Playful Problems: Part 2

More Ways to Support Play for Your Unique Family

This is the second installment of a two-part series on how modern advice can make play into a perfectionism trap for families. Ideas on how to navigate some of the challenges of play in the context of unique families. You can find Part 1 here.

It’s Saturday morning and two of my kids are playing independently. The play dyad moves from room to room; they collect toys and belongings here and there. They leave one thing and pick up another. The stories evolve as the morning moves along. First it’s stuffy school, then there is big stuffy birthday party planned for tonight. Decorations and invitations are required. Craft materials will do the trick. The party will take place in the basement, while the school is still upstairs in a bedroom. The neighbor’s dog is seen outside. Boots on and out they go to greet their canine friends. Once outside they decide to pick up an adventure game in their tree fort. And this is how some mornings unfold in our house. Beautiful, unstructured play expanding and transforming throughout the morning. They are also tearing my house apart. It feels like a cost-benefit analysis. They are occupied, being creative and it’s the more culturally sanctioned i.e. they are not on screens. The cost is the order in my home. Over the years, we have learned to that to interrupt this play with demands of clean up would only deflate the whole experience. They do not contain their play to a playroom, a bin of toys or one type of activity. No, it’s all on the table all at once and with that there is mess, lack of order and lack of containment.

When they were younger this felt like a conflict. I wanted them to play, but I also wanted them to learn to clean up and be respectful of the spaces. Let’s be real, I didn’t want my house torn apart. I worked to make an inviting playroom, with a variety of toys to support imaginary play, building and creativity. There were different areas to contain the crafting/art, costume play and tidy toy bins with kid-friendly visual labels. A family member came downstairs after a new iteration of the play space and said “you are ready to open a preschool here”. It looked great, it felt like it ticked the boxes. Play did happen there but it never quite fell into an orderly flow. It also didn’t stay there.

When I searched my phone for some early versions of our play room, I couldn’t find any because all the play pictures were mainly in all the other spaces. Cleaning up was painful. Teaching kids to clean up is hard for many families, but given what I now know about their neurodivergent brains and executive functioning, it all makes more sense. Even with the scaffold and support of grown-ups, the skills never took root, at least not in the way we expected them. We did all the things: make it game, use silly voices to facilitate, break down into small jobs and do it together. They participated sometimes but never consistently. We did natural consequences and let the toys be a mess but they just continued to play in the mess. It fell flat and felt like we were just doing this wrong. What has evolved over time was a better understanding of them as individuals and the what and how of their play. This understanding of has greatly informed the two playful problems discussed today: space and how to play.

Playful Problem #3: Space

The Playroom

When you think of play room, what do you see? I think of an airy, organized, peaceful and whimsical room. But that isn’t my playroom. That’s what the playrooms of Instagram and Pinterest look like. It only takes a minute to search playroom and you can see pictures of all kinds of rooms full of themes, organizational systems and different types of toys. For many families, a play room is a component of the family home that serves an important role. Play rooms and dedicated play spaces can be a great addition for families. A place to gather for play, relax as a family, allow kids to embrace their interests and offer a safe playful place. If you have a designated play area that serves you well, that is great, but it can also be a place with a lot of expectations.

Perfect. Maybe too perfect?

A Play Room Costs Money

In modern parenthood, we often treat the play room as the norm for many families. Yet, a play room or dedicated space for a child to play is not available to all families. There is financial privilege connected to having enough space in one’s home for a dedicated space for child’s play. Apartments, smaller homes and shared living spaces may not provide an obvious play option. There may be a number of needs that are being met in a family living space beyond just the living, now that many adults have work from home arrangements. The “play space” may also serve as a dining room/office. For families living with extended family members or with other paying occupants, a dedicated playing area may not be feasible when meeting all of the adult needs in the home.

What About the Outdoors?

There is also something to be said about play that takes place outdoors. The outdoors offers many play options. However, not everyone has access to outdoor spaces. Once again tied to financial privilege, homes with outdoor space have certain cost and location constraints. Even if you do have an outdoor space, there may be limitations due to safety i.e., near busy road, local wildlife, nearby pool and so on that limit how much your children can play in the space. As a society, we have become uncomfortable letting our children play outdoors. In a cursory search of the internet about the evolution of play rooms there is an argument that the play room has become increasingly more of a focus because so much of a child’s play has moved indoors. In an effort to fill in the gaps of play, we have tried to control play by creating curated play rooms.

