In the fall, I will be the parent to a middle-schooler.

I don’t know how this happened. I want to go back to notating the contents of diapers and trying to interpret different cries and facial expression. Or when my child was thoroughly entertained by undoing my baby-proofing efforts, crawling on a dirty floor, or even some light cleaning. I wasn’t navigating the digital life of teens and trying to prepare them for all that’s out there.

I don’t really want to return to those times. I was so very tired. However, in hindsight, the tasks of baby and toddler care feel so practical and straightforward. (This is where I pause to say to those who are reading this and are still in the phase of having babies and toddlers, this viewpoint comes later, like way later, when you are no longer there. When you are in it, it’s 1,000% overwhelming!) But now I have a tween. Deep sigh. Am I ready for this?

Parental Readiness is not something we talk about

No one ever asks about parental readiness.We read articles online to decipher our kids’ readiness for potty training, kindergarten, sleep-away camp, or a cellphone. But little attention gets paid to the parent factor. A major part of that is that many of these transitions are inevitable, and we don’t have as much control as we want over when and how they roll out. And it probably wouldn’t serve our kids if we only waited until we adults caught up in readiness. But still, a little attention might be nice? It may be helpful for parents to know that after you do your weekend of no pants potty training, you are still on the hook for monitoring your kiddos’ bathroom visits for an indefinite amount of time. It’s going to be much longer than you expect folks. Or perhaps your teen is demonstrating readiness to manage a cellphone, but are you ready to establish and enforce boundaries around tech use? Knowing what comes along for you in these transitions doesn’t need to deter you. Your child being able to navigate the restroom all on their own is important. But, perhaps a heads up is needed. Transitions are going to stir up your own stuff and you might need some community with a side of self-compassion for what’s next.

Back to middle school

My oldest is going to middle school, and I don’t really get a say in that. And as much as I am making noise about it, he is ready to go. And this isn’t really about me, but it is. I HATED middle school. 8^th grade was okay because by then I had found my footing with a group of solid friends, but a lot of middle school sucked. And I am working really hard to not bring my middle school muck into the picture for my kid. Transitions bring up OUR stuff, and that’s part of that parental readiness picture; it’s helpful to ask, do I have stuff here and if so what is it?

Potty training may trigger thoughts and feelings about your child needing you less, kindergarten can stir lots about your own learning experiences, sleep away camp can bring up all kinds of memories akin to my middle school experiences (in middle school, we had to go to sleep-away camp with our school. You can guess how that went). And cell phones are a minefield right now for families. Locate your stuff and poke at it a bit. Sometimes our stuff can give a little direction, like giving you information about how you want to approach this transition with your child. Sometimes our stuff is creating a lot of worry and stories that are more about us than our kids (hi, I have my hand raised)

I’ll add here that I really like tweens and teens. When I was providing therapy, I worked with many tweens and teens across school and medical settings. In other words, I am not scared of middle schoolers, I like them. If I put on my professional hat, I am a lot cooler and more collected. I am sharing this to say, that even when you have some knowledge and experience, your personal stuff can still crowd out reason.

A little information can go a long way, or questions, those are good, too

Poking around to see what’s showing up for you is helpful. Next, start is to collect your questions. Questions often beget more questions, but that can give you a place to start on what type of resources you might be interested in.

Talking to those on the other side of the transition can be a treasure trove of insight. Everyone’s experiences will be unique, but it can still give you a version grounded in reality, not your very creative 2 AM brain’s version. And then there are the websites, books, podcasts, and yes, social media. Which when approached with some boundaries can be useful. Just don’t sit in front of the firehose of parenting advice. That’s create a whole new level of “stuff” to carry into the situation. I personally like the book route (are you surprised by this?). Books are easier to put down and walk away from if needed. And it’s important to note that fiction is an excellent resource, too, for transitions. Don’t go at it alone: meet up with other parents going through it or set up a book club to read some books relevant to your transition (and make sure to include fiction, too).

And maybe a dose of self-compassion

Some of these transitions are happening no matter what we want. Sometimes they happen unexpectedly or without warning. We don’t get the luxury of reflecting on our own experiences, asking our friends for their advice, or picking up a book. This rattles our fragile perception of control in parenthood. And this is where we can flex some self-compassion. Be nice to you. Change is hard.

So, middle school here we come, ready or not.

Some related reading from previous A Wonderful Mess essays:

Dear readers, may you give yourself some self-compassion for whatever changes are coming your way,

Back to looking at baby picture of my soon-to-be middle-schooler,

Kathryn

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

Hello, dear readers!

This month on A Wonderful Mess, it was about more: more pausing, more kid lit for grown-ups, and more grace about consistency in parenting. Or was it a month about less? Maybe it was about less rushing in, less parenting books, and less focus on always getting it right. I don’t know, you can decide.

Now let’s get into more great things to check out.

Stuff to read

• Here is an essay exploring wanting more by .

  “There’s a lot of commentary around the idea of what it means to get our needs truly met, especially as moms. The conversations are often fraught and complicated, largely because of the judgment that comes with the responses – usually from people who want women to feel guilt and shame for wanting anything more than to be sustained by the love of children and family.

  The expectation is that this is enough.”

• considers doing less “fixing” in this one.

  “This has always been our pattern in stress. He gets mad. I “stay calm”—which in reality means one of two things: judging him internally (He’s always flying off the handle! He just needs to take a deep breath). Or trying to manage his feelings (“Just relax. We’re going to find him.”).”

• This one from on how to respond to the AI job apocalypse, is all about the more and less of life.

  “And here’s the thing that all those people who are using AI to write their books and Substacks don’t seem to understand: The act of doing, creating, and plodding along is actually more important than the finished outcome. If you skip that part, you’ve just skipped the whole damn point.”

• And I am dreaming about more play outside this summer. This one is about tinkerspaces from .

  “Start where you are. A single water table or sensory bin in a designated corner is enough. A sturdy mud kitchen that can hold up to wear and tear is enough. Add to it gradually, as you feel ready, and as your kids grow into it.”

Things about less and more

• More print: I wrote in the past about getting the physical paper on Sundays. Well, in the last few months, I switched to daily paper delivery. It turns out this is exactly how my nervous system can manage the news. I know it’s a privilege to pay for it, and I am also aware that print is on its way out, but for now, it’s great.

• Less time indoors: Spring means time outside, trying to do more things outside…reading, writing to-do lists, and editing newsletters, for instance.

• Unfortunately…more pollen: Connected to being outside more, wowie, the allergies are back for me this season. A nod of solidarity to all my fellow allergy sufferers—it’s tough out there.

This month’s featured newsletter

There are so many great writers out there. But as with most things online, the recommendations can get lost on a platform. I highlight a wonderful publication each month to help you find great writing and ideas. Check it out and enjoy!

For a month about less and more, this writer is on point. Be Less Careful, written by is about “unpacking the bad ideas that steal our joy // creative work & midlife reinvention.” There are so many wonderful kernels of inspiration in this newsletter about creativity and writing, especially in the context of caregiving. I really loved this recent piece on “liking” from Nancy.

Be Less Careful

the liking game

Years ago, I took a one-day workshop with Sharon Olds. I’d already published Double Jinx, and I was working on Pocket Universe, so I certainly wasn’t new to poetry or to workshops, but! This was Sharon Olds! I went in hoping she would tell me what and how to write and thereby solve all my problems…

Read more

16 days ago · 22 likes · 10 comments · Nancy Reddy

And one more thing…

Just a friendly reminder to pre-order your anticipated summer reads now. I love “gifting” future me the arrival of a great book. I pre-ordered Ann Patchett’s Whistler* and ’s The Parisian Heist*.

And if you are hoping to read a book (or more) this summer, The Messy Summer Reading Club returns June 1st. This year, the club will run on Mondays and replace the weekly essay as this newsletter undergoes a renovation. Stay tuned for more info!

Dear readers, may you get more and less in all the places you need.

Back to the outdoors (but equipped with my allergy meds),

Kathryn

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

The role of consistency for children is a piece of information that I worry gets warped through our modern parenting hyperfocus. Consistent routines and expectations help kids know what’s going on. It helps tether them to the world when so much of their experience can feel disorienting and confusing due to its novelty. So much is new, so much is to be learned, and it’s changing all the time. Consistency is good. However, the idea that everything must be consistent at all times can weigh heavily on parents. The goal really is to be consistent-ish. We have to allow for flexibility and the inevitable whoops (or a lot of whoops(s), say that three times fast for fun) of life. You cannot dole out consistency in 15-minute increments throughout the day. That level of attention in managing your parenting only drives you further from the goal.

And what was that goal again?

A tether, a connection, a grounding to prevent or cushion a free fall. It’s that big picture thing. A cumulative sum of the little and big moments over time that helps kids feel the gravitational pull of people loving, accepting, and caring for them. And here is a thing to remember: there are many moments. Not all of them are going to find their way into the equation. We have some room for error. Eventually, those kids grow and become adults. Adults who have to find their own consistency.

Now, not quite a sandwich

I find myself now an open-faced sandwich.

Both my parents have died. I do not fit into my cohort, the sandwich generation. I don’t envy my peers; there is a lot to navigate, but I also find it lonely on the other side. I had a real fear for a long time that I might become unmoored when the two souls who welcomed me into this life were no longer here. Generally, I find myself still moored, but I have my moments.

Ice cream cake and soccer games

Sorting through photos of my childhood as we cleared out my father’s home, I encountered the type of consistency I believe we are really looking for in our parenthood, picture after picture. There were ice cream cakes at every birthday around the kitchen table, soccer games, neighborhood egg hunts for Easter, my mother trimming my bangs in the backyard, school events, trips to the grandparents, and travels with tired faces. At a certain point, it started to be comical, the same events, the same poses, just a year or so apart. These were bittersweet to look at. They were all the moments that make up a childhood, some grand, but most were mundane. They weren’t about making “core memories” as is the trend nowadays; they were reliable, quiet, and consistent. There weren’t hyper-rigid routines, scripts, after-school special life lessons, or perfect parenting. More important than what we were doing in the photos was that the people in them were there, showing up, thinking about us, and loving us.

It would be easy to get stuck in a wave of nostalgia here. To wax on, that it was a simpler time, the time before technology invaded our homes. Yes, there weren’t smartphones, and yes, kids these days have different things on their plates. But some of this is not so far out of reach. We don’t have to make it so complicated; life does that enough for us all on its own.

