Welcome to another post of Mindful Mom in the Mud. A newsletter focused on navigating the mess of parenthood with humor, compassion and common sense. Enjoy reading (or listening) with a hot beverage…or a reheated hot beverage.
In recent years I have spent a lot of time in the shallow end of the pool. The swimming skills of our kids haven’t yet matched their enthusiasm. Those familiar with “the lingering at the pool stairs” phase know that you cross paths with many other pool-goers this way. This creates an opportunity for chatting where you may encounter the “dip your toes in” type questions:
How old is your child?
Where do your kids go to school?
Do you live nearby?
After some back and forth, you may swim in different directions—another friendly moment in the water. Or these questions may be the breadcrumbs to follow to a longer conversation where you discover a connection. Perhaps the final result is a friendly wave when poolside or maybe even a new friendship develops. All these different curious paths. One is not wrong or right. A variety of depths of curiosity will lead to different experiences, and most of the time they start in the shallow end.
In Scott Shigeoka’s book, Seek: How Curiosity Can Transform Your Life and Change the World, he describes a spectrum of curiosity. Shallow curiosity is when we stay on the surface, more focused on extracting information as compared to deep curiosity which is “a search for understanding that leads to connection and transformation.” This deeper form of curiosity supports strengthening relationships and has the potential to change lives in a meaningful way.
We need both ends of the pool
All levels of curiosity play a role in daily life. Certainly, if a fellow swimmer jumped into the pool and asked “What is your deepest regret in life?” You may exercise caution and have your kids play shark attack on the other side of the pool. Shigeoka highlights that we need all of the depths of curiosity:
“Shallow curiosity is not necessarily vapid or unimportant. We rely on this curiosity to get through our daily life. Asking a stranger about their day or weather can be neighborly and boost both of our moods, even if it doesn’t transform anything in our life. It’s just that sometimes we get so comfortable in the shallows that we forget there’s an entire ocean to explore. The goal isn’t to remove shallow curiosity from your life—it’s to complement it with deep curiosity.”
Some examples of shallow curiosity questions:
What’s your child’s name?
What do you do?
Do your kids play sports?
Some examples of deep curiosity questions:
What has most surprised you about being a parent?
When do you feel most content?
What do you most enjoy about your child?
All of these questions have their purpose and place. Deep curiosity is not always going to be appropriate. There are many factors to consider like setting, timing, the nature of the relationship, and so on. It is, however, worth noticing that we can get stuck in the shallow end. We all benefit from getting a little more comfortable in the deep.
What could it be like if we brought deep curiosity to our fellow parents?
Deeply disconnected parents
Now Trending: Parenting Identities, explored how shared identities both connect and disconnect us from others. A fellow Substack writer,
posted this question:“Do you think the emptiness and disconnect that parents feel are contributing factors to the teen mental health crisis? I can’t help but wonder…”
I responded to Cindy, “I can’t imagine it’s not related. It’s certainly a lot of different factors converging but we definitely need to account for the stress, loneliness and mental health of parents as well.”
This is not citing specific research, it is my opinion. And it’s not the cause—because there isn’t one cause. It’s a lot of causes creating these current challenges.
Curiosity has potential benefits to support parents. But do not expect curiosity to be a “fix it” type of practice. Curiosity is an important ingredient for connection. And connection serves a purpose independent of solutions. This requires some radical acceptance that connection may be more important than being “right” about how to parent.
Take a dive
So how does deep curiosity work? Do you start throwing out some deeply personal questions in the car rider line at school? Or dish out intense eye contact on the bleachers at baseball practice and get into a game of truth like a middle school sleepover? It’s helpful to have some practices first to support deep curiosity. Shigeoka presents the DIVE model to support deep curiosity in their lives:
Detach: Letting go of assumptions, biases, and certainty
Intentions: Prepare your mindset and setting
Value: See the dignity of every person, including yourself
Embrace: Welcome the hard times in your life
There are many interesting concepts in the book, but for today we will visit assumptions and value.
What do I do with all these assumptions?
We all make assumptions. Our brains are constantly interpreting information and finding quick ways to file it. So having assumptions or biases is not inherently bad. That being said, giving yourself space to question assumptions is a worthwhile practice. They can easily get in the way of connecting with others. Shigeoka encourages the reader to challenge their assumptions:
“Since assumptions are beliefs without proof, an effective way to disrupt them is to simply collect evidence to see whether it proves or disproves them. The way to do this is by actually meeting people you hold assumptions about, asking questions, and seeing whether your claims can be substantiated. Oftentimes, they aren’t.
When you can test out assumptions in this way that is respectful of others, go for it. It might not always be feasible to challenge assumptions with direct contact. In that case, Shigeoka suggests getting inwardly curious and asking yourself some questions:
Where is this assumption coming from?
Why might it not be true all the time?
What are ways I could pressure-test this assumption without meeting someone, such as through researching stories online that counter my views?
