8 Things No One Tells You About Having a Daughter
Brutally honest insights from a reluctant girl mom Lauren Salles
Some housekeeping notes to begin...
First, due to the holiday weekend in the US next week, A Wonderful Mess will again arrive in your inbox on February 24th.
Second, this is the final essay from the lovely writers who helped me during my shoulder surgery recovery. I found the experience of hearing all these very different stories, perspectives, and insights so valuable. Moving forward, there will continue to be opportunities to invite other voices into the mess. If you are a writer interested in pitching a guest essay for the spring, you can find more details here.
Today, we have an essay from
. Lauren is a freelance essayist published on Business Insider, Motherly, and elsewhere. Aspiring author of adult and children's books. Occasional poet. Mom, wife, SLP, athlete, and sensitive soul. Lauren writes Live Learn Letters on Substack.Lauren previously published this essay on her Substack. So I asked her to write her introduction to share any new insights or thoughts since she originally published it. Thank you for being in the mess with us, Lauren.
Disclaimer from Lauren: There is gender-specific language in this post. These words will not resonate with everyone, and that’s OK! They aren’t meant to. These are the author’s own thoughts and experiences. I acknowledge that the larger conversation on sex and gender is much more convoluted than what I’ve alluded to here. So, if this post isn’t for you, feel free to skip it!
It’s been about a year since I published this post, and I’m a slightly less reluctant “girl mom” at this point. (Even though as others have stated, I do hate the tendency that we have to label ourselves as such.)
I’ve accepted the heavy responsibility of guiding my daughters thru this unfair and confusing world.
Reading Sexism and Sensibility* by
both validated my own experiences growing up and also made me more worried/hypervigilant about raising my two daughters. I don’t want them to see me putting on makeup or spending time altering my appearance in any way. I’m sensitive about the input they receive from family, friends, and the community. Heck, I even take issue with the “god our father” prayer my two-year-old learned at school because I want my daughters to see themselves reflected in the divine; to know that they as females are inherently powerful.Still, every day I become more and more confident that I am the best person to mother them. It will be the most important work of my life, and I hope to heal some parts of myself along the way.
Without further ado, here are 8 things that no one tells you about having a daughter:
1. When you first get pregnant, before you even know the sex of your baby, random people (like your husband’s coworker) will say stupid things like “we’re hoping for a boy.”
And then, if/when you reveal that you’re having a girl, people can’t help but ooze a sense of pity: “Oh, poor you, you have to pay for (another) wedding!”
The ignorant comments that expose preference for sons doesn’t stop there.
One mom with two young daughters told me that while playing at the pool, a stranger approached her husband to say “I hope you get your boy one day.”
Really?! How, in the 21st century when at least half of the American population (and a majority of young people) can acknowledge that gender exists on a spectrum, do we still see so much male favoritism?
Probably because in America, and across the world, men hold most (if not all) of the power. Being born male means an easier life in many ways - more access, more freedom, less judgment. And while this trend is starting to change, it still holds true.
Daughters aren’t as revered because they’re still often seen as second-class citizens with less potential than sons. If you don’t believe me, then just keep reading!
2. After she’s born, unless she is wearing a bow (or a bright pink outfit), everyone will assume she is a boy.
And that’s because being male is the default. Most of the institutions/systems in our country were created by and for men. Why? Because men have always been in power, and historically have considered women sub-human. Or, simply, they just haven’t considered women at all.
Just one example of this can be seen in sports. We’ll talk running, since that has been my personal sport of choice. Despite the fact that the first running shoes were developed in the 1800’s, the first women’s running shoes (that were designed specifically for women’s feet) weren’t invented until 1978. Until then, any women’s shoes that existed were just scaled down versions of men’s shoes. “Shrink it and pink it” was the motto.
It took over a century for companies to create running shoes for women. 1978 was just 45 years ago. This is recent history, and shoes are just the bare minimum when it comes to gender inequality in sports. Still, coaches for all sports teams (including women’s teams) are mostly men, and they tend to coach women and girls as though they are just smaller versions of boys/men. We have a long way to go before sports can be considered equal. To learn more about this, I highly recommend Lauren Fleshman’s book Good for a Girl: A Woman Running in a Man’s World.
One more example of males as the standard lies in the representation disparity between female and male characters in literature and film. Even though girls read more than boys, there are still far more children’s books centered around male protagonists. Similarly, females in movies have less lead roles and less speaking parts than their male counterparts.
For further reading and evidence on this, see here and here and here.
For these reasons, women and girls have learned how to live in a man’s world; to take their perspective and understand their worldview. Unfortunately, the reverse is not true, which we observed by how many men didn’t “get” the barbie movie. It was a film made for women by women, after all, so of course many of them wouldn’t understand. Men haven’t had as much practice taking women’s perspectives. Because they haven’t had to. Again, male is the default.
3. One more note on clothes: finding girl clothes that are not pink or don’t have flowers is nearly impossible.
Unless you subscribe to the beige baby trend or shop at off-the-beaten-path places like H&M for your baby clothes, walk into any retailer like Target or Walmart and you’ll be faced with the great pink-blue divide.
To this day, I have come across only one girls’ outfit with skateboards on it rather than flowers or butterflies or fruits. And good luck finding anything dainty on a boys outfit.
The differences between girl and boy clothes are infuriating. I don’t want to dress my daughter in pink flowery outfits everyday, and yet that is what is most readily and widely available. It strikes me how children’s clothes tend to represent societal attitudes about the different genders. Girls should be pretty and dainty, like flowers. Boys should be strong and tough, like cars and trucks and sports.