My parents’ presence in life left behind a gravitational pull in loss, which hopefully keeps my sandwich’s innards from flopping onto the ground. That’s what consistency can do for you decades later. My parents weren’t perfect. They didn’t respond with compassion and firm boundaries every time I was a pain in the butt. We didn’t have fine-tuned routines down to the minute. There were tears, yelling, empty threats, unpredictable pivots, and all the normal makings of child-parent relationships. It had ups and downs. And yet somehow I can look back and see, oh yeah, that is what we are aiming for as parents. We hope that our child’s sandwich ingredients can manage without us…or something like that.

Related reading from A Wonderful Mess:

Dear readers, may you enjoy a sandwich this week. It’s just all the talk about sandwiches made me hungry.

Back to the mess,

Kathryn

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

If you are not interested in receiving posts on this particular topic, you can opt out by deselecting “Reading While Parenting” here. You can adjust your subscription preferences at any time at that link. Please note that unsubscribing from this email will unsubscribe you from all of A Wonderful Mess.

A favor to ask before we get to it. This newsletter is having a little summer renovation work. And as I draw up the plans (I am leaning into this renovation metaphor), I will be floating a few polls here and there to make sure features are working for readers. If you could take a few seconds to answer the question below, that would be a great help!

Thank you very much, and now onto the good stuff…

I’ve read a lot of parenting books. I’ve been reading them since before I was a parent, back to when I was a young, bright-eyed psychologist telling parents things with an authority I had not yet earned. Bahahaha, I laugh at that young thing thinking she knew so much.

Anyways, I can tell you there are some good ones, even great ones, and there are a lot of okay-ish ones. And then there are some pretty bad ones. I like to share those good ones here in this newsletter. I also believe that the experience of reading a parenting book is different and possibly more beneficial than assaulting one’s brain with a whole bunch of little pieces of parenting content on social media. And not everyone wants or needs a parenting book, and that is okay, too. I think that there is an untapped resource for parents in the children’s section of the library, whether you consume parenting books or not.

Picture books and middle-grade fiction have a world of wisdom, just waiting to be appreciated and absorbed. They are better than any dry vignette in a book describing relationship dynamics or an Instagram reel where an adult “performs” a parenting script that seems like a high school theater class improv exercise (BTW, you can totally tell which parenting influencers were theater kids). There is an opportunity for perspective shifts, empathy, and frankly, more entertainment and pleasure right on your kids’ bookshelves.

Do you remember?

Do you remember what a tantrum felt like as a kid?

Here’s a good refresher from the beloved book, Ramona, The Pest* by Beverly Cleary:

“Now, never mind, “Ramona heard her mother say. “Poor little girl. She’s upset. She’s had a difficult day.”

Sympathy made things worse. “I am not upset!” yelled Ramona, and yelling made her feel so much better that she continued. “I am not upset, and I’m not a little girl, and everybody is mean to laugh at me!” She threw herself on her bed and pounded her heels on the bedspread, but pounding on the bedclothes was not bad enough. Far from it.

Ramona wanted to be wicked, really wicked, so she swung around and her beat her heels on the wall. Bang! Bang! Bang! The noise ought to make everybody good and mad. “Mean, mean, mean!” she yelled, in time to her drumming heels. She wanted to make her whole family feel as angry as she felt. “Mean, mean, mean!” She was glad her heels and left marks on the wallpaper. Glad! Glad! Glad!”

Ramona continues to kick the wall and think her “wicked” thoughts until she eventually stops and is quietly put to bed. Do you remember what that feeling of being out of control was like?

Many of us are currently more in touch with those feelings of frustration or embarrassment as our child displays their emotional fireworks in the grocery store aisle. As parents who are constantly reading books, articles, and viewing infographics, we may be looking for the antecedent to the behavior or the most “appropriate” response to the tantrum, balancing how to stay connected, but not reinforcing the behavior, and so on. And yes, that stuff is important, but we don’t always remember what it feels like to be taken over. I remember some epic tantrums in my past, but one in particular where, after the exhaustion of all those feelings, I fell asleep in my closet, and my parents couldn’t find me. This only added to the mountain of shame from the experience. I only re-entered family life with a blanket over my head (for invisibility, of course!) for most of the evening.

Getting into the head of the child is one benefit of regularly visiting children’s literature, but it can also allow one to be an observer of adult-child dyads. And this has utility, too.

Sometimes we have tantrums, too

In the picture book, because of a shoe* by Julia Fogliano & Marlee Frazee, the reciprocal tantrum is catalogued. It all starts with a shoe, as it often does.

The story takes us through the decline of a parent’s patience just trying to get a shoe on a kid. And eventually, we find ourselves with two very upset humans:

“even when

because of a shoe

(a too-tight shoe

a too-loose shoe)

i am making my maddest face

and my eyes are my maddest eyes

and i am breathing through my nose

in my maddest way

and even when i am loud and i am yelling

and i don’t want to be loud and yelling

but i just can’t stop being loud and yelling

because we are leaving…”

The story follows the parent and child out of the storm, and eventually, the pair finds their way back to each other, as we often do.

Sometimes it’s a difficult task to see ourselves in a relationship. Fiction can offer us the opportunity to consider ourselves with a little distance. When I read, Ban This Book* by Alan Gratz, I was reactive to some of the decisions the main character Amy Anne’s parents made. They were busy, stressed, and just trying to get through the day, but putting a lot on the oldest child. I get it as a parent and by reading Amy Anne’s experience of it all, there was a helpful reminder of how kids interpret a situation or experience. More often than not, it’s not how we are seeing it. This experience didn’t have the same guilt-inducing experience of parenting advice. Fiction has a lighter touch in helping us adults consider how our actions may be understood (or misunderstood).

Writing for versus to

Now, I realize that these are adult authors writing these tales for children, but there is something about children’s authors and their willingness to inhabit childhood. A way of writing that necessitates a perspective shift. Not all children’s authors do this, of course. Some books you can see the adult agenda from page one. They want the reader to know this is how kids should behave or be. The kid lit books where the author is writing for the kids, not to the kids, will get you farther. I’ve previously written about the power of Beverly Cleary and how her books surprised me with their parenting wisdom. Beverly Cleary was an author who understood the difference between books for kids and books to kids.

“In an interview, Beverly Cleary was asked why children like Ramona so much. Her response was:

‘Because she doesn’t not learn to be a better girl. I was so annoyed with books in my childhood because children always learned to be better children. In my experience they didn’t, they just grew and so I started Ramona and she has never reformed and she’s really not a naughty child, in spite of the title of Ramona the Pest. Her intentions are good but she has a lot of imagination and sometimes things don’t turn out the way she expected.’”

I am not against parenting books. I think they can have helpful tools that can serve people in their parenthood. I do wish there could be a standard section with additional reading, and it was fiction, preferably children’s literature…for the adults. Try visiting your child’s bookshelf or the children’s section of the library with a new intention, and see what you find.

Related pieces of the past:

The comments section is what we make of it. Feel free to answer any or all of the questions below.

• What has your experience been with reading parenting books?

• Have you found any useful fictional reads for your parenthood?

• Share any good recent reads or books you are excited to get into.

• Don’t hesitate to share any reading conundrums? These may become a topic for a future post.

Leave a comment

Dear readers, may you read about fictional tantrums and somehow avoid the real ones this week.

Back to my stack of books,

Kathryn

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always, just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

Early in parenthood, I encountered parenting advice to count to 10 to calm myself before responding to whatever bananas thing my kid was doing. I was also teaching kids to do this very same things during my day job as a child psychologist. It seems like maybe counting to 10 is not something that has stuck for many of us. Perhaps pausing is more complicated than just counting to 10.

I’ve written before about how mindfulness gives us choices, or more accurately, allows us to see the choices. Sometimes the choices still suck, but seeing them clearly is helpful in moving forward intentionally. Pauses are great to keep us from losing it with our kids, but they have a lot of purpose in other ways, too.

Imperfect pauses

The dictionary defines a pause as a temporary stop in action or speech. Just a temporary stop, nothing fancy. No gadgets to buy. It’s something we can do for ourselves, but at the same time, it is so hard. There are a multitude of reasons pausing is hard, and it’s certainly not rewarded in our modern world. The focus on efficiency and doing more doesn’t help. So much to do, who has time to pause?

Pausing doesn’t make glitter rain down, and flowers bloom. No, sometimes the sole purpose is to keep us from collapsing or combusting. Sometimes it involves a colorful exclamation and a fist shaking at the sky. Pauses are not always zen.

• We can pause with a breath…before you respond after your children created a worm habitat by dumping out the flower pots.

• We can pause by stopping…before scrolling on Instagram when we want to feel better, but it has never worked before.

• We can pause by slowing down to see if our kids can resolve their squabble over the ownership of a scrap of paper.

Pauses give space—the space to touch autonomy. It will look different depending on how, where, when, and why. It’s a curious paradox, stopping to move forward.

Small pauses and bigger pauses

Little pauses feel like tiny stitches that can help us hold the day together. But is there something else to these little pauses? Are they more than a tip or a trick? I think they have a role to play in the tapestry of life. Little pauses have a way of adding up and providing a model for accessing well-being.

What is the maximum capacity?

In ’s Wellbeing is about capacity: A Conversation with Emma Gannon, author explained her perspective on well-being:

“I know that I’m in a good place mentally when I have capacity. Capacity for others, for myself, for a friend in need, for my work. I can respond to a text, or take an unexpected call, or take an impromptu walk without feeling like something is being taken from me.

I like the word ‘capacity’, it makes me think of a wide airy space, an open sky, lungs breathing in fully, or a calendar with blank slots. When I have no capacity for a short walk, bath, journaling, or reading, and I start to feel panicky, I know that something has to change and this often means sacrificing something else.”

In response to Emma’s formulation of well-being, writer, artist, and mother , of Follow your gut, wrote:

” Last year I suffered from post-partum depression and anxiety. I’d be up at night drowning in sweat and a drumming heart as the silence around became increasingly oppressive. 

For a period of time I had no capacity to do anything but survive. 

There was no option to think about being creative, new ideas, productivity, self care… 

Petronella goes on to highlight how current ideas of self-care “involve more doing and less caring.” Petronella suggests that real care may be more “not about what we do for ourselves, but rather what we allow ourselves to NOT do.”

Less is care

The term self-care is thrown around a lot these days. It’s often marketed as a pause you can use to refuel so you can manage everyday stresses. As Petronella highlights, most of the self-care discussions these days are not about moving us towards well-being. All the doing it involves keeps us still. If you back out of the flames only to jump back in, where does that leave you? Are you well?