Is There a “Right” Type of Play Room?

What is modeled in the mainstream for play rooms is a very specific type of play in a very specific place. If we use social media and retailers as our guide, our vision is limited in how to serve our children’s play needs (as well as our adult needs). Although beautiful, these images are not going to foster your child’s unique play unless you are tuning into their needs and yours.

Do You Really Need a Play Room?

No. What you need is a space(s) that fits the needs of your family. Children do need to play and they need play somewhere safe. Many families hope to have a separate space for kids, because the parents need to be able to work from home, have peace of mind or some sense of order. I know for myself I really wanted to have that divide, kid space and grown up-ish space. It didn’t quite work that way, but we have found ways to make it feel different in different spaces, and that helps. Our living room has fewer toys, but there is access to crafts and games that have a place to live when not in use. It doesn’t mean that there are never toys in the living room—they collect in a bin until they return to their homes. The basement is major play and movement zone. We slowly removed more of the toys and shelving to allow for the movement needs of our crew. That is where a toy rotation figures in too (see below). Bedrooms are also play spaces but in general fewer toys are stored there, in order to support sleeping. There is a closet we adapted into an extra play space in my toddler’s room. By having more than one play area, we allow for space for siblings to do different things. These examples are not the only way we could do it, but it is what works for our current needs. What I encourage you to do is to think about your child(ren) and their needs/interests and your needs/interests first. Are there ways to find a balance in your space to meet those needs? Start with a needs assessment, including everyone’s needs (yours too!!!).

Space in Basement with Crash Pad and Trapeze Swing

Focus on Minimal Standards First

Start with identifying what are the minimal requirements for your child in their play area. Safety needs to be factored according to their individual needs. Reflect on the type of play they tend to engage in. For you, what are your minimal standards? No Legos impaled in the feet? (I haven’t found the answer on Legos, they are our primary toy-related injury) Where do you need your child to be? Do they need to be far away from your office or do you need them close to the kitchen so you can see them while you are cooking? Don’t get stuck on rooms or set spaces, just needs first than you can sort out what that can actually look like next.

Get Creative

Once you get an idea of your needs than you can get creative. We often start with trying to fit our things or needs to the space instead of the other way around. For instance, we had a hall closet that we so dutifully tried to make work as a linen closet. Located next to the bathroom and bedrooms, a linen closet was logical but the shelves were just not right and couldn’t fit the sheets and towels. As we were going through a round of re-organizing, we decided to switch it to a library. It was going to be better at serving our avid readers. It’s central next to the bedrooms, the closet shelves keep the books orderly and the closed door keeps the younger members from pulling all the books out. Another creative spot is an unusually shaped closet that became a play space in my toddler’s room. Someday it will likely be reclaimed for clothes but now it’s for play. When you know what you need such as a space for movement, a place that can get messy or quiet safe place, then you can start to think about how to make it happen. It doesn’t need to be a room or look like what others have done; it just needs to fit for your family. It can be helpful to get ideas once you know what you might need but remember what works for someone else might be the right fit for you. I share the idea of linen closets as libraries only as an example of tailoring your space—not because everyone needs a library closet.

Library Closet

Less is More

There is some truth to the overwhelm factor with kids. Having fewer toys out can facilitate more engaged play. There are many options for limiting the overwhelm. You can buy less stuff, have boundaries on how much stays at any one time or a toy rotation system. We have toy rotation-ish system. A couple of years ago, I was fed up with the number of toys we had, so I reduced our toys and then I had the kids go through them and get rid of more. Then I set up a closet for the toys to live and I was ready to rotate. The plan was to put a small number of toys out each week, and then the next week I would put those away and get another sample out. Generally, my kids enjoyed it. The problem was after the initial excitement I would forget to do the rotating part. Eventually they would get frustrated and demand specific toys “out of rotation”. We still have a toy rotation closet but now we have more of a “shopping” system: one thing goes back in the closet for another thing to come out. It has more potential for chaos when they convince other kind adults that they can just take things out willy-nilly. We definitely had too many toys, and me rotating toys on schedule was also too much. What we do now works well enough. Sometimes there isn’t the perfect hack. I will also throw in that we need to be careful about being rigid about less is more as kids get older, it is important to understand and respect their preferences. Although I don’t prefer every single doodad being displayed, my child may. Opportunities for curiosity abound. If it’s not a problem for them then why is it problem for us? Which is a perfect question to launch us into our next topic.

