Now Trending: Parenting Identities
Do modern parenting identities connect or isolate?
Welcome to another installment of Now Trending in Parenting, where we explore trends in the parent-scape.
You can find previous trending posts by clicking here.
Today we are zooming out. We are leaving the weeds behind and instead inquiring about how the dynamics of shared social identity impact our parenthood.
Also, you may notice something new up above. This post includes an audio version of this article read by me.
Are you a soccer mom? A conscious parent? Or maybe a tiger mom? How do you identify within your parenthood?
Some choices in life feel small—like, tortilla or potato chips? Other choices feel a little more important and connected to identity like where you live, how you vote or how you raise your children. Identity can bring us towards others or away. Or is it the other way around— do others bring us closer to an identity? Well, it’s actually a little bit of both.
Choices or identity
Parenthood is full of choices even before the tiny human is in your arms. And these choices are never just breastfeeding versus bottle or disposable versus cloth diapers. They come with a whole lot of identity, too. They signal the “type” of parent you are.
Pre-existing identities and the groups you belong to may inform some of these choices. Norms will shape your choices dependent on how much you identify with the group. You may also find yourself catapulted into other groups and identities. Differing needs emerge that you may have not seen coming before parenthood and that may direct you to new groups and different norms.
Identity and labels are very interconnected. And there are whole lot of labels out there related to parents. For our purposes today the focus is on self-declared or self-identified labels associated with parenthood. There are other labels that are designed to judge, other and discredit parents, a worthy topic but for a different day. Some of these identities/labels are freely chosen and some may come from what life deals us. There are constraints we might not have control over like maybe you want to be a stay-at-home parent but have to work. Chances are you still identify as a working parent, even if it doesn’t feel freely chosen. And different identities may be connected. For instance, your religion or ethnic background may be further extend into your parenting identity.
What kind of parent are you?
We have always had parenting labels in different forms, but the sheer variety and public declaration in the context of hashtags and information abundance is a trend. We are increasingly publicly identifying our family pastimes, parenting approaches and other family identities. We are sending out signals to tell others what we are about.
Parenting labels come with their own cultures and sub-cultures. It really is a cornucopia for an anthropologist. Just imagine what it would be like to raise your family in the jungle off the grid with no connection to internet and then move to suburbia. You would then be tasked with navigating the parenting eco-system. It’s an idea for the screen, isn’t it? Does anyone know if Tina Fey is looking for new projects?
Identities are not just about the individual, they play a role in connecting to others who are similar. Shared identity is an important part of being a human. This is how we get together and get stuff done. Groups and social identity facilitate belonging, distinctiveness, status and cooperation.
Principles of Identity
In The Power of Us: Harnessing our shared identities for personal and collective success, authors,
, discuss the principles of shared identity:The groups people belong to are often fundamental to their sense of self and understanding of the who they are.
People want to find collective solidarity with others and generate, even if only temporarily, a sense of identity based on common experiences and shared characteristics.
When a particular social identity is salient and active, it can affect people’s goals, emotions and behaviors.
Most people are likely to conform to norms associated with an active identity and try to act in ways that they believe will advance the group’s interests even making personal sacrifices if necessary.
Active in the PTA
Different identities will be more salient dependent on the context. For example, you may be a parent, a lawyer, a knitter and a jet ski enthusiast. At your kid’s school PTA meeting your identity as parent and member of the school community would likely be most active. It is what is most relevant to the group being successful in that moment. It doesn’t mean other parts are gone but your penchant for jet ski talk may not serve the goals of that group. An important role of groups is to coordinate behavior, like fundraising for the new school gym. And conformity plays a role in that. A lot of what we think, do and feel is impacted by what we think others are doing.
Identities also exist on a spectrum of how closely someone identifies with them. Your kids may play soccer but you don’t identify as a “soccer mom” or you have read a book on mindful parenting but you don’t identify as a mindful parent. And that will impact how influenced you are by the group norms.
Where we show up in our parent identities
Okay, so now that we oriented a little bit to how groups and social identities are connected, let’s return to our modern parent-scape. What exactly do these groups with shared identities look like in the context of parenting?