In ’s book, Gospel of Wellness: Gyms, Gurus, Goop, and the False Promise of Self-Care*, she explains,

“The wellness industry stepped in to fill a void created by unreasonable expectations that torment us. Self-care promised salvation, deliverance from the evils of stress. But if it’s a toxic workplace, a meditation program isn’t going to fix it. A fitness app won’t solve the uneven distribution of housework in your marriage; CBD gummies will not enforce better childcare policies; bath salts won’t stop late night work emails.”

I will admit that I meditate, prioritize movement, read a lot of books about being a human, and drink tea with a nibble of dark chocolate daily. These are things I love. However, I can not expect meditation to find me reliable childcare. The definition of care is the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something. To care for you is to look after and provide for your needs.

What can it look like to really care for ourselves? Author highlights four principles of real self-care in her book, Real Self-Care (Crystals, Cleanses and Bubble Baths Not Included)*:

• Boundaries and moving past guilt-prioritizing your needs and desires by learning to set boundaries

• Treating yourself with compassion-looking closely at how you speak to yourself

• Bringing you closer to yourself- knowing your core values, beliefs, and desires

• Assertion as power- giving yourself permission to practice real self-care and making decisions from a place of reflection and consideration

The real self-care Lakshmin presents is an inner process, less doing and more being. It’s imperfect with trial and error.

Setting boundaries feels beautifully compatible with determining capacity. Lakshmin writes in her book about advice from her mentor to not answer her phone, let it go to voicemail, and then decide on a course of action that was boundary aligned with real self-care:

“The idea that I not only was allowed to take time, but that in that space I could decide the best response, was nothing short of revolutionary to me. It didn’t matter whether the caller was the front desk staff telling me they had paperwork they needed me to sign or a patient who needed to reschedule an appointment. When I picked up my phone, I felt pressured to say yes and react. Not answering my phone and letting it go to voicemail gave me time and space to craft my response and be strategic about my time and energy.

My boundary was in the pause.”

Lakshmin goes on to emphasize that the pause gives her time to respond instead of react. If there is an emergency, she can better prioritize and respond to those needs. Pauses are powerful not in isolation but because when you choose to take them, you connect with your ability to care for yourself and others most effectively.

Learning to pause

And here is some good news—you already pause. No one is moving constantly. It just doesn’t usually land in most memorable moments of your day-to-day. Always start where you are and expand from there. The intentional pause is available to us all.

Here are some little pauses for practice:

1. Always start where you are— Acknowledge when you paused today?

2. Notice—Pause to notice _______, you pick. The sounds, light, smell, touch, tastes and so on.

3. Look—Up, down, or around. Pause and take a look.

4. Stand Up—Pause to move your body from your seat.

5. Sit Down—Pause to rest your body.

6. Breathe—Take that breath-it’s a pause.

7. Stretch—Pause to feel your body move.

8. Talk to yourself—Sometimes we need some words, “I am going to stop here to…”

9. Write a note—Remind yourself—I will pause for you.

10. “I have to think about that”—I don’t like “parenting tricks” but this is a way I pause with my kids when they are asking about something, and I am at risk of being reflexive instead of responsive. I slow down my response by telling them I need to think about it or I am not ready to respond yet.

More explorations on pauses, capacity, and self-care

Below are a variety of different avenues to think about pauses, determining capacity with parenting practices, and other outcomes of caring for you.

Want to read a familiar story? Everyone But Myself: A Memoir* by Julie Chavez is a book that many can connect to. It’s a book about a mother and how she found herself separated from herself and how she found her way back.

“This book is about the consequences of that self-neglect. For me, the result was anxiety, depression and on obfuscation of the habits and practices that provided sustenance, rest and joy. I was lost inside my own beautiful.”

Family dinner, anyone? has written a beautiful guide about family dinner and fabulously demonstrates determining capacity within the context of how to feed your family.

“The more I come to view food labor as an immovable fact (unless you can outsource the work completely to a private chef), the more firmly I believe that any feeding strategy has to be vetted for how it adds or subtracts from your mental load and physical labor. And if something is going to be more work, it’s worth considering how much extra value it will add to your family meal experiences.”

In the article, Show Up for Yourself First " by , the book The Art of Showing Up* by Rachel Wilkerson Miller is discussed. Interestingly, self-knowledge and caring for yourself are important in how to show up for others. Who would’ve thought?

“Self-knowledge. You can’t possibly take care of yourself,” Miller writes, “if you don’t actually know what your needs are.”

Not knowing your needs makes it hard to cultivate relationships where others will be able to understand and fulfill those needs. And if you haven’t done the work of learning how to like yourself, it makes it a lot harder to cultivate the skills necessary to show up for others. As Miller puts it, “there’s not much space for generosity, confidence, or vulnerability when you’re constantly worried about whether you have enough and are enough.”

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

This month on A Wonderful Mess

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

Today, I offer you three threads woven across the book sections. There are picture books, middle-grade, adult fiction, and non-fiction represented in these collections. Maybe you book a club as a family, maybe you find something of interest for you or your kid, or you try them all. Happy reading!

Curiosity, but with robots

I wrote about this book a while back. We can always use more curiosity in our lives.

Seek: How Curiosity Can Transform Your Life and Change the World* by Scott Shigeoka

And so, starting in a place of curiosity, I now bring you robots. These next books all feature robots, yes. But there is more that connects them than machinery. I don’t think these are AI propaganda trying to get us to accept robots, but they do ask us to consider if there is more than expectations, who and how we can change, and what influences change.

• Love, Z* by Jessie Sima, (Picture Book)

• The Wild Robot* by Peter Brown (Middle-Grade)

• Automatic Noodle* by Annalee Newitz (Adult Fiction)

Books deserve to be read

Book banning isn’t going anywhere, any time soon, unfortunately. And it’s never too early to understand how book banning impacts us all. This thread starts with this middle-grade title that follows a quiet, shy girl’s growth into covert activism when her favorite book is removed from the shelves.

Ban This Book * by Alan Gratz

Here are three more titles about keeping books accessible to all, the fictional chaos that ensues following the banning of books in a small town, and the real-life persecution of a librarian who took a stand.

• Roar for Reading* by Beth Ferry and illustrated by Andrew Joyner (Picture Book)

• Lula Dean’s Little Library of Banned Books* by Kirsten Miller (Adult Fiction)

• That Librarian: The Fight Against Book Banning in America by Amanda Jones (Non-Fiction)

The fact of mattering

I first heard about the concept of mattering in Jennifer B. Wallace’s first book, Never Enough*, and was excited to dive into it more in her new book, Mattering: The Secret to A Life of Deep Connection and Purpose*. A summary of mattering is “the feeling that we are valued and have value to add to the world.”

And these three titles all touch on this concept in one way or another. The value of feeling loved, how you can impact others by being seen when you can be yourself, and how meaningful it is to feel needed.

• The Love Letter* written by Anika Aldamuy Denise and illustrated by Lucy Ruth Cummins (Picture Book)

• Good Different* by Meg Eden Kuyatt (Middle-Grade)

• The Snow Child* by Eowyn Ivey (Adult Fiction) Truth be told, I had too many options for an adult fiction choice…fiction is ripe with tales of mattering or the other side of the concept, when one doesn’t feel they matter.

Hey, if you liked the idea of a reading theme as a family, you will love my friend, ’s newsletter, . She provides excellent ideas for themes with some suggested titles and additional activities to make it a real party.

Hoping you get a minute to pick up a book (or two) this week.

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

Is it okay (or even good) to laugh when in pain?

What feeling(s) will this book elicit?

Will this end (or stay)?

All of these questions could be categorized under a bigger question:

Will I be okay?

Have I gotten too philosophical here? Too touchy-feely? Too much like a therapist?

Sorry, I am a trained therapist always at heart. But a more relevant role to this newsletter, is human being, I’ve been that one the longest (since the 80s). And these are questions for human beings. Our emotions are fascinating messengers, albeit not always clear and easy to interpret. And sometimes we need to step back from the feelings and look for questions instead of answers. I recently read, Ordinary Magic: The Science of How We Can Achieve Big Change with Small Acts* by Gregory M. Walton about the emotional questions we face and how they define our lives. Walton thoroughly examines how life’s hidden questions can lead to spirals, that can go down or up. In the book, he shares research about “wise interventions” and how they can address those downward spirals. Here is an explanation of a how a self-defeating spiral can get going:

“This is how self-defeating spirals start and how they gather speed. Let’s break down the moving parts:

1. A circumstance places a big question on the table—about identity, belonging, or adequacy: You’re new at work. You want to succeed and belong, but you wonder…That question looms, latent and inactive, but present.

2. A “bad”thing happens: Your boss is a little snarky.

3. That question gets triggered: You read the room for answers, drawing negative inferences from ambiguous evidence. You’re distracted from the task at hand. Your pessismistic hypothesis becomes more entrenched.

4. You act on that pessimistic hypothesis, making matters worse.”

Walton has a wonderful informal phrase that captures this idea. I’ve been carrying it around with me everywhere since I read it, the tif-bit. Tiny fact, big theory.

Sometimes, our feelings are the tiny fact that lead to the big theory. Throughout the book, Walton helps the reader consider, what is the question we are getting at with our theories. Many of us will encounter the same types of questions throughout life. It’s takes some detective work and perspective.

Okay, enough with the dizzying feelings riddles. On to the recommendations, there might be feelings involved.

Stuff to read

• This one from connects how telling kids to save those art supplies might have more under the surface…

  “But the scarcity mindset around art supplies, I know now, was never really about the tape. It’s about control. When we say save some for later, what we mean is: I need to manage this. I need to make sure something worthwhile comes out of this before I can feel okay about it.”

• Here is a beautiful essay from that very much gets at some bigger questions about technology and humanity:

  “In the hospital, the technology—of machines and surgeries and monitoring and text alerts and high-resolution images—was everything, and also, nothing. Its existence was so essential to the experience, the very basis for all of it, and yet somehow, nowhere near the heart of it.”

• And here is one about joy amidst the difficulties of the world (also featured below!)

  “Still, it hasn’t stopped me from trying. But as I turned to write this newsletter, theoretically dedicated to joy and wonder, I was surprised to find my joy meter has been… low.

  Trying to shut out the news not only doesn’t work. It’s produced a side effect I didn’t anticipate: numbness.”

Fiction with feelings

• As touched upon this month, fictional stories are excellent to explore feelings in a way that feels much more accessible. Sometimes seeing through another’s eyes is a way to step closer to processing our own experiences. Here are a few fiction titles for your consideration:

  • Once Upon a Wardrobe* by Patti Callahan-this one focuses on a young woman seeking answers from CS Lewis regarding the origins of Narnia for her terminally ill brother. The fictional conversations with Lewis explore a range of topics like loss, the power of story, and managing life’s difficult circumstnaces.

