Am I a Valentine's Day Grinch?

A layer cake of plastic toys, expectations about parenthood and the feelings

The list of classmate names came last week with simple instructions:

• bring valentine cards

• bring a card for every child

• no food or candy allowed

There is no mention of the trinkets—erasers, pencils, sticky hands, slime or fidgets.

But that doesn’t stop me from channeling Dr. Seuss’s iconic Grinch with my own unique refrain…

Oh, the stuff; oh, the stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff! That's one thing I hate: all the stuff, stuff, stuff, *stuff*!

I am terrified of AI but I asked for Valentine Grinch and this is what it gave me which meant that I instantly wanted to spend the next hour inputting random requests

All that stuff

The pandemic really paused the outside “stuff” from holidays and birthdays…until it didn’t. Once policies became more flexible it was like the doors swung open and there was a lot of making up for lost time. I remember when my husband forwarded this article “The Classroom Goody Bags Have Gotten Out of Control” from

Laura Fenton

a couple of years ago and I had a feeling of being so deeply seen.

“It’s also a vicious cycle: Once one kid has distributed goody bags, the other kids want to give them out too. Each one seems more extravagant than the last.”

-Laura Fenton

The goodie bag trend was beyond birthdays, it included holidays like Halloween and Valentine’s Day. Some of the goodie bag fervor has quieted down but the companies of trinketry caught on quick. As many schools now have policies about no food favors, most Valentine’s cards come with a de facto trinket, whether you like it or not. Tattoos, stickers, stencils, pencils and erasers are the bulk. At least, we are able to restock our pencil supply every February.

I despise the little broken parts of things all over my home in the days following celebrations. And yet, I can’t proclaim to be somehow better in negating the proliferation of “stuff”. I am very much a participant, too, despite my awareness of the clutter factor and the environmental impact—the inconsistency of humans. At Halloween, as a food allergy family we support the Teal Pumpkin Project where you offer non-food items to trick-or-treaters. And these non-food items are the same doodads that drive me mad.

And we buy the cards that come with pencils. We do this because the other options of creating our own something at home takes planning, time and additional effort. These additional efforts, on top of the unacknowledged baseline effort to participate in these events, never comes to fruition. And when my kids receive the personalized, above and beyond goodie bags from others, well, these stir up some feelings and it’s not only about the stuff.

It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me…well kind of

This is not a persecution of the parents that go above and beyond. If this brings you joy then why would I ever want to steal someone’s joy? No, the query here is why does the sight of a whimsical take home craft from a classmate bring the opposite of joy to me.

I see the pink and red favors effortlessly assembled on Instagram and there is an initial warm, fuzzy feeling. That looks easy to do. And then self awareness kicks in, which is such a buzzkill. Flashbacks to early motherhood, when great efforts were made to provide enriching activities from sources like Pinterest. The prep and cleanup nearly triple the time of the actual engagement with the activity. The final product eventually landing in the trash, begging the question—what was this for?

Initially, it felt that working full-time was the obstacle to making creative eco-friendly individual favors for holidays. The unfairness felt palpable. These were things I thought I might do if I had more time. And then I shifted to being a stay-at-home parent with the theoretical “more time”. As many stay-at-home parents know, more time is a total falsehood. Your days both simultaneously drag and evaporate at an alarming rate. I discovered that it simply wasn’t work that prevented these favors from manifesting. The truth was it actually isn’t the type of parent I am. But why did I think that was who I supposed to be in the first place?

The layer cake

Parenthood is good at showing you that your expectations are missing the mark, but they aren’t only your expectations. It’s a layer cake. Some layers we are aware of, while others are more hidden. Our expectations are certainly shaped by experiences. For some, there is a desire to emulate what was witnessed growing up and for others there is an intentional departure from early models. And for many, it is a mix of taking and leaving behind. There are other influences that come through multiple channels such as the culture of your local community or social media content. There is nothing wrong with the layers per se, it’s just helpful to know that they are there and how they lead to pressure or choices that actually feel pretty joy-less.

To bring the extra magic requires a lot—research, planning, purchasing, assembly (with or without help from children) and delivery. A lot of life will get in the way of this such as finances, exhaustion, other caregiving responsibilities, work commitments, mental health, childcare and health needs. Being aware of your layers and respecting your own needs and values can support you in connecting to whether this activity is necessary for you and your family. The presence or absence of goodie bags has nothing to do with how good a parent you are.

Photo by Vitalii S. on Unsplash Just an excuse to include a picture of cake

The love is still alive

For the record, I don’t hate Valentine’s Day. I have fond memories of stuffing cards with strategically selected conversation hearts. My parents always gave us a small heart-shaped box of candy and a card (many of which I still have). As a tween a tradition formed with my best friend—she would make a decadent chocolate cheesecake and we would watch Simply Irresistible with Sarah Michelle Gellar. It was a perfect way to appease our adolescent pining for unreciprocated crushes. Now, as a family we have our own traditions. We always give we give a collection books and there may be some form of heart-shaped food which only requires a cookie-cutter.

Let’s be kind

Ultimately isn’t this holiday about love…and Hallmark. Kindness very much falls under the umbrella of love. And perhaps that is worth the focus:

• Kindness to yourself

  -for wherever you find yourself in this moment whether you are saying no to doing more, wishing you could do more or finding joy in doing a little bit extra

• Kindness to other parents

  -knowing that everyone is doing the best that they can

• Kindness to our kids

  -remembering kids do well when they can…even when they get slime on the couch cushion

And for anyone whose kids are in my kids’ class, you will be getting your pencils and erasers restocked in a couple of weeks. You’re welcome.

Photo by Laura Ockel on Unsplash