Summertime brings out a seasonal variety of shame-inducing messages for parents. Maybe there are other places to find wisdom besides social media? The children’s section of the library is a treasure trove in this way. Let me introduce a different kind of influence(r): Beverly Cleary.
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On our summer vacation, the sibling bickering started before we even got out of the driveway. The conflict cued my brain that I had planned on downloading an audiobook (but forgot). Audible graciously suggested The Ramona Quimby Audio Collection by Beverly Cleary. Sometimes algorithms work in magical ways. This selection was a tiny bit selfish. I loved these books as a kid. I identified with the imaginative (and sometimes annoying) younger sister Ramona. This audio collection also happens to be narrated by the iconic actress Stockard Channing, so it was an easy choice. Finding an accepted family audiobook was a win, but what was most surprising was what else these stories offer: some perspective for parents.
“Beezus felt that the biggest trouble with four-year-old Ramona was that she was just plain exasperating.”
The car hushed as we listened to the first book, Beezus and Ramona*, originally published in 1955. When you first encounter Ramona and her older sister Beezus, she is an imaginative preschooler with a penchant for mischief. That mischief is a source of stress for her older sister (as well as the adults in her life). The first book focuses on Beezus’s perspective. However, subsequent books shift to Ramona. Ramona writes in library books, takes one bite of every apple in the crate, sabotages birthday cakes, and much more. If you only knew a list of Ramona’s indiscretions, you might conclude that she is a “badly behaved” child. But Ramona is a child who makes mistakes, or perhaps most accurately, a child growing up.
The everyday is interesting
Childhood is the main character in the book series. The stories are about everyday experiences. They are magical even if there isn’t a hero’s journey to conquer evil. Author Beverly Cleary highlights the struggles of a kid finding her way, bouncing between over-confidence, uncertainty, and all the in-between. These stories center on growing up but aren’t about learning a lesson. In an interview, Beverly Cleary was asked why children like Ramona so much. Her response was:
“Because she doesn’t not learn to be a better girl. I was so annoyed with books in my childhood because children always learned to be better children. In my experience they didn’t, they just grew and so I started Ramona and she has never reformed and she’s really not a naughty child, in spite of the title of Ramona the Pest. Her intentions are good but she has a lot of imagination and sometimes things don’t turn out the way she expected.”
Parental amnesia
Do you remember what it felt like to be small in a big world? To make mistakes (many, many mistakes)? To be puzzled about what grown-ups are doing and saying? We lose touch with this as we get older. It’s hard to get that perspective when all you want to do is get out the door in the morning.
These stories provide depth about a child’s perspective especially when compared to a 60-second reel of kids running on a beach with trending audio and platitudes about childhood. It’s imperfect and bumpy. The adults are also imperfect. They get tired, grumpy, and exasperated.
“Name one perfect grown-up,” challenged Mr. Quimby. “You can’t do it.”
“Haven’t you noticed grown-ups aren’t perfect?” asked Mrs. Quimby. “Especially when they’re tired.”
“Then how come you expect us kids to be so perfect all the time?” demanded Ramona.
“Good question,” said Mr. Quimby. “I’ll have to think of an answer.”
And certainly, some of the parenting techniques would not fly within our modern parenting climate. Mrs. Quimby calls Ramona a “naughty girl” at times. Mr. Quimby reminds Ramona frequently that spanking was a solution in his childhood. And there are certainly ideas of “minding” that differ from our current culture. However, the adults exhibit compassion and understanding that children make mistakes and understand that they are growing. In the first book, Ramona facilitates a “party” by inviting the neighborhood kids, without informing her mother or sister. They are tasked with entertaining a pack of children at a moment’s notice. After the children have left, Ramona starts proposing possible punishments (all with a smile). Ramona’s mother and sister’s response:
“Mother laughed and looked at Beezus. “I’m afraid all we can do is wait for her to grow up. “ she said. And when Mother said we like that, Beezus almost felt sorry for Ramona, because she would have to wait such a long time to be grown up.”
A nostalgic Dr. Frankenstein
It’s easy to slip into nostalgia when visiting stories from a different time. It’s tempting to channel Dr. Frankenstein and superimpose pieces of the past onto our current moment. It would be in error to assume the lesson here is to bring back the past. We cannot live in Ramona’s world and nor should we. In 1955 when, Ramona and Beezus, was first published Emmett Till was murdered, the Vietnam War began and Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on the bus. Women could not have credit cards and it was against the law to be gay. Ramona’s experience is white, middle-class, and suburban. Nostalgia can make it easy to ignore the sharp edges of the time. Putting Ramona’s childhood on a pedestal, deeming it “better” can take us down a path of thinking we should go backward. And we are easily tempted by the idea of “better” these days. What if it’s not about what was better then but what remains the same?
Children are growing and make mistakes. We adults grow and make mistakes.
Perhaps I am being sentimental about these stories? The knowledge that children are children and they grow isn’t a particularly profound revelation. Certainly, obvious to some but there was something about the timing that made revisiting these stories meaningful as it is juxtaposed with my humble confidence in parenthood. Please don’t equate confidence with “knowing what to do”. And I am still not a “calm mom”. This is about being confident in sitting with what is uncomfortable, hearing one’s voice, and brushing away what is not helpful. This hasn’t come from specific practices, resources, therapy, or a divine encounter but with time. It takes time is an unsatisfying piece of wisdom. You can’t put that into a compelling reel or infographic. You can’t build a course or write 80,000 words on just the passage of time. And of course, it’s not only time by itself, it’s many small things over time. Some are so small you can’t possibly sift them out of the layers of the day.
Confidence is not about being a good parent. Am I a good parent? The jury’s out on that. And there is still so much ahead, to give that confidence a real good shake. Years ago, I would have said I just wanted to be a better parent. Time has taught me, that it’s not about being a better parent, it’s that you grow, much like Ramona.
