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Using the lens of influence to navigate parenting trends
Does anyone remember the trend of hair gems? I was recently watching an episode of Friends, where Phoebe (Lisa Kudrow) is bejeweled with those sticky little hair gems. It took me down a nostalgic path of hair trends. It can be fun (or cringeworthy) to reflect on the trends of the past. I am less focused on trends that I can purchase with my allowance at the mall now, but trends still have a presence in my life.
Trends shift and change in the world parenting all the time. They range from small things like goodie bags to bigger topics, like parenting philosophies. Trends have a multitude of sources like new knowledge, cultural shifts, social and economic forces, politics and environmental factors. They come, go and transform into new trends. And they become the invisible backdrop to our day.
Gender reveal parties, star-shaped vegetables and popular baby names. You may find some trends to be cute, funny or annoying. And there are trends that are harmful, like TikTok challenges that put teens at risk, extreme diets or trends based on dangerous misinformation. In our modern world, our level of online connectedness is like a high-powered fan, blowing trends out to the masses with rapid speed. Understanding the many layers of influence around us is a helpful step in informing the choices we make for our families, especially in a landscape full of trends that may not serve us well.
Influence is all around
’s book Raising Hell, Living Well: Freedom from Influence in a World Where Everyone Wants Something from You brings the reader tools to see the world through the lens of influence. Elefante’s book is part memoir about her past role in influencing others for a living as a brand strategist (a self-proclaimed BS artist, now reformed) and part practical guidance on how to recognize the many levels of influence in our lives. Influence is a powerful presence and it shows up all over our parenting choices. Elefante identifies three buckets or categories, that can be a helpful way to view the different influential forces in your life.
The inner world: things like your beliefs, biology or birth order. These may or may not be malleable.
The surface world: what’s around you, like family, friends, neighbors and your community.
The outer world: the much larger entities that surround us, like government, politics and the environment.
What I appreciated about Elefante’s book is how she highlights the presence of influence on many levels and it’s not always a clear negative or positive. And these different groupings interact with each other. We are influenced but we also influence. There is nuance here and I am a big fan of nuance. Active awareness of the layers of influence can support individuals in making informed, intentional choices that align with their values even when it’s messy. And let’s be real, it’s usually messy.
Elefante was recently on the Rethinking Wellness, a podcast “for critical thinking and compassionate skepticism about wellness and diet culture, and reflections on how to find true well-being,” hosted by writer
. During the interview Elefante summarizes her intention for readers:“I'm not telling them to live a better life. I'm not telling them what a better life even looks like, but it gives them a skill that they can choose to use however they want.”
Trending: Problems for Parents
During the podcast interview, Elefante and Harrison discuss the origin of trends in the wellness space but Elefante’s knowledge applies to all trendy spheres. Elefante highlights how trends are often engineered out of the people’s view:
“Yeah. I mean, I say at one point that I had learned in marketing 101 was to provide a solution to a problem, but that at an ad agency, I learned that that problem could be completely made up.”
A scroll on instagram can give you a whole bunch of things you never knew were problems (because they actually aren’t). And yes, you can choose not to engage in a trend but they tend to find their way into your daily life quietly. They shape someone’s behavior and one person’s behavior shapes another and so on. And eventually you are standing around the playground and talking with other parents and now you are feeling concerned about something that hadn’t really been on your radar.
In January in a post on Navigating the Overwhelm of Parenting Information, I wrote:
“If there is a lot of information about a particular child behavior such as whining, lying, tantrums or narrow food preferences, it’s because it’s incredibly common and usually developmentally appropriate. There is not something horribly wrong. Take a step back for a moment to see the forest through the trees, this is is a part of the developmental big picture. Remember that is likely common and a lot of people deal with this, you are not alone. This may still be something to address for your family but it is very important to remember you and your kid(s) aren’t doing anything wrong.”
When there is a flurry of information about one topic (and a set of solutions to accompany it), it can feel like there must be something new going on.
of ParentData, recently posted a reel on Instagram about parenting trends comparing them with Cabbage Patch Kid dolls. Oster discusses how the dolls (of which I had two) rose to popularity—the more kids that had them, the more they were wanted. But ultimately they were still just a type of doll. Oster goes on to highlight that many parenting trends become popular not based on any new pivotal findings but simply from the snowball effect of increasing exposure to the idea.
More and more and more…
Trends rarely tell us to stay the same. By nature trends are about change and they tend to favor more. More intensive parenting behaviors, more things to buy, more things to worry about and more to do. Elefante encourages her readers to ask themselves “who might benefit from this?” With some trends this is easy to identify but others may be less clear.
A quick google search can provide a plethora of trends to which you can pose this question. From an article on 2024 parenting trends on Today.com:
“Pinterest predicts that in 2024, parents will focus on celebrating inchstones, which they describe as "tiny triumphs (that) will make the heart grow fonder as parents sprinkle party vibes on their kids’ not-so-grand moments." It lists upticks in searches for "My first tooth party" and "baby naming ceremonies" and "end of year school party ideas" as evidence of this trend.”
On the surface, it may seem great to appreciate and enjoy the little moments. However, the source is Pinterest. This trend supports more visual aspirational content to encourage spending money outside of typical celebratory events. It also tugs on the guilt strings of many parents who are sold the idea that magical moments are crucial for a balanced childhood. If it brings you joy, go ahead but you can also choose not to.
