The Perpetual Pivoting of Parenthood
The Exhaustion of Schema Change When Getting to Know Our Children
A couple of weeks ago, I scrambled eggs in my kitchen. I added cheese and some leftover roasted potatoes. It was glorious, I felt young again. An egg scramble is exciting??? For us, it is. My son was recently given the green light to eat baked egg (as in baked in food like a muffin). One day it was forbidden and the next, eggs are on the menu. My son was diagnosed with multiple life-threatening food allergies at the age of 6 months. From the time he was sitting in a highchair, eggs have been dangerous. And so, for years no egg cartons entered our kitchen. The other members of the household have had their share of eggs but always safe and separate, such as pre-cooked and carefully stored. We established a policy of not cooking with fresh eggs to avoid cross-contamination, found a reliable egg replacer and went on with our lives. But now here we are, cooking with eggs. It felt abrupt even though in reality, it’s been years of monitoring with a pediatric allergist and a previous oral food challenge. In this recent food challenge, it was determined we could integrate the baked form of egg. We are happy to take a food off the allergy list but it does require adapting and integrating new information. It was a schema change.
Schema Change
In psychology, a schema means a mental framework for how we organize and interpret information. These mental models give us some ease in how to interpret the loads of information we experience every day and are largely influenced by our experience and memories. There are four different types of schemas: person, social, self and event. Assimilation and accommodation are the processes of schema change. In assimilation, new information is incorporated into already existing schemas and accommodation is the altering of existing schemas or creating a new schema. So, what does this have to do with parenting? Think about the person schema for your child. This schema organizes all the information you know about them in this moment, how you interpret your daily interactions and then in turn this influences the actions you take. And now think about how much that information has changed over their time in your life. You could not operate under the same mental model for your 3-year-old child as if they were still a 1-year-old. In the case of my child’s egg allergy, one day he could not have eggs meaning my attention and decisions were guided one way. Now that he can eat baked egg, this new information is integrated so that I can attend to his food allergy in a new way and this leads to different decision pathways.
Change is Hard
It is hard to imagine a time of life with more change than that of childhood. And that change means a whole lot of change for parents, too. The transitions are constant: newborn to infant, infant to toddler, toddler to preschooler and so on. Each period of development is full of transformation, for kid and parent. Alongside the infinite changes in parental tasks from bottom wiping to homework supervisor, the knowledge about the human in front of you is also constantly expanding, shifting and changing.
The Smaller Stuff
Some of these changes are smaller, but perhaps big all the same (for us parents). I recently packed up my eldest’s Harry Potter Legos. Despite the constant Lego taming battle, I was sad to do this. Harry Potter has been a passion for a while and although he reports it is still his all-time favorite book series, the deep infatuation period is gone. The mental model of Harry Potter as a primary joy has to change and make room for current passions, currently held by Minecraft and Roblox. We have 3 younger kids, so there is always a possibility that someone else will find joy in the Wizarding World but it is bittersweet all the same.
The Bigger Stuff
It may be easier to see the change process of your mental model with bigger changes like when your child starts elementary school or a teenager becomes a driver. The change is clearer and more tangible but certainly not easy. It also leads to another cascade of changing schemas beyond the model of your child. It involves changes across schemas. For instance, when your child starts elementary school, the parent has to learn about a new school community, how to communicate with educators and define a support role for their child’s education.
The Subtle Stuff
Beyond ends of interests or bigger transitions, subtle changes are constantly taking place. Behind the scenes your child’s identity and personality are developing. Preferences are showing up and these little nuggets start to shape what you know to be them. Some are mundane and some may be more metamorphic. You may inventory the knowledge that now your child is someone who prefers a shower to a bath. Maybe they now have an informed opinion on broccoli and really just don’t like it. Or their passion for justice is leading them in directions for a future career. Right there with the milestones of growth and development, their unique self is blossoming.
The Change is Constant
Are there any other relationships where the other changes so frequently? Think about other relationships in your life. Yes, maybe your dear friend starts to jog and embraces the identity of a jogger. Or there is a career pivot, a return to graduate school, or the end of a marriage. It’s not that the adults in our world don’t change but our schemas of those individuals typically don’t have to adapt so often. This may speak to some of the constant exhaustion we experience as parents. It’s more than just the poor sleep, the changes also have something to do with it. We are constantly moving with all these adjustments and pivoting albeit sometimes clumsily and sometimes with grace. If what Albert Einstein says is true—" The measure of intelligence is the ability to change” then parents are destined to be geniuses.
A few things to remember:
1. Give yourself credit, change is hard. Your kids are constantly changing and therefore so are you.
2. One change often creates a cascade of shifts in where to direct your attention and results in different pathways for decisions. I repeat give yourself some credit.
3. Don’t forget self-compassion for this steep learning curve and maybe a nap too.
Always pivoting! We went over on Sunday to hang out with friends from church (they have a son Hannah’s age, so they get along pretty well). They were ordering pizza, and my husband had to ask me what pizza she eats now because we haven’t had pizza at home this month, but she ate it at my parents’ house. She now only eats cheese pizza whereas before her preference was sausage pizza and before that she pretty much ate crust and was iffy on the rest of the pizza. It’s exhausting keeping up with all the changes!
My 4.5 yo had the egg allergy too- he was able to eat them baked in around 13 mo and then could eat whole eggs around 3 yo. He still doesn’t like cooked eggs much and I have wondered if it’s because he couldn’t have them for so long! My almost 7 yo likes them again now but he didn’t eat them in that 2 year period very much either. I still have to remind myself he doesn’t have the same reaction to eggs now bc it was such a default.