Don't Change this New Year

Ask some questions instead

Dear readers, we are in that weird, nebulous week between Christmas and New Year’s. Do you even know what day it is? It’s Monday if you are reading this…maybe, depending on when you open the email. I’ve got some questions for you today. These are questions to ask on December 31^st (or March 22^nd, July 3^rd, or any date of the year). I am not a fan of New Year’s resolutions. The idea that on a certain date, we should all think of something we want to change about ourselves is not an idea I want to support. Change is not a bad thing, let me be clear. It’s just the idea that we all need to do it right now to become “better” somehow; it seems forced and unnecessary.

That being said, the fresh start energy of the new year is a thing. And as a psychologist, I fully support setting goals. I just don’t want people to feel that they constantly need “to better” themselves because someone wants them to buy a gym membership or sign up for an online course. So, below I have three questions for you. Maybe they are an adjunct to your already established resolutions, in place of resolutions, or saved for a random date in the future because all days can be a start for someone somewhere.

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Questions

• What are your values?

  I have the most to say for this question because if you do nothing else—no resolutions, no goals, no intentions, no words, no challenges—spending a little time thinking about your values for the new year can be incredibly useful. These are your compass in this mess of a world. Taking a page from acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), naming those values is well…invaluable to your life. Sorting out what’s truly important to you gives you a lot of insight into the direction to move (all year-round). The short version here is that values are:

  • Freely chosen

  • Intrinsically meaningful

  • Within your control

  • And continuous—there is no final destination

  Here’s a great little primer from Amber Groomes,Ph.D. (she/her) :

  Why Living Our Values Means Accepting Painful Emotions

  Values give you space and flexibility. For instance, valuing health and being a “healthy” person are two different things. Same for valuing joy and being joyful, valuing presence and being present, and so on. The being version is akin to a label. And that can be subjective, inflexible, and defined by others. Valuing health in a time when you are encountering a chronic illness is going to look different than using markers of what others deem as being a “healthy” person. Valuing joy looks different in someone managing depression than being a “joyful” person. And valuing presence is different than trying to be perfectly mindful all the time. Values give you direction and then you have many possible actions.

• What do you want to be doing this year?

  I know this might feel very similar to a goal or New Year’s resolution, BUT this isn’t about change per se. Maybe you want to be doing exactly what you are already doing. Or is there something you want to do differently, more of, or less? What does your doing look like when you envision your year? Not focusing on an outcome, like how you would look or feel, but the actions of the doing. Is it learning to crochet, overhauling your finances, or meditating? What does the doing look like? Sometimes resolutions get framed in the negative, i.e., I want to stop scrolling on my phone, I want to stop yelling at my kids, or I want to stop bingeing Netflix. But these statements don’t really address what you want to be doing. Yes, you can do some behavioral swaps, make a list of the things to do instead of scrolling, but it’s going to have a lot more staying power knowing what you want to be doing in the context of your values that you thoughtfully wrote down from the previous question.

  Note: It helps to get really concrete about what you're doing.

• What feelings are you willing to have this year?

  It’s easy to pick a feeling you want to have this year. They usually fall into the what we like to think of as “positive” realm: joy, happiness, gratitude, calm, and so on. All worthy feelings for sure…but they are feelings, and they are fickle. Despite what many wellness and self-help flavors would tell us, we actually have a lot less control over feelings. And even if we get to experience some of those desired feelings, there are a whole lot of other kinds of feelings likely to come our way in 2026. Consider thinking about what feelings you are willing to feel this year in support of your doing. These are the tricky feelings. Are you willing to feel exhausted, uncomfortable, disappointed, overwhelmed in the service of all the doing that is informed by your values? We so often set our goals with the idea that they will lead to the “happy” feelings at the end, but there are many feelings along the way. Spend some time committing to experience those less popular feelings for the new year, because experiencing those might be exactly how you do what you want this year.

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Do you do New Year’s resolutions? Would love to hear your perspective.

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Dear readers, may you stay the same AND do what you want in the new year.

Back to the couch, where I am only vaguely aware of time and place,

Kathryn

This photo is from the time we went to Ikea on New Year’s Day, and my then-toddler decided to take off his shirt while I was turned around. Because we have about as much control over our toddlers as we do our feelings.

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As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD, is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.