  • Blue Light Hours* by Bruna Dantas Labato- a story about a young woman experiencing seperation from her mother as she goes to college in the US. It’s a quiet book but that allows the reader to really see the layers of growing up.

  • Tilda is Visible* by Jane Tara-The main character finds herself in middle-age afflicted with invisibility (like really inivisible, parts of her body are dissappearing from view). At times, the book does get a self-help flavor as Tilda explores ways to become visble again, but it’s an interesting way of capturing how women feel in the world and how negative influences (internal and external) can erase a person. The creativity of the premise could be appeal for anyone who is not interested in reading a true self-help book, but is interested in an individual’s process of moving toward “visibility.”

This month’s featured newsletter

There are so many great writers out there. But as with most things online, the recommendations can get lost on a platform. I highlight a wonderful publication each month to help you find great writing and ideas. Check it out and enjoy!

In talking about feelings this month, featuring ’s newsletter, Living the In-Betweeen Times, makes perfect sense to me. Marika shares experiments of how to find joy in the everyday, even during the hard times. This isn’t toxic positivity, this is about opening ourselves up to the full picture of what our lives have to offer us.

Living the In-Between Times

Experiments to uncover the wonder, ease & everyday joy available to us in the in-between times of life

By Marika Páez Wiesen

This month on A Wonderful Mess

• This month we laughed and cried exploring how humor can be helpful during hard times, shared how we want to feel when we read in a community discussion thread, and considered how things change with the help of picture books.

• And here are some essays of the past about the complicated nature of emotions:

And one more thing…

Spring break is approaching. Next week, we’ve got a fun little post with some book recommendations and the following week we are revisiting an oldie but goodie from the archive. Hoping spring is appearing whereever you are. I could have done without the snow on St. Patrick’s Day…

Dear readers, may you laugh, cry, and feel all the feelings. It’s spring time after all.

Off to travel with children on an airplane (there will be feelings)

Kathryn

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

It’s a pesky life lesson that constantly likes to appear because, well, everything does change. In the picture book, Things That Go Away written and illustrated by Beatrice Alemagna, the constant nature of change is captured with words and pictures, but the real power is the actual transformation before the reader’s eyes. A sheer paper layer between the scenes allows the reader to make the change occur. Touching on a range of life’s mundane experiences…a wound, sleep, tears, weather, even a lice outbreak, Alemagna reminds the reader that these will go away eventually.

The one exception to all of these things that go away: a parent’s love.

If you can find this at your library, I highly recommend a physical copy to experience the shifts (the turning of the pages) throughout the book.

Another way of saying it

What Alemagna is giving young readers is a concept that has long had a place in philosophy, religion, psychology, and a whole slew of self-help books. This is the grappling with the idea of impermanence. Nothing lasts forever. In some cases, this is a good thing! Lice, not forever, thank goodness. Tears eventually do stop, phew. And young children often need these reminders. They don’t know that the sadness they are experiencing about the injustice of having their toy stolen by a sibling won’t actually last forever. And then there is the other side of it, the birthday party will end. A new school year will begin, ending the summer freedom. A family pet will not live forever. These are the bittersweet lessons that we adults still struggle with. And the struggle can lead to even more distress.

Spiritual teacher and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh wrote in No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering*:

“Both suffering and happiness are of an organic nature, which means they are both transitory; they are always changing. The flower, when it wilts, becomes the compost. The compost can help grow a flower again. Happiness is also organic and impermanent by nature. It can become suffering and suffering can become happiness again.”

Part of our distress can come from the desire for things to stay the same. Which then means we also want things to be different than they are. This creates a distance between reality and the want or desire. In that distance lives the suffering, like a troll under a bridge.

Or perhaps if we are really going to use this analogy. The bridge from The Three Billy Goats Gruff* by and illustrated by is more fitting.

I would love to use the billy goats here to continue this as a very tidy metaphor of how not to get pulled down by the troll. But the goats foil the would-be feaster with their clever wit. And there are enough clever people out there who still find themselves very much stuck in suffering.

The circumstances or changes, like loss of a loved one, a relocation need, or the end of a job, certainly bring with them their own pain, challenges, and stress. But getting stuck under the bridge with that troll, doing troll things, is where the pain is magnified. It’s the picking at the wound, experiencing the pain over and over, without moving to the other side of the bridge.

Moving forward involves some acceptance and the ability to choose what you are going to focus on. No, not toxic positivity, it’s not about ignoring the truth or putting a shiny, happy spin on it. Thich Nhat Hanh shares in No Mud, No Lotus how to manage the “mud” of life:

"When I lived in Vietnam during the war, it was difficult to see our way though the dark and heavy mud. It seemed like the destruction would just go on and on forever. Every day people would ask me if I thought the war would end soon. It was very difficult to answer, because there was no end in sight. But I knew if I said, “I don’t know,” that would only water seeds of despair. So when people asked me that question, I replied, “Everything is impermanent, even war. It will end some day.” Knowing that we could continue to work for peace.”

But wait, what about the love?

Alemagna’s picture book started us on this exploration of impermanence and suffering, but remember, she ends with love. The Moon Keeper* written and illustrated by Zosienka is another tale about inevitability of change but also the importance of love and belief. The story begins when Emile, a night animal, is given the coveted role of the “Moon Keeper.”

He takes his new role very seriously by caring for the moon in many ways. During his tenure, he starts to become concerned as he sees the moon changing. He consults others, like his neighbor and cousin, to see if they are seeing the same changes. Much to his chagrin, they are.

Emile does his best to protect the moon, but his efforts do not seem to have any impact on the disappearing moon. Eventually, a bird shares some wisdom with Emile, similar to Alemagna’s in Things that go away.

What happens next?

Well, the moon slowly reappears each night fuller and fuller, much to the relief of Emile.

We are reminded that even in absence the moon is still there. Even in perceived absence, love is still there. So yes, some things do go away, but some things stay even when we can’t see them.

I believe Thich Nhat Hanh would tell you to add water wisely.

Dear readers, may you find something to water this week.

Back to avoiding the trolls of life,

Kathryn

P.S. I have a dedicated fan of goats in my home. He would tell you that goats help alleviate suffering. Especially baby goats.

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

If you are not interested in receiving posts on this particular topic, you can opt out by deselecting “Reading While Parenting” here. You can adjust your subscription preferences at any time at that link. Please note that unsubscribing from this email will unsubscribe you from all of A Wonderful Mess.

Sometimes when describing the purpose of our reading choices, we unknowingly mute their complexity. When people say they read to escape, it implies seeking distance from their current experiences. It doesn’t mean to not feel. Chances are that escape still takes them to tales with some kind of emotional valence. It may be the happy ending of a romance that appeals, but within that story, there is going to be conflict, a possible threat of heartbreak, and things to deal with. If not, it may be a little boring, but that is also a certain type of experience. The point is that reading selections, even those coded as escape, are not lacking human emotions.

And sometimes it’s about experiencing the journey through emotions that we are looking for. The obstacles and the process of eventually getting to the emotions that feel “good” can be what we are looking for. Maybe the happily ever after or the feel-goodness that comes at the end isn’t the only emotion we are choosing. And it’s important to say that escape isn’t even about “happy endings” per se. Sometimes escape is more about just not being here, and it invites a whole range of possibilities.

Those who describe themselves as mood readers perhaps best own their feeling-oriented book choices. But mood reading criteria isn’t only about emotions; sometimes it’s about the vibe of the book or specific dynamics.

It then becomes an interesting idea to consider that when you go to pick a book, you are attempting to pick a feeling. Now, one challenge with this is that we are not always good judges of how we will feel. Sometimes it’s a twist you didn’t expect, a different type of story than represented in the synopsis, a writing style that influences the emotional experience, a misjudgement of what this particular narrative would feel like, and so on. There is nothing wrong with this, but it thwarts some readers in pursuing a range of books, not wanting to have a “bad experience” like before; however, one could wonder if it was truly bad or just unexpected.

It is helpful to know thyself as a reader. Recently, , who writes , wrote about how she relishes reads that emotionally gut her:

“Some people love true crime podcasts. Others love horror films. I love books that emotionally destroy me.”

Playful feelings

Last month, I touched on reframing some of our reading experiences as play. And one element of play that we understand well for children is how play allows kids to try on different experiences. What does it feel like to be an adventurer trying to find their way? How does one be a teacher in charge of a class? How does one care for 5 dogs all with broken legs? It’s not just character role play, it’s also emotion play in a safe and comfortable way. Reading can be very much the same.

I’ve previously cited the work of Emely Rumble, LCSW, who is the author of Bibliotherapy in the Bronx*, about the power of fiction as a therapeutic tool,

“Fiction offers a unique and immersive way for clients to explore emotions and experiences through the lens of fictional characters. Fiction allows readers to engage with complex feelings and situations in a safe and controlled environment by providing a window into a character’s life experiences.”

Let’s discuss some more…

So today, I am so curious to talk with you all about what you want to feel when you read.

Of course, knowing this changes depending on circumstances, but do you consciously think about the feelings when you select a book?

What about unexpected reading emotions? Are they welcome or unpleasant?

This is an invitation for you to share your thoughts and experiences. All you have to do is comment right here:

Leave a comment

And for some additional pieces of food for thought:

• This podcast episode from Book Riot with guest explores the role that identity plays in what books we pick up. For people like me who like to nerd out on reading habits, this is great fun, but also adds another layer to how identity and how you want to feel when you read may or may not be related.

• Here is of ‘s take on how we can foster empathy by reading with our kids.

  “For children, though, I think cultivating empathy is a worthy goal (among others), and even after publishing this post several times after I originally wrote it, I still cannot imagine — do not frankly want to imagine — a more timely moment to cultivate empathy. We need to cultivate empathy like we mean it. Now.”

• And here is an essay by on how reading can help you connect with the emotional experience of clowns… well, that’s not all there is, but you will have to check it out yourself.

  “So the idea of a clown evading my sacred reading space was an absolute no. I nearly abandoned the book right then.”

Don’t hesitate to share. What do you want to feel when you read?

Leave a comment

Okay, dear readers, may you have some reading feels this week,

Back to the pages,

Kathryn

P.S. This is not related to books and feelings, unless you have feelings about what to do with old books (which I do). Saw this and thought it was an amazing idea…

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

“How is it going?”

“It’s okay, you know, we’re doing our thing. It’s weirdly joyful.”

This was a text message exchange between my husband and me while I was in California with my siblings, saying goodbye to my father.