Online or in real life group memberships
Facebook communities centered around shared identities, ranging from shared geography to parenting approaches
Community/school organizations like soccer or cub scouts
Consumption of media in regards to specific parenting approaches i.e. books, courses, social media content
Identity signaling like sharing certain content online, declaring identities in bios or other signals like sporting certain merchandise
Making our own village
What role do these identities play for parents? These shared identities serve many different purposes within the context of parenting. There is no question that for many parents “the village” was never there and friendship has even felt elusive. As
captures in The Friendship Dip:“And I think it’s important to emphasize that right now, the way our society is organized, we have a prolonged stretch of adulthood that is not conducive to forging or sustaining friendship or community. In many cases, I’d say it’s actually hostile to it.”
These groups of shared identities may provide important roles of connection and guidance.
Online communities oriented around shared parenting experiences or specific parenting approaches allow for parents to find others who share similar perspectives
Groups offer opportunities for shared wisdom in the context of information overload. A group allows for boundaries on information aligned with their goals
Common goals like supporting your child’s school or soccer team can create a stronger sense of community, purpose and contribution.
Opportunity for friendship
Collective activism
So is there any harm?
Belonging and connection are good things. Seeking practices and identities that serve you and your family are good things. However, there is an opportunity to notice how identity and group dynamics inform our understanding of others, especially others outside of our in-group. Parents feel pretty strongly about parenting. That makes sense! However, it also creates a lot of emotion. We are at of risk of an us versus them mentality. There is a lot of time and energy being spent on proving who is right. In our efforts to define our parenthood have we become distracted from our larger shared identities as parents?
Jay Van Bavel and Dominic Packer describe how identity shapes what we “see”:
“When you adopt an identity, it as if you put on a pair of glasses that filter your view of the world. Identity helps you grapple with the vast amount of information continually bombarding your senses. It tells you what is important, where to look, when to listen, and perhaps even what to taste.
Once you join a group, you insight into what “we” (the members of the group) consider important and, therefore, what we can safely ignore.
The authors go on to highlight how this attention orienting works well for the most part. However, we can imagine how this can also lead us to inaccurate perceptions.
Judgement, assumptions and misattributions
There has been an increase in content criticizing a certain parenting label. This label rhymes with lentil. In some of these articles, observations of “poor behavior” from children are attributed to this particular parenting practice. These observations range from tantrum behaviors to “rude” interactions in public places. This form of anecdotal data is used as proof that the kid’s behavior is “out of control”. Certainly in some of these moments there may be a declaration directly from a caregiver about a parenting practice but I can’t imagine this is always the case. Assumptions are made and causation is implied. As a psychologist and a member of a neurodiverse family I read these descriptions of behavior and question: is this child neurodivergent? Is their parent overwhelmed? Are they under additional stressors? Is it just a bad day?
How quickly we jump to conclusion from a moment in time. Even if a parent’s approach is impacting their child’s behavior, I am confident that we cannot fully understand all the complexity of that human being, their family system and their community in a single moment. The reasons why someone may select a parenting identity/approach may have many factors that we just don’t know.
We humans happen to struggle to truly listen to others that have different perspectives from us.
writes in How to Understand Someone You Disagree WithFor one thing, engaging in dialogue with people who oppose us requires overcoming the human tendency to dismiss views we don’t agree with or people who see things differently. People’s minds wander more while they are absorbing content they disagree with compared to content they agree with and countless studies reveal that we are more likely to seek out and remember evidence that confirms our beliefs, to be less receptive to opposing views, and to derogate people who oppose us.
Some topics in parenting may not create division but there are certainly plenty that do. When that happens we struggle to hear each other. And some of that is related to the echo chambers we can find ourselves in.
The snow globe echo chamber
In
’s book Raising Hell and Living Well: Freedom from Influence in a World Where Everyone Wants Something from You (Including Me), she writes,“Yes, people are all special, unique and one-of-a-kind snowflakes…kind of. But instead of being treated that way, we are all effectively being reduced to easy-to-label categories. And if you are easy to label, you’re easy to influence.”
Within a digital landscape the labels connected to our identities can very easily create echo-chambers. The algorithm alchemy of social media is simple. The more you seek content on a certain parenting approach or topic, the more you get and the more “engaging” it will be. More engaging tends to be more black and white or binary.
