"A key in my pocket..."
Parents who meditate share their wisdom
Set the timer, sit comfortably in an upright, alert position and meditate for at least 30 minutes. Yeah, that won’t work for me.
Meditation in parenthood can seem out of reach. How can you meditate if you have little beings around you all the time? When I wrote Parents Can’t Meditate on A Mountaintop, the response was overwhelming. Apparently it wasn’t just me who needed flexible approaches to mindfulness within the daily chaos. We cannot meditate on a mountaintop, but maybe we can meditate on that mountain of laundry? Let’s hear from some parents on this topic but first let’s answer some important questions.
The important questions
Do you have to meditate? Absolutely not.
Do you need to meditate? No.
Can you meditate? Yes.
Why do people meditate? There is some research that says meditation is a good thing. But the thing is, people tend to tune that out. It gets filed away with eat your vegetables and drink enough water. However, for the research loving folks, you can go here and here.
What does meditation change? It is important to name that meditation doesn’t solve the real life stressors we encounter daily. It should not be served as the solution to the obstacles in your path. It is however, a type of pause and pauses let us see choices more clearly.
Should you meditate? That’s up to you. I sent a query into the Substack community for ways parents support a meditation practice and I later wondered if I should have asked them their why. But really any practice should be about meeting your needs, not because Google said it was good or because your neighbor does it. So this an invitation to consider if meditation may serve you. Maybe the question is actually what do you need a pause for? And maybe it is simply for a moment of space and that alone is a mighty good reason.
My own meandering meditation practice
After being gently encouraged by my mother to meditate for years, I did not meditate. After years of citing research on mindfulness meditation to clients and their families, I did not meditate. I finally decided to try meditation when I was desperate. At the time it felt like it couldn’t make anything worse? This was after my second child was born and I was in the middle of a difficult professional chapter. I started by sitting next to an open window and listening to the birds for ten minutes. The birds were my first anchor and they were very accommodating hosts. When the weather got cooler, I started using an app. This was a good way to try on different types of meditation. A curious thing happened, I had an a-ha. I had lived a lifetime with a “busy” mind and I found the quiet in between the thoughts (just for seconds). It was like I found the volume button for a few minutes a day. It was liberating.
When I started to embrace mindfulness meditation, I would do 10 minutes in the morning and then again at end of the day. This was a very nice way to bookend the day but I got discouraged when I wasn’t able to do it. Eventually life got in the way and I stopped meditating. There were brief periods here and there but never a consistent practice.
It wasn’t until my last child that I consistently started to meditate again. I showed up more flexible this time. Now, I aim for a mostly daily, short practice. I practice in a way that fits my life; I don’t fit my life to meditation.
Let’s hear from some other parents.
Parents who meditate…really.
I hopped on a call with
of Rising and Gliding, who was so generous to share about her experiences with meditation. When Erin was navigating the stresses of being a new teacher she turned to meditation, practicing for five minutes a day in her classroom. Which proved helpful but as happens for so many of us, she stopped meditating as life went on. Once again she found meditation to be useful in navigating the overwhelm of parenting when her kids were young. In 2020, Erin suffered a catastrophic multiple sclerosis flare, that resulted in an acquired motor and cognitive disability. Eventually she landed in a rehabilitation hospital where meditation was encouraged by the treatment team. Meditation was a helpful adjunct in navigating Erin’s rehabilitation. Erin has recently returned to a meditation practice. Erin and I share the experience meditation coming and going in our lives. She so accurately described it as, “a key in your pocket, you forget that you have.” Erin, along with several other parents, shared some very helpful tips below.Finding the right words and tools for your mind and body
Guided meditations were recommended by most, especially if you are new to meditation (or exhausted because your toddler wants to chat at 3 AM). There are a lot of guided meditations available these days, both pay and free options. I use the Plum Village App (which is free). You may need to try some different options to find the right guided meditation for you. Things to consider are length of time, the voice and the types of meditation available. Erin and I discussed that many guided meditations are written for a meditator that can sit in a chair which may not be true for everyone. There are assumptions in the language most commonly used that the meditator can walk, see, hear and feel bodily sensations. This can create a barrier to meditation for those who are interested. So it is important to note that it may take time to find a guided meditation that has language that serves your mind and body best.