Weirdly joyful is maybe a good description of my family. We were not joyful about my father dying. There were plenty of tears, stress, sadness, and grief (and there still is for that matter). But there were also stories, laughter…and jokes. This is how we have done life since as early as I can remember. And we’ve had some goodbyes to say.

The use of humor can be characterized as a defense or avoidance of difficult topics. And that definitely happens, but in my experience, humor has allowed me to be right next to the hard stuff. A laugh can be like a nightlight in the dark, giving off enough light to help you avoid the sharp edges of the furniture.

We all know the phrase “You have to laugh, or you’ll cry.” It’s not as catchy to say you can laugh and cry. It just doesn’t sell, does it? Humor can be exactly what you need during hard times, not because it makes us feel better, but because it may allow us to talk about difficult topics and feel all the feelings.

Laugh with me

The experience of laughter may seem simple, but there are actually a whole lot of complex things happening physiologically. In the book Humor, Seriously: Why Humor Is a Secret Weapon in Business and Life (And how anyone can harness it. Even you.)*, authors Jennifer Aaker and Naomi Bagdonas share the recipe for the hormone cocktail released during laughter. Look at all the good stuff in there:

• Dopamine

• Oxytocin

• Endorphins

Along with all of that, cortisol is lowered. Given that dopamine is associated with happiness, oxytocin with trust and bonding, and endorphins with euphoria, all while reducing the stress hormone cortisol. It makes sense that laughter feels like a good thing. Most people accept the premise that laughter is nice, but beyond the potential mix of hormones a good laugh provides, how can humor support us through difficult times?

Humor can help us:

• Open the door to having difficult conversations

• Make scary things less scary

• Support us in loss

Just to name a few.

Couches are funny

As a young therapist, I was working with teens who had incredibly difficult circumstances in Boston. I was a school-based therapist working with young people who were managing poverty, trauma, community violence, family stressors, and mental health concerns. I was not their first therapist either. Talking to me was not of interest. And for good reason, I was often seen as just another adult who would fail them. The way I found to connect with them? Self-deprecating humor. Jokes were the way I would soften the beginning of our relationship. They loved being able to be in on the joke about my lack of coolness and ineptitude regarding the latest music or fashion. Or jokes about my luxury “office,” which might be a room the size of a broom closet or perhaps a stairwell. These were the ways to open the door. They knew why they were there, to talk about things they didn’t want to talk about, and humor helped get a step in that direction.

And I am not alone in this approach. In the book Humor Me: How Laughing More Can Make You Present, Creative, Connected, and Happy*, author explores the power of humor in many areas and settings of life, including mental health. He introduces readers to psychiatrist, Dr. Tracy Foose:

“Dr. Tracy Foose spent years as the director of the Anxiety Disorders Treatment Program at the University of California-San Francisco. As a psychiatry resident, she had been struck by how often her willingness to make a self-deprecating joke could get her patients to feel more comfortable and open up. Early on in her career, that might have meant acknowledging her relative youth and inexperience. Later on, it evolved to poking fun at the extremely beige color palette of her office décor. Dr. Foose found humor as an excellent tool to name the awkward nature of therapy.”

Often, when I met with children and their caregivers for the first time, I’d warn them that I was going to ask like a 1,001 boring questions. It would produce a helpful giggle for kids who were nervous about what in the world they were about to do. I would also inform them that I was not the kind of doctor who gave shots. Kids ALWAYS want to know if they are going to get a shot.

The idea that laughter might provide some relief during stress or challenging times may not seem particularly revolutionary. However, I believe that some people interpret the benefits of humor as only a way to distract or even avoid the hard stuff. Which could be true for some. I know for myself that humor actually helps me approach the dark stuff, not move away. It allows me to sidle right up next to it and give it a good look without being walloped by sadness or anger. Comedians and humor writers know this.

People in the field of humor often take on very challenging topics. I previously interviewed funny lady, , author of . In our interview, I asked about how her very hilarious newsletter came to be:

“My entry into motherhood wasn’t smooth. Those early months were dark and depressing (kind of like “searching the internet for the good porn”) and I felt woefully unprepared despite all the classes I took and blogs I read. Worse, I felt alone. Like I couldn’t tell anyone how much I was struggling because everyone kept saying how magical motherhood was supposed to be and how happy and excited I surely was. Guess what? They LIED! It was hard for them too, but they either blocked it out or shut up because they didn’t want to scare me.

Apparently, I do want to scare new parents, but only so they don’t feel like lonely, little failures. Misery loves company, right? Those dark, scary feelings are pretty common, especially for new moms so I also want to make them laugh. The more we talk about the challenges, the more we can normalize them and the more “normal” it becomes, the less afraid someone might be to ask for help.”

Let’s face it, parenthood is ripe with lots of feelings that can be a lot to handle: anxiety, fear, frustration, anger, sadness, grief, and a level of exhaustion you didn’t know existed on this planet. As Shelly points out, the more we talk about the scary stuff, the less scary it might be. However, pouring out all the fear-inducing, tragic, upsetting pieces of the world in a raw form could feel unmanageable. Humor can help us tolerate touching on these fears and poke at the big questions they bring up.

Author Annie Hartnett writes in the acknowledgements of her book, The Road to Tender Hearts*:

“So I decided to I would take all those fears and anxieties and put them into a novel. I decided to take all my worries about not being a good enough parent or a generally capable enough person and put those worries in a book. And I decided I would make the novel as funny as possibly I could. That was my challenge to myself: to put everything bad I could think of in there and make it my funniest book yet. Humor is how I have always coped with anxiety and fear and terror and discomfort, so I wanted to make it all terrible but also very funny.”

And it is very funny. The book that is. It is one of my favorites of last year.

But is death funny?

Humor has a place in grief. It’s not what one thinks about when they think about loss and grief. Is there anything less funny? Well, yes. Manila folders, what’s funny there?

In Humor Me, Duffy interviews comedian and writer Michael Cruz Kayne, who lost his infant son. Kayne shares the challenges of when people do not want to talk about loss. Kayne shares:

“Grief is not one thing. It is a galaxy of emotions, most of which are put in orbit by the loss of someone you loved, and the harrowing (or not) circumstances surrounding that loss. But we only get to talk about one part publicly: the sadness.”

The definition of humor is the quality that appeals to a sense of the ludicrous or absurdly incongruous. Kayne goes on to tell Duffy that, beyond all the deep sadness of it, it’s possible to see “the ludicrousness of death.” It absolutely is.

Everyone is different; not everyone will or wants to find humor at a time of loss. However, it’s worth considering that grief is managed in many different ways, and the use of humor can be healthy and helpful.

In Humor, Seriously, Aakers and Bagdonas share this correlational finding about laughter and loss:

“In one study, researchers Dacher Keltner and George Bonanno looked at the effects of laughter on the bereavement process. They recruited forty people who had lost a loved one in the previous six months and asked them to describe their relationship with the de-ceased.

When researchers reviewed the taped interviews, they found that the participants who displayed genuine laughter (known as “Duchenne” laughter) when talking about their loved one had reported 80 percent less anger and 35 percent less distress on a subsequent questionnaire than those feigning laughter or not laughing at all. The genuine laughers also reported feeling significantly more positive emotions and indicated increased satisfaction with their current social relationships.”

Humor has been a piece of my family my whole life; I wouldn’t know how to grieve otherwise. I am very comfortable sobbing and laughing at the same time. It’s not for everyone, but I’d guess it’s for some of you.

But how…to find the funny when you are in the dark

How does one find the flashlight of humor? Duffy shares in his book, Humor Me, some ideas on how to integrate more humor into your life for all the times (the good, bad, and in between)

• Notice things. This is described as the first pillar of humor in Duffy’s book. If you don’t notice something, it’s really hard to discover what’s funny about it. The other two pillars he touches on are being able to laugh at oneself and finding a willingness to take the risk of being laughed at. However, the noticing pillar is pretty foundational.

• Duffy also shares Michael Cruz Kayne’s advice when it comes to using humor with grief:

  • Kayne suggests that jokes that point out all the weird things around death and loss are the ones that resonate. Kayne says, “Just acknowledging the weirdness is a huge relief. As for jokes that make it worse? Anything that hints at minimizing or delegitimizing the grief (‘Are we still doing this? Get over it already!’) or telling you how to feel (Smile!) is a big no as far as I am concerned.”

  • Kayne also reinforces Duffy’s first pillar of humor here: “For me, humor is easy to find. Notice things (internal and external) and talk about them.”

I would add giving yourself a degree of permission to still be able to laugh, even when there are difficult things going on. We often feel guilt if we are laughing or finding some joy when someone we love is no longer able to or others are hurting. This living thing is full of all the stuff like humor, laughter, joy, sadness, grief, loss, stress and more. It’s okay to experience the whole collection of the living experience.

Related reading…

• You can check out this article from on humor within relationships:

Relational Riffs

The Punchline to Better Relationships

Hey Riffers…

Read more

8 months ago · 9 likes · Yael Schonbrun

• And here is one I previously wrote about humor. And it involves a camel, so that should be enough to get you to read it.

• Chris Duffy’s new book is a fun read and has some great easy tips for integrating humor into your life.

  

  Humor Me: How Laughing More Can Make You Present, Creative, Connected, and Happy* by

• Humor, Seriously: Why Humor Is a Secret Weapon in Business and Life (And how anyone can harness it. Even you.)* by Jennifer Aaker and Naomi Bagdonas has valuable insights about bringing humor to your work.

  

What about you, has humor helped you during a difficult time?

Share in the comment if you like, we can all laugh/cry together.

Leave a comment

Dear readers, may you find laughter somewhere in your day.

Weirdly joyfully yours,

Kathryn

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

This month on A Wonderful Mess

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

This month, we’ve mindfully approached our children’s play and considered our reading lives as part of our play. Today, I am sharing some thoughts on play and adults. Then, you can check out a bunch of recommendations and links below to play with.

Last month, I shared about the loss of my father, who was a pretty playful guy. I found this quote in Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul, by Stuart Brown, MD, so true in reflecting on the memories I’ve been holding close to my heart in the last couple of months:

“That is something that struck me as I was reading obituaries of those who lost their lives on September 11, 2001, stories I began collecting because they were such poignant and gripping portraits. Soon I realized that what people most remembered about those who died were play moments or play activities. The March 31, 2002, edition of the The New York Times, to take one example, has obituaries with these headlines: “A Spitball-Shooting Executive,” “A Frank Zappa Fan,” “The Lawn King: A Practical Joker with a Heart,” “A Lover of Laughter.” What dominated the profiles beneath the headlines were remembrances of play states with loved ones, which were like joyful threads running through their lives, weaving memories and binding them together emotionally.”