Whereas boys are permitted to be wild and unruly, girls must be polite and well-behaved. It’s OK for boys to look a mess, but girls should always be dressed up and look presentable. Which leads me to my next point …
4. Everyone will immediately start complimenting her appearance, and you (as a girl mom) will always feel obligated to dress up when leaving the house (boy moms don’t seem to face this much pressure).
Well-meaning family and friends will greet your daughter with phrases like “Hi, pretty girl,” “I love your outfit,” “You look so beautiful.” And she’ll take in these messages and slowly begin to equate her worth and value with her appearance. She’ll become more aware of how she looks and she’ll start seeking reassurance. And if/when she doesn’t get it, she’ll wonder if there’s something wrong with her.
This process happens sneakily overtime, devolving as she gets older. But it starts when she’s young, when she can barely understand what she’s hearing from the people in her closest circles. They give her attention for her looks and compliment her clothes, rather than her mind or her spirit or her abilities.
Parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and friends: we need to do better.
5. People will assume lots of things.
They will have different expectations of her because she is a girl, and this starts early. “Girls talk sooner, boys walk sooner” is one common trope.
Everyone likes to draw conclusions about babies’ growth base on their sex, even though sex-based differences in child development are relatively insignificant.
And these assumptions will continue throughout her life. Messages about how she should act or the things she should like because she’s a girl are endless (see discussion on clothes options above).
“You must love princesses!” “When are you going to start dance lessons?” “You’re such a sweet girl!” “Don’t you want to play dolls?” “Let’s put on makeup and have a tea party!”
There’s nothing inherently wrong with these assumptions and messages. It’s when they’re presented as the only acceptable option that becomes harmful. And the same is true or boys.
It’s damaging when we assume that we know who a child is based on external characteristics rather than allowing them to show us who they are on the inside.
Assuming that your daughter would rather play inside and do ‘girl things’ rather than roll around in the dirt is not only unfair, but limiting. And she may grow up to learn that other things are off-limits too, like certain professions or leadership roles.
So, lets encourage more rambunctious play for girls, and more dollhouses for boys, shall we? And can we please stop telling kids who we think they are before they can figure it out themselves. In doing so, we place children in boxes that often feel impossible to climb out of – even once they’re older.
6. You will feel terrified.
Because of the way you grew up, because the world is still so cruel to women and girls. You will think about how being born in another country would mean that she could never go to school. You will think about how one day, she might put on a bikini and scrutinize every inch of her body.
Not only will you fear walking home alone by yourself at night, you’ll also fear that for her. When she gets to high school, you’ll worry every time she heads out the door for a solo run. Once she’s in college, you’ll stay awake wondering if she’s at a frat party and if she’ll be safe.
You’ll have to teach her things that you wouldn’t have to teach your son - harsh truths that you wish you could change. She’ll learn the perils of being born into a female body, and since you can’t change the world, you’ll bolster her with as much confidence and strength as you can to prepare her to face it.
More than anything, you’ll hope that she can walk with her head held high, see the world’s beauty rather than its ugliness, and pray that no one ever takes that sparkle from her eye.
7. You will be confronted with how much you love or hate yourself (translation: you might face some resistance about being a girl mom).
Before we found that we were having a daughter, my husband and I went to dinner with two other pregnant couples. One of the women said “I really do not want to have a daughter … sons for me only, please!”
I remember being so disgusted and appalled by her comment, wondering how a future mom (to a possible daughter!) could say something so brash.
Like any good progressive millennial, I had convinced myself that I didn’t care about the sex of our baby. Which is why when we first found out that we were having a daughter, I was surprised at how disappointed I felt. Of course, I was grateful for her health and for the ability to become a mom. But becoming a ‘girl mom’ hit me like a ton of bricks.
In all honesty, my husband seemed more excited to have a daughter than I was – but that’s because he didn’t have to grow up as a girl.
I am not a girly-girl. I’ll pick muddy soccer fields over beauty pageants any day of the week. In fact, I spent half of my elementary days wanting to cut my hair and dress in boys clothes - distancing myself from my femaleness as much as possible.
Why? Because I picked up on society’s bias against females – especially in my southern bible-belt town. Boys were better than girls, and in order to be the best (which I wanted to be, at everything – I was very competitive!) I needed to be like a boy. So I leaned hard into my “tomboy” era.
Being a girl meant being taken less seriously. It meant boring activities like “chatting” at recess instead of running around. It meant itchy dresses and sitting on the pews wondering why I couldn’t be an alter boy or a priest one day.
I didn’t realize how much I had internalized these beliefs until I found out that I was having a daughter. The self-hatred ran deep. I resented my femininity because I believed, deep down, that it made me inferior.
And these are the unspeakable truths that were unearthed in me when I found out that I was having a daughter (both times!).
In order to avoid projecting and passing on this self-hatred to them, I have to face it. Because I’ll only be able to love my daughters as much as I can love myself.
8. Lastly, having a daughter will allow you to see things with new eyes.
It will force you to relive some of the toughest moments of your life: the mean girls in high school. Feeling left out. Not being elected to student council. Not making the team. Not feeling pretty enough, or smart enough. Or, being too loud and rambunctious and getting in trouble for talking back (or for asking tough questions that don’t have answers).
Watching my daughters navigate this life will touch all of my pain points and I’m woefully unprepared. Thankfully, I can learn right alongside them. My girls won’t have a perfect mother, but they will have a mama who is trying. And that’s the best I can do!
If you would like to learn more about Lauren, you can find her at
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As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.
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Thank you Lauren for joining us here in the mess!
This was so beautiful and hit home. I have 18 month old twin girls. We didn’t find out their sex until birth. I’ll never forget my husbands grandma died a few weeks later and at her funeral a man eagerly asked my husband what’d you end up having and my husband ecstatic said “ two girls “ and the man replied with “ oh I’m sorry “ my husband was so confused. I wasn’t. People are the worst!