Another way to do this is to dust off some high school debate skills by weighing your current view against the opposite. Argue both sides and evaluate how your argument holds up.
An illustration of challenging assumptions
Below is a screenshot of a reel from @thegamereducator, an account on Instagram focused on tips for managing screens. In this reel, creator Ash Brandin compares the perception of a parent on their phone with the possible reality of the parent. Brandin lists the perceptions that the parent is:
ignoring their kids
a lazy parent
prefers their phone over their family
depriving kids of a present caregiver
Brandin counters with the possible internal reality for the parent:
“He’s eating a granola bar. I’ll add them to my pickup order”
“I’m overwhelmed. They can play I’ll scroll for a few minutes. This is my only break today.”
“It’s 4:30 . Better text my spouse to defrost the chicken for dinner.”
“Oh the weekly school email. Book exchange…better write a reminder for when I get home”
I’m so glad they’re playing so I can get this work done and be present as soon as we get home.”
Is there a yes, but showing up…something like:
yes, but what if none of that is true?
yes, but that is productivity culture and that parent needs to divest from that.
yes, I have all those things to do, too and I still don’t go on my phone.
yes but, we do have a phone problem in our culture.
And in response, I would encourage you to ask yourself a couple more questions:
How does my assumption serve that parent?
How does it serve me?
What if instead of assuming our job was to change others, our job was to value others?
The value of others
Valuing ourselves and others is more than being nice. Shigeoka writes:
“To value is to see the inherent and ineffable dignity of all people, including yourself. It is to acknowledge the humanity of every single person, no matter what they’ve done or how you feel about them. Full stop and no exceptions. Until we honor the worth of others, and work to see them as complex beings with autonomy, emotions, and experiences, we can’t access deep curiosity.”
Is there a question in your mind, “What about the “bad” people???” Shigeoka clarifies, that valuing others is not the same as agreeing, defending, or erasing. This takes the ability to recognize that you can value another who is worth dignity, respect, and curiosity while still disagreeing with their beliefs and ideologies.
Shigeoka writes about the research on the importance of the listening role and the work of Emile Bruneau. Bruneau examined dialogue initiatives (programs that brought students of color together with white students to talk about differences) and determined that perspective-taking was crucial. Listening to another’s experience was most important for those in the majority group to learn about the minority perspective. The research found that those with more social power should listen. Shigeoka encourages reflecting on the power dynamics of a relationship and deciding your role accordingly.
If we listen to those whose parenthood does not look like our own, especially those with less social power, what might we learn?
New assumptions for parents
Deep curiosity takes effort. It may take inner and outer resources. It takes intention and willingness to admit that your assumptions may be false or to recognize that you are the one that needs to listen. So before you even get there, it’s helpful to identify a why. Why be curious? Take time to figure out what you are hoping for. Sometimes we hope curiosity will allow us to influence others to see it our way. It’s used to discover the evidence we need to convince another that we are right. This is a tricky kind of curiosity with an agenda. Shigeoka calls this “predatory curiosity”. This is when you intend to change the other instead of understanding them. Curiosity is a valuable resource, don’t waste it in this way.
And as resources go, be wise where you direct your energy. You can’t be curious all the time with everyone. Identify where and who you want to commit your curiosity towards. You can bring your deep curiosity to yourself, your spouse, children, friends, co-workers, your community, or beyond. There are many avenues and it is probably easiest to start close to home. And determine your boundaries, don’t put yourself in scenarios that are unsafe.
When you exercise deep curiosity, here are some possible new assumptions. I know…assumptions, but maybe these are more spacious.
Being curious could help us recognize each other as whole people
Being curious can lead to more connection in a disconnected world
Learning about others’ parenthood doesn’t mean mine is wrong or right
We don’t need our choices to be the same to make our choices right for our family
What could deep curiosity look like in your parenthood?
Curious for more?
There are many more helpful insights and ideas in Scott Shigeoka’s book, Seek: How Curiosity Can Transform Your Life and Change the World* and I would recommend checking it out.
*I am an affiliate of bookshop.org and will earn a small commission if you use the above link to purchase (at no additional cost to you).
Check out this article from
, “Me versus You” to “Us Versus the Problem”:“Nevertheless, approaching disagreement as a shared project creates an atmosphere that’s a little less angry, a lot more pleasant, and which leaves us less terrified of living in a world with the people we strongly disagree with. Sometimes, it even offers us powerful new insights into complex truths or better solutions for complex problems.”
Interested in learning more from Ash Brandin? I have found this account incredibly useful in navigating the complexity of screens. You can find their Instagram account here. And you can hear more from them on the Burnt Toast podcast hosted by
.
And here is a previous post on the limits of curiosity with your kids, because as much as I believe in it, you can not be curious all the time, because sometimes you are standing in a puddle.
In the spirit of curiosity, I want to hear from you! I am curious about the topics you are interested in for future newsletters. Click the button below to send a topic of interest.
A Case for Curiosity in Parent Culture