On whattoexpect.com’s 6 Parenting Trends you will see in 2024:
“Parents are revolting against the once-popular gentle parenting style
Influencers who promote gentle parenting techniques saw a meteoric rise in popularity in 2020. Gentle parenting encourages parents to acknowledge the complexity of their children's feelings and respond in an emotionally intelligent way. But now more parents are saying that the approach disregards parents' own emotions.
Today, social media is flooded with caregivers who are calling out gentle parenting for being unrealistic — or worse.”
There has been a lot of discourse on gentle parenting lately. Independent of where you fall on this style of parenting, one can recognize that engagement on this topic creates its own snowball effect. And the discussion brings traffic to gentle parenting content as well as the counter content. There is definitely more to explore regarding the role of labels about parenting styles and influence, but that is for another day.
Don’t forget to check in, too
It’s is helpful to consider the origins of a trend and who it may benefit but it is also helpful to check in on the inside, too. Take a moment to recognize what might be pulling you towards (or away) from something. There are your inner influences at play too. This is where Elefante’s categories can be a helpful adjunct in your thought process.
What’s the harm in being trendy?
This is not to shame anyone for how they want to spend their time and money. It’s not only about being a conscious consumer and it is certainly not about becoming a conspiracy theorist. There is absolutely a place for discourse on parenting topics and it is helpful to know that there are choices in how you manage baby sleep, potty training and the myriad of other parenting choices you will make. You don’t need to go off the grid and trust no one. It’s about practicing awareness and showing up curious. Awareness and curiosity can help you pause before you do…more. Because you can do too much and that comes at a cost.
There are repercussions to the constant chase to keep up with trends. It’s exhausting. And the lines start to get blurry between what is necessary and what is optional (very, very optional). We start to equate trends as being related to being a good parent. Considering that many trends may be inaccessible to many families due to differing needs and constraints, this false and ever-changing idea of the “good parent” is an actual problem.
In November,
wrote in This is Why I Write this Newsletter:“In a recent study, researchers conducted in-depth interviews with mothers who were suffering from parental burnout and concluded that “the fear of not being a good enough mother is central to the experience.”
With social media, it becomes a vicious cycle: Parents who worry they suck at parenting seek out advice on social media so they can do better, but this advice only fans the flames, making them feel even worse.”
And Moyer shared in her newsletter last week a study entitled “The Price Mothers Pay, Even When They Are Not Buying It: Mental Health Consequences of Idealized Motherhood.” Moyer describes the study as suggesting that “intensive parenting harms mothers even when they don’t believe in it.” The researchers in the study found that even for mothers who didn’t engage in intensive parenting still felt the pressure and subsequent guilt related to not doing it.
Yes, some trends are benign. Cutting vegetables into shapes or hosting a first tooth party are not directly harmful but what about the long term toll on parents? There are real financial, psychological and the emotional consequences on parents when expectations exceed capacity.
writes in The Cost of Being a Good Parent, identifies what social media advertising tries to tell us about our parenting:“The belief that I wasn’t engaging enough or the right way and that what my child was playing with was not the right toy. These feelings didn’t come from anything intuitive within me, they came instead from what I was being marketed. I used social media therefore I was open to the constant advertising that kept showing me what I lacked.”
I’ve talked about wobbly metrics before and they just don’t hold up but that doesn’t mean they don’t have an impact on well-being. Recognizing when these messages are showing up is how we can separate what does and doesn’t matter. And how we find the choices that are best suited to our family’s needs.
Putting trends in a different context
What if we treated parenting trends similar to other trends, like shopping for a new outfit:
Do I like this?
What do I know about this brand? What is the quality of the product?
Does it fit me and my needs?
Does it work in my life?
Can I afford it?
Why do I want this?
Yes, parenting is more complex than purchasing an outfit. But putting trends in a different place like a clothing rack reminds us that we have a choice in whether to pick it up or not.
Informed and Intentional
One of the goals of this newsletter is to support parents in making informed parenting choices. Informed is not only knowing the research/data, but informed on many different levels including influences, knowledge about yourself, your children and the larger context of this world.
If we were to think of this parenting thing like an epic hike. We would make our way by pivoting between different viewpoints. A big folding map would allow us to zoom out, to see the path as a part of a much larger piece of land and all of the varied terrain. Looking at the path in front of us helps to navigate our specific trek. And looking more closely helps us see the fallen trees, path markers and puddles. If we don’t take in these multiple perspectives we may just find ourselves in places we don’t want to be. More and more of the parenting conversation is centered only on the steps. We need a lot more different viewpoints.
There is a lot to talk about when it comes to the world of parenting advice. Let’s talk about it.
Parenting trends that puzzle you? Influences that you notice showing up in your life? What is helping you navigate the world of parenting advice?
Just a little reminder: The content on Mindful Mom in the Mud posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD on the Instagram account (@mindfulmominthemud), Youtube Channel (@mindfulinthemud) and newsletter (mindfulinthemud.substack.com) or any other medium or social media platform is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal and professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Reliance on any information provided by Mindful Mom in the Mud is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.
Great, thoughtful article Kathryn. One of the reasons I deleted social media from my phone is because of the targeted ads and reels aimed at me, particularly as a mother. They aim to hook me, transition me into a buyer/consumer, and ultimately take me away from what truly matters in my time.
Loved this. So over all the noise out there. And I love how you highlight that so many are just trends. Things that come and go. We shouldn’t be outsourcing the way we parent to the current trend!
Also, all those mini celebrations just make me feel so gross. It all just revolves around spending money and showing people you’ve spend money. Most of these little celebrations are not actually for the children, they are for content