More than Survive or Thrive
Expanding from the false dilemmas of parenting
Am I surviving or thriving this year month week day hour minute?
How does one measure the great experiment of parenting?
The right way/the wrong way
Good parenting/bad parenting
Thrive/survive
Calm/chaos
Success/fail
Who has not said, “what a parenting fail?” These phrases are a cultural shorthand for parents and invite humor, connection and attempt to explain this parenting adventure when the words escape us. Laughter and connection are crucial for this lifelong experiment. However, these aren’t honest metrics of parenting and yet they have seeped into the psyche of so many parents as legitimate yardsticks, myself included.
Tunnel vision
I was a psychologist before I was a parent. I was pretty confident that my academic training would provide a helpful guiding light in parenting. And certainly it helped in some ways, but there was a discrepancy between real life and “best practices” touted in a clinic room. These practices looked different in the light of day (or dark of dawn) when sleep deprived, waking a child early to go to daycare, trying to get their shoes on, all so you can get to work. Sometimes it was comforting to think, “it’s okay, we are just in a surviving phase right now” but a nagging question followed—when do we get to thrive?
In time, the survive or thrive see-saw started to feel increasingly unbalanced, more in survival mode than whatever thriving was. It felt like we weren’t doing enough. There were all these things we were supposed to be doing—skills to be taught, character strengths to be fostered, important foundational conversations to be had. Where was the time for all of that? The margins got narrower and the stakes felt high. It all got smaller before it got bigger.
The search intensified for the “right” way to parent. It had to be out there. That particular type of search was full absolutes and false dilemmas. If it’s not this, than it’s that by default. The trap of the false dilemma made something that is already incredibly hard, so much harder. Two absolute choices, when in fact there may be many in between. So many more—and I don’t mean an endless amount of search results for non-toxic baby bottles on Amazon that triggers decision fatigue. This is about expanding our views of how to raise kids.
Take a deep breath…and blow up a balloon
This image popped up in my brain at 2:30 in the morning as I got a drink of water for my toddler. So, you know it’s brilliant, because 2:30 AM is prime thinking time.
The deflated balloon or “the false dilemma balloon” is just point A to B or success/fail. It’s limited. The inflated balloon, expands with so many directions. Not to forget how the inflated balloon can also be used for innumerable joyful activities like “keepy-uppy”, although only joyful until the pop, but let’s not get lost in the balloons.
A much bigger life
I am not sure that there really was a big turning point where it all changed. The reality is that these bogus metrics started have less hold over time. It started with more awareness. Noticing these stories showing up and questioning—who was the judge here? Some mythical all-knowing parenting supreme authority didn’t exist. Then there was looking out and noticing how outside forces were showing up inside. Outside expectations from culture, limits of systems and other influences were creating parameters that weren’t in my or my children’s best interest. These measuring sticks started to wobble.
When my children were identified as neurodivergent, it would have been real easy to get narrow again. Labels can be restricting, however, eventually it gave us much more space. It gave us a language to investigate identity and neurodivergent culture. It gave us insight into mysteries that were difficult to solve and the knowledge that they didn’t actually need to be “solved". And we started to challenge a lot things that had felt important but actually weren’t. Some of the things that felt so written in stone, started to crumble easily, to reveal that they were illusions of control all along. The more we let go, the more possibility there was. This is not to say that any of this is easy or stress-free but there is more space in the margins. The right way/wrong way dilemma still finds its way in all of the time. But I put it down much quicker so I can get back serving chicken nuggets and dealing with Lego avalanches.
Wonder
On a wall in my kitchen there is a framed Thich Nhat Hanh calligraphy from Plum Village:
This moment is full of wonders.
Wonder: a feeling of surprise mingled with admiration, caused by something beautiful, unexpected, unfamiliar, or inexplicable.
Wonders aren’t all about beauty. How much of parenthood is unexpected, unfamiliar and inexplicable? It’s easy to throw wonder into that positive things bucket but there is wonder available in pain and challenges too. It is a wonder how something can be both so hard and so amazing. It is a wonder how you can be so tired and get through the day. It is a wonder how much love you can have for someone who is by far the worst roommate of all time. Most days it’s about dancing in the shadows, it’s not all light or dark.
Apple pie, bouncy balls, ice cream cones and lullabies mingled with uncertain choices, tears and days when the light feels far away. It is inexplicable. Words cannot do this justice, the highest highs and the lowest lows. It is truly a wonder.
It’s not as simple as right and wrong parenting. Except giving the toddler a sharpie, always wrong. Don’t do that.
Some articles below about breaking out of the false parenting dilemmas like there only being one way to parent, perfect parenting, all or nothing parenting and so many others. Instead let’s delight in the sharing of these different paths.
This article from
of Momspreading, is from a while back but it has Reese’s peanut butter cups and embraces the beauty of knowing there are different ways to parent, so that is a delicious pairing, check out Parents and Peanut Butter Cups.The Substack In Pursuit of Clean Countertops by
, is all about breaking out of the myth of perfect motherhood. In this interview with Farideh you get the beauty of imperfect paired with song and comedy.I think many of us can connect with how digital influences impact our parenting experience, in Falling into the trap of digital motherhood by
writes:“caught up in the perfectionism of someone else’s parenthood that is portrayed through a screen, that I forgot about the magic held within my own motherhood journey.”
In Life with Two, by
of Techno Sapiens, embraces the wisdom of “two opposite things can both be true at once”.Substack is a treasure trove of writing about parenting as you can see. The above reading recommendations are overwhelmingly motherhood-heavy and I would love to include some other perspectives on this topic. Feel free to share other writers, articles or perspectives in the comments.
Just a little reminder: The content on Mindful Mom in the Mud posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD on the Instagram account (@mindfulmominthemud), Youtube Channel (@mindfulinthemud) and newsletter (mindfulinthemud.substack.com) or any other medium or social media platform is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal and professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Reliance on any information provided by Mindful Mom in the Mud is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.
This post is absolute poetry. It took my breath away at the honesty of parenting, how the false dichotomy stifles us and our families, but also at how awe-inspiring this whole journey is. Thank you so much for sharing such beautiful words of wisdom.
Loved this post and all the great articles you referenced at the end!