Tantrum on Aisle 4

A Wonderful Mess Podcast

Tantrum on Aisle 4

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Tantrum on Aisle 4

Radical acceptance in parenthood

Kathryn Barbash, PsyD

Jun 24, 2024

We are back navigating the mess of parenthood today with the concept of radical acceptance.

a target store with cars parked in front of it — Photo by Shabaz Usmani on Unsplash

You are strolling down the aisle at Target, trying to quickly get through your shopping list. You know that your child is a ticking time bomb but you hadn’t anticipated that they “redesigned” the store. Two detours have taken up precious time. You have all the items in the cart but it’s too late.

Your child has spotted the display of summer toys across the aisle. It begins. There is a request for a new bubble machine. You have one at home and you gently remind your child of this. They point out that the one in the store is blue and the one at home is yellow. Yellow is deemed as inadequate. The louder demands start. You reflect those feelings and await the calmness to appear (just like the parenting book describes). The calmness does not appear, instead, there is a new type of energy showing up. The wailing is let loose upon you and your fellow shoppers.

You are now experiencing a tantrum in a public place. Suddenly you feel very sweaty and hot, it feels like everyone is looking at you. Some old woman walks by and says “Oh, I’ve been there, sweetheart.” And you want to reply, “What do I do, Target lady?” But she is gone. It’s just you and your child, with a cart full of pull-ups, detergent, Goldfish, and batteries. What to do?

Radical acceptance.

Intriguing, but how? Raise your hands to the sky, yell “I radically accept this” and wait for the calming energy to rain down. Not exactly.

food aisle and ceiling at store — Is radical acceptance hiding up in the drop ceiling?

Radical Acceptance

The phrase radical acceptance has always been appealing to me. And maybe some of that is influenced by the word radical. I grew up in Southern California in the 80s and 90s after all. To me radical acceptance represents freedom in the face of things you cannot control. And as it turns out, there is a lot you can’t control.

In the book, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha, Tara Brach, PhD describes radical acceptance as, “clearly recognizing what we are feeling in the present moment and regarding that experience with compassion.” When we resist what is unfolding, the more pain we experience.

“Radical acceptance reverses our habit of living at war with experiences that are unfamiliar, frightening, or intense. It is the necessary antidote to years of neglecting ourselves, years of judging and treating ourselves harshly, years of rejecting this moment’s experience ourselves and our life as it is. A moment of Radical Acceptance is a moment of genuine freedom.”

Tara Brach, PhD

Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha

The concept of radical acceptance is also found within Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a type of therapeutic intervention developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan. The practice in the context of DBT is explained here in a blog post from Psychology Today by Michelle P. Maidenberg Ph.D., MPH, LCSW-R, CGP:

“ Marsha Linehan discussed the practice of radical acceptance in her dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and letting go of what isn’t possible. She stated, “Radical acceptance rests on letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judging.”[i] She breaks it up into three parts: (1) accepting the reality is what it is, (2) accepting that the event or situation causing pain has a cause, and (3) accepting life can be worth living even with painful events.”

Here are some components of radical acceptance to consider:

Mindfully paying attention with non-judgment allows for awareness and acknowledgment of what is unfolding.
Releasing the idea that you can control everything. Asking yourself “Can I control this?” is a quick way to clarify.
Be aware of judgment and experience things as they are as facts or parts in a story
Remember that you cannot change the past or predict the future.
Practice radical acceptance of the little things, so you have the skills available for the bigger stuff.

Back to the child screaming

boy opening his mouth — Photo by Marco Aurélio Conde on Unsplash

Let’s take radical acceptance to the aisles of Target. There may be many thoughts and wants weighing you down in this moment:

A strong desire to say the “right” thing
Wanting the tantrum to stop
Wanting to set your child up with strong financial literacy
Wanting to get your errands done
Not wanting to be “that” parent in the store

Chances are, this is going to be a mess. You can get upset with your child, yourself, and Target (they seriously needed to redesign the store again?). But spiraling takes us into a new realm of suffering, make it hard to act within this moment.

Some ideas about bringing radical acceptance to this kid tantrum:

Acceptance isn’t the same as approval. You don’t have to like that your kid is screeching like a monkey, but you can accept that they have feelings. And they are their feelings, this is not in your control.
Visit the facts. You are in Target; your kid is being loud. You planned to buy these items. You can choose to buy them or leave the store, that is in your control. How messy that will be is not in your control, but chances are it will be okay in the big picture.
Stay in the moment. Jumping ahead to a vision of your child as a young adult demanding things from a shopping cart is not a helpful image.
Practice non-judgement. Judgments of your parenting ability or child’s character aren’t helpful in this situation, nor are they relevant. Notice them showing up and let them move away.
Final fact: Target is a stressful place to be, this is not the place to shine.