Good Morning. Mom needs coffee.

How do you determine a morning routine for your needs?

Starting with this post, Mindful Mom in the Mud is shifting to a once-weekly schedule. This will allow for space to focus on new things including collaborations, interviews and a deeper dive on some topics. So, this is definitely a less is more situation. I will be experimenting with the format a little bit to continue to include resources, recommendations and practices within posts. I will be checking in from time to time on how these new formats are working for readers. I am excited for what will come next here, I hope you are too.

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Quiet, please

I recently started a new routine in the morning called “quiet coffee”. I wish I could tell you it means I have my coffee alone quietly. That would be nice, but no. This is an attempt to make my coffee quietly so that a few moments can be scraped together where I am alone-ish in the morning. I believe that our espresso machine has become an alarm clock for our children. So I now use a quieter method with a French press so I can assemble my caffeine before they arise. So far, it has seemed to work somewhat, there are less children awake immediately. Less children awake at 5:30 AM is better than 4 children awake at 5:30 AM.

Is it a routine or survival, or are they really one and the same?

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Routines can feel quite nice

The simple definition of a routine is a usual or fixed way of doing something. Routines are helpful for a number of reasons. An established routine requires little brain effort and therefore allows us free up focus for other things. We have a lot of routines throughout our day that we don’t even notice because they are so automatic. Routines are comforting--something reliable and expected feels good and can reduce anxiety. And when routines are within our control, they can provide a sense of autonomy and mastery. All good things for human-beings.

You can easily find articles about morning routines. There are the routines of “successful” people, the implication being that their morning routines have some causal link to success. You can model your routine after celebrities or influencers, who all make their own claims on how their morning routines are superior in some way. There are lists of actions to take that will supposedly make you more efficient, productive, organized, healthier or happier. And maybe some of these have worked well for you and if that is true, keep at it. However, for many of us, these morning activities may miss the mark for your needs. Needs that also happen to be nestled within a constellation of the needs of your family.

Routine problems for caregivers

For many people who are in a caregiver role, personal routines are shredded to bits and left on the side of the road. You may be caring for children, pets, aging relatives or a spouse. The constraints are constantly changing and often feel beyond our control. So many needs, so little time. Some of the recommended morning routine practices may feel nearly impossible. As writer

Ashley Fenker

identifies in her piece about the bathroom habits of mothers, When do moms poop?, even basic biological needs are no longer routine and require mental space in the context of caring for others:

“What a load (pun fully intended) to worry about soothing your crying baby while “taking care of yourself,” which in this case involves surrendering to a bodily function that is necessary to remain alive and well.”

How can one expect to plan time for personal development in the morning when you don’t know how you will manage to make it to the bathroom? Journaling, meditating, drinking lemon water, a yoga session seem out of reach. There are shifts and the intensity of needs may change, this is true. Children age and caregiving tasks change, however, it is important to acknowledge that for some families there will always be a high level of caregiving when family members have ongoing health concerns and/or differing support needs.

So, why try?

Because you are worth care. And establishing a routine that is personal to you is one way you can care for yourself. Routines do not need to be fancy and elaborate or tied to productivity. They can be simple actions that support you. It also doesn’t need to be now, if it’s too much. It’s okay to not change anything at all, sometimes that might be what you actually need.

Photo by George Pagan III on Unsplash

Here are a few questions and considerations for designing a flexible morning routine that suits your current needs.

Components of designing a routine that serves you

1. First, ask why am I doing this?

   It’s worth evaluating if changing or adding to a routine is really just a sneaky way of trying to be better. We live in a culture of optimizing and all this optimization comes at a cost. Writer

   Rosie Spinks
   , highlights the constant push for doing more, faster and better in her essay More, faster, better and provides an antidote:

   For the past month or so, my toddler has started waking up at a more humane hour, between 6:00 and 7:00 am. It’s the first time since he was born that I’ve even contemplated being able to get up before he does. Perhaps I could get in a workout or a work task done and be fully caffeinated by the time he wakes up. Perhaps I could establish some enviable and slightly unhinged morning routine, like that of the moms Instagram constantly shows me.

