Essential Self-Compassion for Bold Parents
All the cool kids are doing it
Being bold is hard but parents are especially equipped to do hard things, you do them every day.
Legos in your feet
Vomit in the night
Homework battles
Visits to the emergency room
“I am never going to school again!”
5 AM wake ups
IEPs
Lots of driving
So many feelings
Check out aisle at the grocery store
Diagnoses
Potty training
Preparing food for intense culinary critics
The list goes on. You love your kids and you show up through the exhaustion, the feelings and the bodily fluids. However, we aren’t always great at showing up for ourselves. Going out on a limb here but I am willing to bet that many of you have had thoughts like the ones below at some point in time:
I failed…
I should’ve been able to…
This will never end…
I am a bad parent…
Nothing ever goes right…
Radical ways of being
It’s time be radical, to advocate for a change. A change in how we respond to ourselves when things are hard. Self-compassion has a reputation of being vanilla. Some may wrongly assume it is a pity party for wimps. However, here is news on this—it’s actually for the brave and bold. Vanilla just might be the spice you need in your life.
One of my favorite writers on this topic is Carla Naumburg, PhD, who in her book, You are Not a Sh*tty Parent: How to Practice Self-Compassion and Give Yourself a Break, describes self-compassion as:
“Imagine if instead of a punk-ass gremlin constantly judging you, you had a friend. A friend who knows your whole history—every pissy, rageful, regretful thought you’ve ever had about parenting, every escape fantasy that’s gotten you through the day, every time you wished your kids would just shut the hell up and leave you alone, every lie or rude comment, every time you fell off the wagon and broke your diet or your vows, all of it. And get this: They still love you.”
“They still love you.” This friend shows up when you are feeling bad—for whatever reason that may be— whether it’s because your kid has been up all night with an ear infection, you yelled at your toddler for putting toothbrushes in the toilet, you are angry at yourself for scrolling instead of playing with your kid or you convinced yourself your kid’s brain is melting from watching Youtube. The friend that shows up, that is you. You as a friend is what self-compassion is about.
Self-compassion
There are three main elements of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity and kindness.
Mindfulness: being aware of your moment-to-moment experience with clarity and non-judgement. This includes it all: the thoughts, emotions and sensations.
How does this fit in? It’s pretty hard to be self-compassionate if you are not aware first that you are feeling bad. It’s not a fun time to acknowledge pain but in the end it’s an important part of showing up for yourself. So step one—before ignoring, trying to fix or cover up the hard feelings-- notice. If we can notice, there are choices, no matter how much of a dumpster fire we find ourselves.
Common Humanity: is staying connected to the human experience of pain by recognizing that all humans make mistakes and experience hard stuff in life.
How does this fit in? Every one of us suffers. It's easy to assume that the norm is that things go “right” but really there is a lot of mess to life for everyone. The circumstances are different, the degree of pain will vary but the experience of suffering is the true for all of us. Think about other parents out there who are trying to figure it out too. Why do parenting experts and influencers have millions of followers? It’s not because it’s all going well.
Self-Kindness: being supportive, encouraging and protecting ourselves from harm when we make a mistake. Actively soothing and comforting when there are difficult circumstances.
How does this fit in? The typical response when we mess up is to bust out the self-critic, who is quick to tear you apart. Rolling in with self-kindness is a different approach. Self-kindness is showing up to yourself with warmth, acceptance and comfort.
So why do this?
It’s not to feel better. You may be wondering then what is the point?
Several months ago, I attended a training with Dr. Kristin Neff, a well-known self-compassion researcher, where she highlighted a key point about self-compassion. You are not doing the practice to feel better; you are doing the practice because you feel bad.
This practice is not about feeling better or making the uncomfortable stuff go away faster, this is about you feeling bad, recognizing those feelings and deserving kindness. Because we all deserve kindness, no matter what. And we especially deserve it from ourselves. I may be a stranger writing on the internet, but this is something I really hope can be heard. We are all worthy of kindness. Even when we mess up, even when we did all the “right” things and stuff still happened, even if we think we “should” be able to handle it, even when other people messed up and now we are dealing with the aftermath. Kindness for all of it.
Want more reasons?
Choices. When you care for yourself, you have choices. Having more inner resources helps you figure out what action is needed. Do you need to apologize or take responsibility for a mistake? Do you need to take a different path? Do you need to find help? Choices, sound a lot better than a gremlin pushing you into a corner.
It’s time to find ways to show up with self-compassion that work for you.
The compassionate voice in your head
Sometimes we have been hard on ourselves for a really longtime and it’s a challenge to do it differently. It can be helpful to find a compassionate voice. You can borrow that voice if you need to. It could be someone special from your life like a grandparent or even a spiritual presence you feel connected to. You can also try a wise self—it’s you from the future. “Future you” sleeps through the night without babies or staring at the ceiling with a teen driver out in the world. Imagine how wise you might be if you sleep. “Future you” has wisdom from time and perspective. Maybe today you is having a hard time finding the words but future you is a caring presence that has a bottomless resource of compassion.
Whatever voice you find—speak in a way you can hear. Maybe your compassionate voice drops F-bombs, has a wicked Boston accent or resembles a bubbly kindergarten teacher. It’s whatever works for you, give yourself a chance to be able to hear it.
Dear friend
Think of a friend struggling, what would you say? Write it down. Now, write down how you respond to yourself when you are struggling. Is there a difference? If you were to respond to yourself like how you respond to a friend, what would that be like?
Keep a friendly note nearby, for when you need a reminder.
Daily self-compassion
Everyday you can care for yourself—it’s called self-care. Okay, please don’t throw the computer or phone. Self-care is talked about a lot and it’s easy to tune it out. It’s easy to say I don’t have time or it’s just not enough. But when it comes to self-compassion this can be a little bit of a reverse engineering situation. If all of the above, still feels out of reach. Start where you are today. How did you care for you today? Did you drink water? Did you feed yourself? Did you do something you enjoy—-read, listen to music? Did you know that you can be kind to you…or that you already are?
Start with a sprinkle, maybe you’ll get to full sundae someday soon.
There are additional resources on self-compassion at the bottom of the page because this is some really good stuff. One last time, you all deserve kindness. Let’s be radical together.
P.S.
I wrote you a poem.
In honor of this holiday week, I present the only poem I will ever write in this newsletter. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Additional Resources on Self- Compassion:
There are resources from Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the most prominent researchers on self-compassion here.
Consider writing yourself a valentine, check this out from
who writes Unscrewing Motherhood.6 Minutes to Self-Compassion for Parents from
who writes Atypical Kids, Mindful Parents BlogAnd a previous post about self-compassion from me can be found here.
This really left a mark on me. My negative self-talk is so automatic and ingrained in me that I find it very hard to respond to hard situations with self-compassion. The fact that you highlighted mindfulness is eye-opening because I truly do need that pause to reflect and turn the tide against the rising negative emotions.
Do it not to feel better, but because you feel bad. I love that. I need that.