Navigating the Overwhelm of Parenting Information

3 Helpful Reframes for Parents Approaching an Abundance of Advice

It’s January. Time for goals according to the world. So, why would it be any different here? One of the goals of this newsletter is to empower parents to make choices for their families that are suited to their unique needs. Some ways to do this are providing evidence-based guidance, highlight quality resources of information and question concerning guidance. Additionally, equipping parents with process-oriented tools for fielding advice and choosing how to proceed with their family in mind. As I previously posted in When Does Parenting Advice Feel Good?, the process of how we receive and integrate advice itches my brain as much as the content of the advice does.

It is not enough to identify the best answers and send people on their way, because there are a lot of best answers. There are many ways to raise children and what works for one family, won’t work for another. This is not a problem. It’s actually extraordinary. Think about how marvelous it is that we don’t all need to be the same. Even with universal needs such as connection, the expressions are innumerable. I see this within my little family ecosystem, each child is unique and requires different things. Same parents, same house but so different. The fact that there is not one magic formula for perfect parents (or perfect kids) is freeing and should be celebrated. So please take a pause and celebrate.

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And yet, I am aware it still doesn’t address how to navigate the woes of parenthood and there are a lot of them. The pressure to pick the “right” choice, claim a parenting style/label or prevent every possible less desired outcome has become a woe all in itself. This pressure can distract us from actually determining what we (and our children) actually need? In my view, equipping parents with navigation skills is just as important as the answers.

Navigating overwhelm

Let’s imagine you are encountering a difficulty with your child. Maybe it’s challenges with bedtime, whining or lying—pick your poison. You sit down to consult the wisdom of the internet. You find there is a lot out there regarding your query…like a lot. At first, it feels like a relief to see that there is information but then it quickly becomes overwhelming. What’s the best approach? What if this “problem” continues? Will it impact your child in the long run? The ideas on how to solve this “problem” are mixed and sometimes contradictory. This is all feeling now very high stakes.

Sometimes you may not even be seeking specific advice but you get the message that certain things are big problems and you will need very specific expertise to pass this parenting quest. Take this scenario—your instagram feed is full of words like prevent, conquer, eliminate, manage, avoid, survive, vanquish, battle…tantrums. The messages you encounter raise the stakes again and now you are ready for war with a toddler??? This leads you once again searching the deep online well of advice.

In theory, advice is supposed to be helpful, however if you are already in a state of panic when you encounter the advice, how can you make choices? Or even remember that there are choices. So before you dive in, may I give you some advice?

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My advice…mindfulness and cognitive reframing

Pairing mindfulness awareness and cognitive reframing together can be very useful skills as you search the Wild West of parenting wisdom. First, bring awareness to all the thoughts and feelings that are stirred up, leaving judgement aside for a minute. Hello thoughts, hello feelings. We care a lot about our kids and so a lot can show up. It might be busy but that’s okay. Whatever is there-anxiety, anger, sadness or a lot of mixed up feelings are all okay. When you pause and give it all some space to be there, then can get ready to do some of sifting that’s needed.

Cognitive reframing is a psychological technique that can help by taking a different perspective on an experience, event, idea and/or emotions. This is not about changing thoughts or ignoring reality, but more about shifting your view over just a little. This shift expands the situation and therefore your choices. Here are 3 helpful reframes for approaching advice.

This is supposed to happen…

If there is a lot of information about a particular child behavior such as whining, lying, tantrums or narrow food preferences, it’s because it’s incredibly common and usually developmentally appropriate. There is not something horribly wrong. Take a step back for a moment to see the forest through the trees, this is is a part of the developmental big picture. Remember that is likely common and a lot of people deal with this, you are not alone. This may still be something to address for your family but it is very important to remember you and your kid(s) aren’t doing anything wrong.

Reframe: This is a common, typical experience. There is nothing wrong with me or my kid(s).

But what about when it’s not common?

I realize that for some, when they embark on their search for information, they find that there is not information for their concern. Sometimes this signals there is not a lot of research or knowledge on this topic yet, which may indeed mean that it is unique. This can trigger worry, frustration and feelings of isolation. Try taking it as a data point.

Reframe: This is data, we may need to search out more specific help. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong.

Or maybe you do find information and it is scary. You see words like red flags or contact your doctor if. This is anxiety-provoking at the very least and certainly feels at odds with the above reframes. And even so, it is still important to know that right versus wrong is not a useful characterization of this situation. It’s a signal letting you know there is a next step to get more information.

Reframe: This is a signal. We need more information and we need help to do so.

This is not my context…

We all have a context which can include a lot. Our genetics, personal history, community, family composition and more all contribute to our context. Our context greatly influences how applicable and feasible advice will be for our family. However, most advice is out of context (at least our personal context). For instance, I have 4 kids and some of the parenting content out there feels great in theory but I don’t feel like I am even playing the same game that they are describing. This is not meant to be a humble brag about how tough I am, it’s purely about numbers. If I read something about how to manage a conflict between two siblings, I immediately think what about the other two? I have to do some mental gymnastics to tailor the advice to my context. Advice not fitting your context is not your fault.

Reframe: This is out of our context. This advice not fitting is not a problem with me (or us).

Now you have some choices. You can weigh whether it seems worth it to tinker with it or move on.

Reframe: This is interesting. I wonder what this could look like in my context…

or

Reframe: This may be helpful for another family. It’s not a fit for us and I am going to move on.

Best-case scenario…

Most advice you read is always in the form of best-case scenario. Often this is simply for ease of delivery. It would be confusing and inefficient to go through every possible permutation of what can happen. However, the polished vignette, summary of a technique or simple script may lead the reader to feel it should be easy and straightforward. When it doesn’t go that way, it feels like a failure.

Reframe: Remember, this is best-case scenario advice. This is not me doing something wrong.

Remembering this is best-case scenario means there will be a whole range of scenarios not included. Whatever happened for you is data. It may indicate that this wasn't the right fit or maybe it’s too early to tell. Maybe it feels like it was the worst-case but that’s data too. It is data about the fit of the advice for your family—not you or your kid.

No one way

I know I said this already but it’s worth visiting again. Despite how it’s presented, there is no one way to raise a child. And I for one think that is awesome and I will continue to enjoy watching all the ways we do this crazy thing called parenting.

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