   But it’s January, and still very dark at that time. I am still extremely tired from the act of bringing him into the world. Before 7am, I feel like a hibernating animal who is desperate for more warmth and rest — because that’s exactly what I am. So I stay in bed until the last possible second. It’s a small daily act of defiance, and I try to enjoy it as much as I can.

   You may want to explore the why first: why now and what for?

2. What are the actual needs?

   It’s easy to read articles that tell you how you can be more productive or happier with xyz activity, but that doesn’t actually connect to your unique personal needs. Even if more happiness in your life is something you’re interested in, you will need to drill down more to defined needs. The more specific you are in terms of needs (not actions yet), the more choices you will have that are unique to you.

3. Start where you are

   Chances are (even though it doesn’t feel this way) you actually have a routine of some sort. It might be more of a jumbled Rubik’s cube, all the pieces are there but they are in different patterns each day. You probably eat, get dressed, brush your teeth and so on. Before you make any changes, spend some time with each piece. By bringing some mindful awareness to each activity you can learn more about what is working for you and if/how you may want to make changes.

4. Start small

   Maybe you have identified a something you want to integrate into your routine like writing, more mental space or needing to move your body. Start small: Start with a post-it, try 3 minutes of meditation or stretch while you make your coffee.

5. Is it just more?

   If adding something new, evaluate whether this is just adding more. For instance, drinking lemon water in the morning is not just drinking lemon water—it’s putting lemons on the shopping list and preparing the lemon water, too. If an action gives you more than consider that a value add, but if it is just more, maybe it can be left behind.

6. Flexibility

   It is helpful to bring a degree of flexibility when approaching routines. Some days there will be sickness, early appointments, out of town relatives visiting or a power outage. And there will be the bigger shifts—kids who now wake earlier or later, before school commitments, job changes and so on. Adaptations may be needed and that’s okay.

7. Self-compassion for trying something new

   And as always, practice self-compassion. If you are trying to make changes and it’s not going well, remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve it.

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More on routines: practices, rituals and meeting needs

Below are a variety of reads on the topics of meeting needs— through routines, rituals and managing energy.

This essay from

Sarah Ezrin

entitled, Mindful mornings aren't just for yogis or early risers, has some manageable tips for a more mindful morning. I especially appreciate:

“Sense check: Mornings can be blurry even after we’ve had our caffeine. While your coffee is brewing or your tea is steaming, look around and name three things you sense. It can be three things you notice with the same sense (like three things that you see) or three different senses (hearing, sight, smell).”

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Rituals are often listed as an important part of morning routines and once again sometimes adding more seems like an unhelpful approach, but I really appreciated in this post Rituals Are Grounding from

Abby Davisson

, she highlights helpful insights from The Power of Ritual: Turning Everyday Activities into Soulful Practices by Casper ter Kuile:

“Instead of imploring us to shoehorn new rituals into our already overloaded schedules, ter Kuile invites us to bring awareness to our existing habits (even “micro-moments” such putting on sunscreen in the morning) and layer on the elements to make them more meaningful.”

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This essay, How I manage my energy levels, from

Charlie Rewilding

highlights how Charlie has adapted tools as an autistic person with ADHD recovering from burnout to meet unique needs. This is a helpful read for all in how to conceptualize tailoring actions to personal needs.

“…historically I have fallen into the trap so easily of thinking that if I do x, y, and z like the nice lady on the internet tells me then my problems will be fixed and life will turn into rainbows and unicorns, so I feel it’s important to include my disclaimer. If there’s anything you glean from my writing I hope that it is that you are the captain of your own ship and whilst seeking seeds of inspiration from others is wonderful they only bloom when sown, watered, and tended to under the right conditions for you.”

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Just a little reminder: The content on Mindful Mom in the Mud posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD on the Instagram account (@mindfulmominthemud), Youtube Channel (@mindfulinthemud) and newsletter (mindfulinthemud.substack.com) or any other medium or social media platform is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal and professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Reliance on any information provided by Mindful Mom in the Mud is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.