I know times are complicated. I am no longer sure if they ever aren’t. I also know that play is about sustaining life. Even in the hardest moments, there are cracks of light: smiles, laughter, and stories. Play doesn’t mean it all gets better, or we forget the hard stuff, but it buffers, lightens, and strengthens us. And when we are gone, our playful moments are often the essence left behind, so let them be many. I encourage you to consider how play is threaded through your day-to-day.

What’s your type? Of play.

In the book Playful: How Play Shifts Our Thinking, Inspires Connection, and Sparks Creativity* by Cas Holman with Lydia Denworth, a list of adult play types is described to help the reader understand what adult play can look like.

• Meditative (Slow) Play-this is about creating order or slowing down. Think yoga, baking, walking, putting together a puzzle.

• Creative Play-this is about creation, expressing yourself, or making something. Thinking, crafting, singing, or creating art.

• Problem Solving Play-this is about engaging in activities that involve needing to figure something out. Think escape rooms, word puzzles, or home DIY projects.

• Attention Play -this is about noticing. Think bird watching or people watching.

• Possibility Play- this is about a break from reality or pursuing distraction, and sometimes that involves playing with identity or immersing oneself in subcultures. Think fandom or entertaining different lives, like scrolling through Zillow.

• Competitive Play-this is about rules-based play. Think sports, video games, or board games.

• Embodied Play-this type of play involves the body. Think exercising, trapeze, or riding roller coasters.

• (Mis)Behavior Play- this is about pushing boundaries. Think pranks or breaking the rules.

What kind of play do you have in your life? What type of play might you want more of?

Leave a comment

Playful (or playful adjacent) stuff to read

• Whether you are protecting your child’s time to play or your own, you may need the tool of saying no in your pocket. Check out ’s article about How to Say “No” Without Rejecting the Person.

• It’s no surprise to me that people are searching for whimsy right now, as highlighted on ScaryMommy.com.

• And earlier this month, I was so happy to feature ’s Lizzie Assa’s new book. Here are 5 Ways to See More Independent Play at Home In 2026 from her Substack.

“Fun” fiction

• As discussed previously, I view my reading as a part of play for me. Here are few “fun” fiction reads to consider (and of course, your reading doesn’t need to be “fun” to be considered play):

  • How the Penguins Saved Veronica* by Hazel Prior

  • One Death at a Time* by Abbi Waxman

  • Thank you for Listening* by Julia Whelan

Things to listen to

• Hobbies are often a way that we adults play. Here are two podcasts talking about the importance and challenges of hobbies. Check out this Culture Study episode:

  And this one from on Under the Influence:

• Play and creativity are intricately intertwined. Here is a great conversation about creativity and helps the listener see creativity in many avenues:

This month’s featured newsletter

There are so many great writers out there. But as with most things online, the recommendations can get lost on a platform. I highlight a wonderful publication each month to help you find great writing and ideas. Check it out and enjoy!

This month, in line with play and creativity, I am featuring the work of and her Substack, Nebula Notebook. Heidi describes her Substack as:

“Nebula Notebook is a warm community of creative mothers who believe it’s possible to make space for creativity even when life is bananas. 🍌🍌🍌”

Heidi is the author of the book, The Quickening: The Art of Being a Creative Mother which is such a treat. And she even has a new paid feature, named “Play Dates” which feels especially in line with a playful approach to creativity.

Nebula Notebook

Where creativity feels possible ✨ ✏️ 🪩⏳ 🍵 💕 📒 ✨

By Heidi Fiedler

This month on A Wonderful Mess

• This month on A Wonderful Mess, we brought a little mindfulness into our children’s play anchored by the wisdom of ’s Lizzie Assa’s new book, But I’m Bored: Discover the Power of Independent Play to Raise Confident, Resilient Kids*. We also explored how our reading is playful.

• And here is a playful piece of the past from A Wonderful Mess:

And one more thing…

Next month, we are exploring some harder edges, but that thread of play will still be there. We’ll start by talking about humor during hard times.

Dear readers, may you play with your loved ones soon.

Back to the cold (we had pseudo spring for a bit, it was a beautiful lie),

Kathryn

P.S. Winter play is all about freezing things…

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

If you are not interested in receiving posts on this particular topic, you can opt out by deselecting “Reading While Parenting” here. You can adjust your subscription preferences at any time at that link. Please note that unsubscribing from this email will unsubscribe you from all of A Wonderful Mess.

I hop in the car to pick up my daughter with the essential after-school snack next to me. Because if I don’t show up with THE snack, I shouldn’t even bother showing up. She’ll just tell you to go home and get it. The next important step in the pick up routine is deciding which audiobook to put on? A book focused on knowledge and has the potential for learning something interesting or the fun book1? I ultimately choose the fun because I’ve been up since 5 am, so it feels like it’s near bedtime (but it’s only 2:00 PM). My brain has used up all the learning space. It’s time for some play.

Over the last couple of months, there have been many lists of what people read over the previous year. And people then subsequently characterize or rate their reading year. For some, success is based on completed projects, meeting goals, tackling a long-time TBR book(s), or just the overall “feel” of the year. I don’t usually see the word play near many of these reflections.

However, there are sometimes these phrases:

• Guilty pleasures

• Escape reads

• Easy reads

• And sometimes fun reads

As I’ve been thinking more and more about play2 broadly, I’ve begun to wonder if these types of reads are really playful reads. As adults, we are expected to be “real” grown-ups, and it’s made us a little play-phobic. We are comfortable with saying we have a hobby or are an “enthusiast” of some sort. Passion projects are good, and life goals are lauded, but saying we are playing, that just feels childish.

Let’s play with it, readers

In Cas Holman’s book, Playful: How Play Shifts Our Thinking, Inspires Connection, and Sparks Creativity*, many possibilities of play are offered for adults. Her book focuses on helping redefine free play for adulthood. Holman uses the work of Penny Wilson to define free play as “freely chosen, personally directed, and intrinsically motivated.” Holman highlights throughout the book the wide range of what play can be for individuals. We all have our own way play will look for us and for many of us here, it’s reading.

I can imagine that for some, a readerly identity has been tied to academic accomplishment and intellectual prowess; so, the idea that reading could be play may not connect. This may be one of the reasons we use the framing mentioned earlier in this essay; when a book elicits an experience that doesn’t feel academic or “productive”, we need to qualify it as a guilty pleasure or an easy read. However, let’s consider some properties of play and how they may align with our reading lives.

The properties of play

In the book, Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Open the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul,) by Stuart Brown, MD, several properties of play are identified:

• Apparently purposeless

• Voluntary

• Inherent attraction

• Freedom from time

• Diminished consciousness of self

• Improvisational potential

• Continuation desire

Let’s consider how these play properties look in a reading life.

Purposeless

There is no survival value. Yes, someone may need to read for their professional or academic goals, but reading for pleasure? This does not secure you money or food. It’s just because. And I can hear that for some, you might say its purpose is well-being or knowledge, but from a basic needs perspective, it isn’t required to survive.

Voluntary

You pick up that book all on your own without someone forcing you. The autonomous nature picking up a book because you want to is important for it to be considered play.

Inherent attraction

This is pretty easy. You do it because it feels good. And this can look different depending on who is doing the reading. This is a great place to remember that fun is in the eye of the beholder. One reader’s fun read may be a slog to me.

Freedom from time

When you are reading, you lose track of time.

Diminished consciousness of self

You are not considering how you are looking while reading. This is a curious thing to think about when people get performative about their reading, for instance, on social media. But that’s an essay for a different day.

Improvisational potential

This property is about flexibility. Are you open to the serendipity of finding a new read on the shelves of the library? This could also look like the willingness to read a book selected by a book club or friend you wouldn’t necessarily select for yourself.

Continuation desire

And lastly, readers often want to read again.

Now, not all reading is going to fall into the category of play for you. And that’s okay. You may need to read as part of your job. And you won’t enjoy every book you read. Some reading experiences are just not as fun, but they may have significance in another way. I would also caution people from thinking that your book needs to be “happy” to be considered a form of play. It may be easy to identify a romance or fantasy book as playful, but if you enjoy learning about esoteric topics, immersing yourself in a moving work of historical fiction, or tackling a challenging read, it can still be a form of play for you.

Reading is freedom

In his book, Play, Brown reflects on the properties presented:

“These properties are what make play, for me, the essence of freedom. The things that most tie you down or constrain you—the need to be practical, to follow established rules, to please others, to make good use of time, all wrapped up in a self-conscious guilt—are eliminated. Play is its own reward, its own reason for being.”

Freedom.

There have been many things written about concerns about how much less people are reading these days. Every time a new study or survey comes out showing that people aren’t reading, a discussion follows about how people are replacing their reading time with what might be considered lesser quality leisure…you know, the screens. However, if we consider reading a form of play, another way to ask the question is why are people playing less? And play is about freedom, why are we less free?

Not guilty

Does qualifying our play(reading) by calling it a guilty pleasure, an escape, or anything else demote its importance? I’m really not sure. But play is important. And I would suggest considering what playful reading might bring to our lives.

Cas Holman describes the importance of play here:

“Play is how we learn to be human, how we learn who we are, how we learn to fail, communicate, love, fight, rebel, desire, build, survive. At its best, play is life-affirming, soul-sustaining, and mind-expanding. A life devoid of play is detrimental to our psychological, emotional, and physical health.”

You don’t have to be a reader to play. There are many ways to play. But please don’t discount how your reading life brings play into your day. How about instead of calling it a guilty pleasure or an easy read, you call it your life-affirming read? Soul-sustaining? Or maybe simply playful, will do.

Reading…about reading

Just a handful of reading-related tidbits for you.

• Another beautiful essay from titled, Reading as a default state

  “So, to bring things back to reading: I don’t read as much as I do because it fills my free time with something pleasant (which, of course, it does). I read because it redirects my attention away from a way of being that I am actively trying to avoid — a way of being defined by tightness, self-surveillance, and the constant sense that life must be endured before it can be enjoyed.”

• As briefly mentioned social media can impact our play/reading life. This essay from shares responses from her readers on how social media has impracted their reading lives in both positive and negative ways.

• Part of my own playful reading life currently is reading more middle-grade and young adult titles. There some great titles coming out this month in children’s literature as you can see here in Ten New Children’s Books That Embrace Joy and Celebrate Community from Literary Hub.

• February is Library Lovers’ Month! Show your library love this month, here are 5 ideas from BookRiot.

The comments section is what we make of it. Feel free to answer any or all of the questions below.