Jay Van Bavel and Dominic Packer describe research on how we filter information in our digital environment. Words that have moral-emotional connotation are more likely to be noticed and then spread among followers (i.e. shared). The research was conducted in the context of political partisanship. The words that carried the most weight were attack, bad, blame, care, destroy, fight, hate, kill, murder, peace, safe, shame, terrorism, war and wrong. Putting words like kill, murder and terrorism aside, I have witnessed many of these words in parenting content. Creators of parenting content are not necessarily consciously picking divisive language to stoke the fire. However, it speaks to how social media shapes communication. This type of communication stirs people up about their beliefs whether it’s politics or parenting. We run the risk of being stuck in an echo chamber where all we hear and see are perspectives like ours.
It’s like our families exist in our own little snow globes. These labels stir up a specific type of “snow” making it hard to recognize all the different globes around us.
Not a part of the crowd
And it is possible that some may read this and think none of these groups exist for me. When there is an in-group, there is also an out-group. Some of these identities are inaccessible to others due to factors like racism, prejudice, ableism or economic inequality. This is another risk of echo chambers. They can obscure the ability to witness the experience of others. We don’t see the obstacles and barriers. It’s not simply choices made, for many choice may not even be a consideration.
And why does this all matter?
The shared identities we have taken on (either willingly or by default) in parenthood are not bad. There are real reasons we seek to connect with others in this way. Identity has many parts that come together to be us, which is just so delightfully human. Shared social identities are not a problem but they do present dynamics to be aware of. Why? Because we need each other, more than ever. I could list the things we already know about our world today but I am tired. Are you? I think we all know we need each other but maybe we just don’t know how to do it.
Some ideas on how we can practice awareness of shared identities and connect with others:
Re-connect with the larger identity of parenthood or being human
Try curiosity when you notice judgement or jumping to conclusions
Connect over other shared identities
Listen (see below for a great article on this)
Try to give others the benefit of the doubt
So much of the discourse on parenting is centered on the “doing” within families. Making sure we are doing the “right” things and focusing on producing humans for the future. But what about now? We are connected, our threads may feel loose at times but they are there, we just have to choose to see them.
“Robert Thurman, who is a professor of Buddhist studies at Columbia University (and yes, the actress Uma Thurman’s dad), tells a story about what living compassionately might look like. “Imagine you’re on the New York City subway,” he says, “and these extraterrestrials come and zap the subway cars so that all of you in it are going to be together…forever.” How do we respond? Suddenly through no choice of our own, these are our own people. We may not like them. We may not approve of them. In fact, we may dislike them. But if we’re going to be together, we need to find a way to get along. If someone is hungry, we feed them. If someone is having a panic attack, we help them. Whether we like it or not, our lives are connected.”
Susan M. Pollak, EdD
Self-Compassion for Parents: Nurture Your Child by Caring for Yourself
How to listen
Listening to each other seems so simple but it’s so hard. Why Listening is a Superpower from
of Relational Riffs compassionately captures the difficulty and how we can find ways to listen to each other:“Take any ingroup and ask what they think of its own members relative to members of an outgroup, and you’ll find positivity for outgroup folks to be less. We struggle to hold positive intentions for people, particularly when we are in conflict or when we don’t identify them as being “like” us. Our default tendency to drop into ingroup/outgroup thinking: regardless of what specific group we are a part of, we are all a part of the same human race. We all share the planet we live on. And though our morals may differ, most of us tend to have some overlap in the things that we care about (you know, like wanting to be listened to).”
What has been your experience of shared parenting identities? Leave a comment.
What an amazing article, Kathryn! I think I've read it a few times to figure out exactly how I feel about labels and what I would consider to be my identities. I definitely see the wisdom of categorizing ourselves to make life a little bit easier to find folks who are aligned to our values. But living in the world we live today, I feel we're leaning on labels too much. If you say you're this, there's absolutely no room for the gray... it's just black and white. I really struggle with that because then you start to lose sight of empathy. It's one of the reasons I loved this article of yours so much. It's so full of understanding and graciousness. I wish we had more of that. I'm sorry this turned into a ramble but this stirred up so much thought and unfortunately it hasn't cohered yet.