Wireless headphones were mentioned especially if you have small ones who you may be meditating near…yes, you can do this if it works for you. As
of Traction Design reports, if he meditates while holding the baby, the baby goes to sleep. If that’s not enticing, what is? of Nebula Notebook shared, “I do guided meditations quite a bit. I’ve done more traditional meditation practices in the past but these 5-15 minute visualizations feel more helpful for me right now. If I have time I’ll stay lying down for a few minutes in the quiet and see what bubbles up then.”It’s not always what you think
Sometimes finding that space doesn’t always look like what we think meditation “should” look like.
of Follow your gut finds that she is able to find a meditative state for a few moments while she is sketching or stitching. She reports, “I try to get really intentional for short periods of time to ground in the present and show up better for my kids (who are usually playing around).” of Innovative Life Physio and Wellness shared that, “I do a morning prayer time which I use as a time to be quiet and sit similar to meditation requirements.”Finding your time (and start small…like tiny)
Finding time, this is one of the big struggles. But here is a good option, start short (and even stay short). Finding an uninterrupted 15-20 minutes in your day may be impossible but 3 minutes? That may be more feasible.
Mandy had a wonderful tip, “Start in the morning and start with something that takes less than a couple of minutes. Tie it to a regular morning activity like brushing your teeth. Stand still after brushing your teeth and do some deep breathing. Then go about your day.”
You may have to experiment with times of day and what will fit with your life. And experiment can be some of the fun part, too.
Come and go
Meditation has come and go in my life and this was certainly true for Erin as well.
of Practically Deliberate with Abby Davisson responded to my query, “I do, and this is the first time since my kids were born (11+ years ago) that I’ve been consistent with it. I do 10 mins first thing in the morning with airpods and the insight timer app. Key for me was going on an immersive retreat to remind myself why it’s worth having a daily practice.” Something to hold onto for parents with young kids, it might take some time.What I love about the wisdom from these parents is how it’s different for everyone. It’s okay to move away from practice and eventually come back. There is no pass/fail. A compassionate stance can serve us all here. We can find that key in our pocket when we need it. And of course, meditation is just one key. There are many.
More words on meditation
Below are some more perspectives on meditation for your consideration.
Check out What if meditation felt easy? with Naomi Annand by
of What Do We Do Now That We’re Here?“Meditation is a practice I’ve been trying to re-establish in my life after the survival-mode and mental health rollercoaster of matrescence, or the process of becoming a mother. It feels like I’m emerging from a two year period where I had very little control over my inward or outward experience from day to day. And so, as I start to re-emerge, I’m eager to drop back in there: into the expanse, into myself, into the quality of interconnectivity that I know meditation offers. It feels urgent — not just for me, but for all of us.”
Explore forgetting about the future in The Meditation Paradox by
of The Babbling Brook,“I’ve meditated in pursuit of calm. I’ve meditated because I thought it would help me get my PhD thesis written. I’ve meditated in hopes of nourishing my creativity and quelling my health anxiety and curbing my screen addiction. I’ve meditated because I wanted to become more aware of the world around me and because I wanted to reach the blissful state I’ve heard is possible if you do it for long enough. But I don’t think I’ve ever meditated just to meditate, for no reason at all and with no purpose whatsoever except to improve the moment I’m in right now.”
As always—Just a little reminder: The content on Mindful Mom in the Mud posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD on the Instagram account (@mindfulmominthemud), Youtube Channel (@mindfulinthemud) and newsletter (mindfulinthemud.substack.com) or any other medium or social media platform is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal and professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Reliance on any information provided by Mindful Mom in the Mud is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.
What about you, do you meditate?
Leave a comment and give your tips.
This was lovely to read and I found it so interesting how everyone has different practices for meditation. My whole life, I've been told I need to meditate--which resulted in me NEVER wanting to meditate. 😅
As I was reading this, I started to wonder if I had ever meditated and I realized that maybe I have. When I do my workouts, I really focus on my breath and for those 20-30 minutes everything is muted. When I play tennis, I'm grounded physically and mentally in the game. So I guess, if we look at meditation as pauses, maybe I do do it once in a while!
I'm not good at sitting still, but I am steadfast in my commitment to walking in nature.