The skeleton in our toy rotation closet...I am not very good at rotating toys.

Playful Problem #4: Are There Right Ways to Play?

Think of the ways you used to play as a child. It is likely that you may have played differently than a sibling or friend. There can be a lot of variation in how children play. If play is the native language of children, then think of the variations of play as innumerable dialects. And yet we still compare individuals. We set up expectations around what play “should” look like and value one type of play over another.

Adult Stories

We bring our adult expectations into the play of children. Our stories about what play is good play, what is acceptable and what feels appropriate. These stories are influenced by our childhoods and messages from others. Maybe you grew up in a family where quiet play was viewed as good, and loud, rough play was viewed as bad or out of control. Maybe you have fond memories of your outdoor play and plan for that to the be priority for your children. Maybe the preschool program your children attend have very specific types of play they encourage. There is nothing wrong with the stories we carry about play, but it is important to have a sense of when they show up and where they come from. Sometimes what we are carrying around will create judgement, anxiety, or anger to our children’s play.

Is There a “Right” Way to Play?

As we learn more about neurodiversity and finding ways to support neurodivergent children in an affirming stance, we need to attend to the fact that in the past we as a society have not respected different ways to play. For a long time, there has been a focus on “teaching” kids how to play “correctly”. This needs to change. We can respect play differences. It is how the child is experiencing the world, their curiosity, creativity and joy. Some children are going to line up cars instead of drive them. Some children are going to set up scenes of characters and enjoy the scene instead of play with the figures. Some children are collectors of odds and ends that seem insignificant but they are treasures. For some children the play will always be about the same thing. There is space for many ways to play. Beyond the ways kids play, we also need to have some flexibility for how we participate in play with our children. Some children will need space and independence to really develop their play skills. Some kids will continue to need support and supervision beyond what is thought to be “age-appropriate”.

Let them be Bored…Or Not (It Depends)

Boredom can be uncomfortable for kids. For some kids who can tolerate boredom, the experience is helpful in skill development. It helps them learn to tolerate the discomfort and figure out ways to support their own needs. For other kids, however boredom is not so simple. For neurodivergent children, they may have more difficulty tolerating the discomfort or utilizing executive functioning skills like task initiation to find a new activity. From my little sample of four kids, they all handle boredom differently. One of my children struggles with boredom and needs scaffolding and support to find a task. Another one of my children can find another activity on their own without issue. And then I have a child who when left to their own devices typically lands in mischief, so they need supervision if feeling bored. Yes, it can helpful to work towards a child becoming more independent in managing their boredom, but it is most useful to tune into the individual child and design an approach appropriate to them.

Approach Play as Neutral

Different types of play have different things to offer. They can be uniquely tied to that child’s individual needs and interests. We can absolutely offer different types of play just as we offer children a variety of foods, but we can’t make them play that way. We can support safety and respecting boundaries without shaming kids (or their parents) around play.  Try to approach play in the following ways:

-With Mindful Awareness and Curiosity

Mindful awareness is your friend. Check in with how you are feeling when your child is playing. Observe what you see your child doing. Get curious about their play and what it may be like for them.  We tend to jump into kids’ play because we think we should but we can learn a lot just from observing. Of course, if your child invites you, jump in.

-Connect with Your Unique Child

Hopefully this has been the running theme throughout this post but it is so easy to get stuck in comparison and expectation. Your child will be happy to share with you if you are willing to listen. Tune into the child in front of you.

-Intention

Be aware of your intentions with play. Are you trying to get your child to play in a certain way? Or you offering something new for them to consider? Just make sure you are checking in with yourself about where your intention is coming from, there may be some of those stories hanging out with you.

Our Play Closet