• What if you consider your reading life part of play? Would that impact how you read? Would it impact how you see yourself in your reading life?

• Share any good recent reads or books you are excited to get into.

• Don’t hesitate to share any reading conundrums? These may become a topic for a future post.

Leave a comment

Okay, dear readers, may you be free to play this week in whatever way that is for you. There will be no post next week due to the three-day weekend. I’ll see you with the monthly round-up on February 23rd.

Time to play, a.k.a. read on my couch,

Kathryn

P.S. You can merge your play in many ways, here is my new “Women Reading” puzzle.

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

We’re going to take the next few installments of A Wonderful Mess to get a little playful. There is A LOT going on in the world right now. And it might seem like play is a frivolous topic given the times. But I believe that play is important for both children and adults. All humans deserve safety to access play. Talking about play helps us understand and respect its value for everyone.

Plus, no matter what is going on in the world, the play keeps happening in my house, how about yours?

So onto play we go…This week, we’re talking about our kids’ play, and next week, we are going to think about how our reading lives can be playful. The roundup this month is also full of ideas about play for both kids and adults.

When many people think of mindfulness, they likely picture someone engaged in a task with calm, quiet attention or meditation.

Mindfulness might not be associated with pictures of messy play? Probably not these shenanigans.

Today, we are going to bring some mindful tools into your kids’ play. A little mindful mindset on our part as parents can play out to everyone’s benefit (oh yes, pun intended).

A brief tour of mindfulness for those who are less familiar or need a little refresher. If you want a broader explanation of where mindfulness meets parenting, check out this oldie but goodie piece from the A Wonderful Mess archive.

Mindfulness in just a moment

Here is a helpful explanation of mindfulness from Greater Good Magazine: Science-Based Insights for a Meaningful Life:

“Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment, through a gentle, nurturing lens.

Mindfulness also involves acceptance, meaning that we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings without judging them—without believing, for instance, that there’s a “right” or “wrong” way to think or feel in a given moment. When we practice mindfulness, our thoughts tune into what we’re sensing in the present moment rather than rehashing the past or imagining the future.”

I want to highlight some key ingredients here: attention, awareness, and acceptance all in the context of the present moment. These elements can be particularly valuable in how we support our children and their play. And before anyone gets anxious that I am about to unload a whole lot of work for you to “help” your child play, take a mindful breath. Applying the concepts of attention, awareness, and acceptance as a mindset towards your child’s play is mental work, yes. But it’s not about buying toys, creating complicated craft projects, or committing lots of time to intensive pretend play.

And why play?

Why would you need to bring attention, awareness, and acceptance to your kids’ play? Here it goes, plain and simple: play is important for children.

Wait a second, that was actually an incomplete statement.

Play is important for ALL humans. (Don’t worry, we will get to you grown-ups in the next couple of weeks)

You know who likes play a lot? The National Institute for Play. It was founded by Stuart M Brown, MD, the author of the book Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul. And if you look at the mission statement of NIFP, you get the gist of why play is important, it drives home the point pretty well:

“The National Institute for Play supports play as a public health necessity. Like sleep, dreams, and nutrition, play is critical to our health and well-being. Research demonstrates that play improves our brain function, learning, creativity, and emotional resilience, while major play deprivation can have unhealthy consequences at any age. The NIFP recognizes, supports, and promotes the science of play.”

What do we mean by play?

We are going to keep it broad, because each person’s play can look very different.

Stuart Brown, MD, shares in his book, Play, the following on what he considers play to be:

“Play is state of mind that one has when absorbed in an activity that provides enjoyment and a suspension of sense of time. And play is self-motivated so you want to do it again and again.”

And what does mindfulness have to do with it?

Be a present parent. Has anyone heard that one before?

It’s a statement that feels good on the surface, but is a tall order in a world of chaos. And what does it even mean? It’s all about that present moment. Stepping into it, seeing it for what it is, letting the stories that might be trying to get through fall to side, and coming back and back again to what is front of you. And a reminder here: you can’t always be present, that’s not the point. For today’s discussion we are talking about play moments. Your ability be in the present can be a catalyst for play. It may lead towards understanding the mysteries of play themes like the “packing game”, helping shush your play judge, retiring those social media ideas of perfect play, and even butting out of play when you’re not needed.

Directing your attention toward play and its purpose

Although we most often think of mindfulness in terms of observing internal states, like thoughts and body sensations in meditation. We can also direct our attention towards the world outside ourselves. So let’s direct our attention towards our children’s play.

In her new book, But I’m Bored: Discover the Power of Independent Play to Raise Confident, Resilient*, Lizzie Assa. MSEd, who writes , shares the importance of observation in supporting your child’s play.

“We all watch our kids, but intentional observation can reveal things about your child you might not have consciously noticed before. By taking the time to watch how your child plays, interacts with others, and approaches challenges, you may discover hidden talents, recurring behavioral patterns, or areas where they might benefit from additional support.”

Assa suggests intentionally observing your child and, at times, taking some notes. By watching your child play, you can learn many interesting things about their play and needs. Like the need to make big movements or wanting to play in a way that brings order to chaos. As I read Assa’s book, I kept coming back to thinking about how mindfulness intersects with her wisdom. Observing your child’s play isn’t about finding faults or discovering ways to improve or optimize it. The goal is to observe play and witness its uniqueness as it pertains to your child. Much like how a meditator observes what shows up when they sit.

What do you think you might see by observing your child’s play?

Observation can lead to solving the mysteries of the universe…maybe

A benefit of intentionally observing your child’s play is that you gain insights into its purpose. Assa explains in But I’m Bored:

“It may not always be obvious exactly what purpose a child is getting out of play, and I want to emphasize that you don’t have to understand the purpose of your child’s play. You can simply sit back and trust that their play has meaning. However, if you start paying attention to what your child is doing and the way they are doing it, you will likely begin to see some recurring themes.”

Assa goes on to explore many common types of play children engage in. I’ve never felt so seen as when she discusses the packing game: “Here’s how it worked: The children would find a bag, backpack, or suitcase and proceed to “pack” their small toys, blankies, paper scraps, crayons, etc. into the bags.” My children are top-level experts in the packing game. And it drives me mad. Assa shares how she and her friend would see the packing game getting started and, “thinking only of the mess of tiny items we would later have to unpack and return to their proper spots in our homes.” And that is where I felt so very seen. I appreciate how Assa explains that this form of play is about making sense of the world and allows kids to organize, categorize, and rehearse sequences they witness every day. A little observation without getting wound up in the future is helpful to gain a little more respect for the packing game. Even with more understanding you can still establish boundaries. Assa also shares it’s okay for a parent to say, “No, packing game today!”

Along with learning more about the play, tuning into the purpose of play can help us adults respect the play more. It may look odd, inefficient, messy, or nonsensical to us, but it has meaning to them.

Ask yourself next time you see your child playing what might this activity mean to them?

Keep the judge at bay and get curious

In mindfulness, non-judgement is an important concept. Non-judgment is about not assigning good or bad labels to what is happening in the moment. And bringing judgment into your child’s play can easily lead to time travel. Labels are an easy escape hatch right out of the present moment and into a decade ahead. Suddenly, you are sure what you are seeing right now with your young child is going to have a grave impact on their college applications. And then there are all the images we are fed through social media about play, it's easy to compare to other children.

Kids (and adults, too) all play in their own ways. And it’s easy to believe that play should look a certain way, but before you get all judgey about your kids’ play, remember:

“The characteristics of play all have to do with motivation and mental attitude, not with … the behavior itself. Two people might be throwing a ball ... or typing words on a computer, and one might be playing while the other is not. To tell which one is playing … you have to infer from their expressions and the details of their actions.”

Peter Gray, Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life

What happens when you accept that there isn’t a “right” way to play?

Try curiosity instead of judgment, even when it involves your bathroom supplies

And of course, kids may still need boundaries and guidance to stay safe and to learn about what are appropriate play things. But there is a lot of space for curiosity to help with this. Like the time when my kids found new room decor: maxi pads.

I’ll admit I wasn’t delighted by this. And a little non-judgment needed to be practiced towards myself about how I reacted to this, but then I was able to get curious about these new wall coverings. To be fair, I never told them they couldn’t decorate their room in this way. And after the initial shock, I can recognize the appeal of the peel-and-stick features and the novelty of their new materials. From there, I had some information to move forward with—more art materials, stickers, and perhaps a new location in the bathroom for supplies.

What would channeling some curiousity with your kids play do for you?

Your presence might be needed, but not your play

Another benefit of a mindful mindset towards your kids’ play is to know when you need to butt out. Being present in the moment means you to set aside any agenda for your child’s play. I am sorry to say this, but we grown-ups can easily muck up some beautiful play. Yes, you can defintiely play with your kids. Below there are two additional books you might want to check out for playful connection, but kids also need space to play in their own way. Assa’s book focuses on fostering independent play for your child and she does a great job of compassionately pointing out that sometimes adults are getting in the way.

"What matters is understanding when you might be interfering with your child’s play process. Be aware in your own mind about the difference between playing with your child, observing and narrating your child’s play, and letting your child play indepedendently. At each of these levels, you can let your child lead the play, or you can accidentally take over.”

What happens when your child is in charge of their play?

More ways to be playful with presence

• This book about storytelling is another avenue of playful connection anchored in presence. How to Tell Stories to Children* by Joseph Sarosy and Silke Rose West present a simple straightforward process for storytelling that requires presence and awareness.

• In the book Making It Up: A Revolutionary Way to Bond with Kids Through Play*, author Chris Mannino distills the practices of improv for parents to support play. Mannino proposes parents focus on just 10 minutes a day of bringing in a “yes, and” stance and practicing some playful “brick-building”. A key piece of that 10 minutes? Your presence. Mannino advises parents to choose the time that works for you, putting distractions aside (yes, that would be the phone), and committing to the scene…also known as play with your child. Mannino reinforces the power of bringing your attention and awareness to the moment throughout the book with these playful improv tools.

• And of course, check out Lizzie Assa’s book*; it’s full of helpful guidance about play that is reasonable, practical, and inspiring.

  

Dear readers, may you find a playful moment in your week.

Back to playtime,

Kathryn

P.S.

Maxi pads were apparently useful for crafting, not just room decor.

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

This month on A Wonderful Mess

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*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

Today’s piece is a departure from the regular rhythm of A Wonderful Mess. Typically, on the fourth Monday of the month, you find a roundup in your inbox. “For the Love of” posts are a curation of sorts. They include pieces, publications, and ideas collected over a month that hopefully others find useful in their lives and are recommended to you with the prospects of delight, entertainment, and/or information. Today’s piece is in the tradition of recommendations, but of a different relevance, the things one learns from the life of another. A life of one who is gone. This piece is about loss, but it is also very much about life. You know yourself and your needs; you can skip this one if need be, and know that the regular rhythm of A Wonderful Mess will return next month.

As 2026 began, I gathered with my family to say goodbye, not to the previous year, but to our father. An ending nestled within a beginning. He died surrounded by loved ones. I like the phrase “loved ones”. To have a loved one is to deeply care about another, and to be a loved one is to have someone who cares greatly about you. In a room, when someone is dying, what an honor to be on both sides of that equation.

And it is in that spirit of being loved and loving, I present a different curation this month. Three lessons gleaned from my father’s big, beautiful life. He wasn’t perfect, no one is, but he did have a real grand run. This has never been a newsletter with overly prescriptive advice, but here I am willing to share these recommendations as having some weight. In a time of year where we talk of change and developing habits, let a life lived be the guidance you need.

1. Have many fine meals

My father loved people…and food. He especially loved being with people while having food. And when you would talk to him about a recent trip, visit from family and friends, or celebration, it would be described with an emphatic statement, “Oh, we had a fine meal!” Now, he certainly enjoyed fine cuisine, but that is not what he was describing. He was talking about the quality of the stories, laughter, and shared experience that was had. It could have been at In’N’Out Burger or a Michelin-star restaurant; it didn’t matter. It was about sharing a meal with people he enjoyed.

Be together, laugh, tell stories, share your joys and sorrows, and do it with a cheese plate. You will never get to the end and find that you had too many fine meals in your life.

2. Show up

My father was a dedicated reader of A Wonderful Mess. He read nearly every essay. As an older guy with grown children, he wasn’t exactly the target audience, was he? But he read, asked questions, and shared my writing with others. I happen to be a part of a family with a high creative output. So throughout his life, my father attended games, performances, and art shows. He listened to music, viewed art, watched TV and movies, and read books of poetry, all created by people in his life. I am certain he didn’t always quite “get it” or agree with all of it. Still, he was a listener, viewer, audience member, and reader for his people. He showed up to value what we held out to the world because we were precious to him.

Precious is defined as: “(of an object, substance, or resource) of great value; not to be wasted or treated carelessly.”

Show up and treat your precious people with care; do not waste their great value.

3. Don’t be afraid to be playful

My father was a well-respected attorney. The tribute notes from those who knew him professionally echo comments about his knowledge, experience, mentorship, integrity, and influence within the law community. Many also note his appreciation of a laugh. What they don’t mention is his skill for doing fishy lips with his granddaughter on FaceTime, his singing of “the pizza song” every time we ate pizza (like EVERY time), his phone calls to me in college to howl at a full moon, or his delight with the humor of a toy called “the fart machine.” Throughout life, a playfulness remained within him despite life’s challenges, losses, and the world’s expectations.

Be playful and silly, a laugh awaits you just around the corner.

Way back in a different life, only months ago, when my father was present and alive, I dutifully started to organize my year within A Wonderful Mess. I put together a new approach for the year with some loose monthly themes. Next month is play (and playfulness). Can I really write about play after my dad died?

Yes, I absolutely can because play is a beautiful way to be in this life, however long it may be. My dad taught me that.

So until next month, dear readers, may you have a fine meal soon. And if need be, send this to your precious people to get that get-together you’ve been talking about on the calendar. My dad would tell you it’s worth it.

Back to the mess,

Kathryn

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

You can see some of the previous guest essays below:

Further details can be found in the Google form. You can fill out the Google form with your contact information and pitch by clicking on the button right here:

Pitch your Guest Post!

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As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

If you are not interested in receiving posts on this particular topic, you can opt out by deselecting “Reading While Parenting” here. You can adjust your subscription preferences at any time at that link. Please note that unsubscribing from this email will unsubscribe you from all of A Wonderful Mess.

One of the reasons I started to write more directly about reading in parenthood was that we (parents) are often talking and thinking about reading in relation to our children but not ourselves. We want our children to be readers and we are worried about children and reading. This valued, prized activity is often shoved aside (along with many other things) for us parents in service of our kids. So while the Reading While Parenting topics are often more focused on parents as readers, cultivating a culture of reading in your home is a pursuit that serves the needs and interests of many, your kids included, Here are some thoughts and ideas about cultivating a culture of reading in your home and beyond…

Read together…especially with big kids

This is where I highlight the wonderful work of and her newsletter, . Clarkie knows how to bring the festive to the everyday.

“In my house, a book party is when everyone hangs out in the same room and reads their own book. Everyone’s invited — even babies.”

Keywords here: “reads their own book.” Yes, reading to your child is important and wonderful. And this is not about taking that experience away. But this is about creating space for reading as a family. I’ve mentioned this before but I read most nights next to my 5th grader and now my 3rd grader joins us some nights, too. We read our own books and it’s delightful. My 5th grader and I have started occasionally doing buddy reads where we read the same book on our own. We enjoy fantasy adventures and it’s so interesting to learn about what he does and doesn’t like in certain books. This may feel like a far away dream depending on how old your children are, but I encourage you to check out Clarkie’s work because you can never start too early to lay the foundation for these future reading moments.

Share your misses and did not finishs

I’ve previously shared this essay from , but this quote is still swirling around my brain.

“We don’t need to recover a lost reading habit. We need to learn a new one.

Most of us were taught to read within the safe confines of the classroom. No one showed us how to build a reading life that belongs only to us. That’s the real literacy crisis — not that we’ve forgotten how to read, but that we’ve never learned how to guide ourselves through the vast, unsupervised library of adulthood.

Don’t just show your kids that you are reading books, model the whole of a reading life. These are lifelong skills that can serve them well beyond English class. How you pick books, what you do when something doesn’t work, and knowing it’s okay to put a book down. As parents we sometimes have a shaky relationship with quitting, we are worried if our kids don’t persevere bad things will happen. If kids think they must finish every book even if they don’t like it, think about that trajectory into adulthood as a reader.

Talk a lot about books

In all the places. With all the people. Be that person that instead of asking what someone does or where do their kids go to school, ask them if they have read anything good lately. Do it. You are going to disrupt that social script and you never know, you might get a book recommendation out of it. Talk to your kids about books. Don’t make it like school, just ask them about what they are reading. And share what you are reading with them, too.

Put books everywhere

Like everywhere. After a stack of poetry books from my childhood had been sitting in a nook in our living room for months, my bored kid picked one up and spent a big chunk of an afternoon reading. And he still returns to this stack intermittently. And this goes for you, too. has the right idea in this piece:

The Underlined

Want to read more? Make reaching for a book as easy as reaching for your phone.

I was at the community center waiting to pick my daughter up from her theater class. In the three minutes it took me to walk from the main floor to the basement to fetch her, I became sickened by what I witnessed. Everyone — even the two women behind a desk, working — was on their phone. People walking down the hallway had eyes on their devices, not not…

Read more

6 months ago · 70 likes · 51 comments · Kolina Cicero

When you have a book in your hands at dance class…another adult is going to ask you about it and you will talk about books in the wild, contributing to the culture of books in your greater community.

The comments section is what we make of it. Feel free to answer any or all of the questions below.

• How do you bring a culture of reading into your home or community.

• Share any good recent reads or books you are excited to get into.

• Don’t hesitate to share any reading conundrums? These may become a topic for a future post.

Leave a comment

Okay dear readers, hoping you find a book for your week,

Back to the book stack,

Kathryn

P.S. There is no post next week due to the three day weekend for MLK, Jr. day. The first monthly roundup of 2026 will arrive in your inbox on January 26th.

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

If you are not interested in receiving posts on this particular topic, you can opt out by deselecting “Reading While Parenting” here. You can adjust your subscription preferences at any time at that link. Please note that unsubscribing from this email will unsubscribe you from all of A Wonderful Mess.

Dear readers, Happy New Year!

It’s that time where we set goals for the year. I’ll be honest, I’ve been suspicious of new year’s resolutions in years past. Yes, this time of year really supports that fresh start effect that can facilitate goals. However, I am wary of the narrative that there is always something to change or to improve on. But with that said, I do like to set some intentions around my reading life each year. I like a plan, what can I say?

To number or not

Do you set a numeric goal of books (pages or daily minutes) for your reading year? This previous year, I did set a numeric goal of books read, which I did reach.

I knew that this particular goal would require me to center reading in my life but it also didn’t feel too out of reach based on estimations of how long it takes me to read books. Overall this was a positive experience. It did what I had hoped, as in it supported me in priortizing reading.

There can be some downsides to setting a number goal. In a world that we love to track, optimize, and gamify we can lose sight of the purpose of reading in our lives. Is reading really only to get some digital confetti? Trying to read to a number goal can also influence our reading choices and keep us from trying books out of our comfort zone or out of a certain page limit. If choosing a numeric goal, it’s helpful to ask yourself question what would this number mean to you and your life?

This year I am…

Setting broader intentions instead of picking a number of books read. I have no plans to change how and when I read, so theoretically I will likely land near the same number next year. I don’t feel the need to “improve” upon the number. For my reading life this year, I am choosing to go more with some guiding principles. And here they are:

• Looking to the saga, epic, the long view, and the big picture

  • I have no intention of diving into The Iliad. I am looking to embrace stories across time—family sagas, characters across a lifetime, deepening connection to characters and places by completing some series. I have found in moments of stress and strife, expanding our perspective is a helpful exercise. To remember that this moment is just that, this moment, and then there is another, and so on. Putting the moments together through fiction is an excellent way to swim in bigger picture.

• The old is new to me

  • I’ve previously written about returning to reading fiction in the last couple of years. It’s easy to get distracted by all the new and shiny stories coming out each month. And yet there are so many stories pre-2026 that I want to visit. I am not swearing off new releases but I am continuing to focus on finding titles from years before. I am doing this in a few ways that I will share in the future.

I’ve got a couple reading challenges I might dip in and out of through the year, too. And I’ll be reading with my book club. But I want to hear from you. What do you envision for your reading life this year?

The comments section is what we make of it. Feel free to answer any or all of the questions below.

• Do you have any reading goals or intentions this year? Please share.

• Any books you are looking forward to this new year?

• Don’t hesitate to share any reading conundrums? These may become a topic for a future post.

Leave a comment

Okay, may you find a moment to read a page or two.

Back to my bookshelf,

Kathryn

P.S. Next week we’ll be talking about book culture….at home and in your community.

*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org. If you purchase through this link, I will earn a small commission (at no extra cost to you)

As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.