This struck me in my core. Especially the part about being a helping professional. I am a social worker and I frequently enter into shame spirals (love your second arrow analogy) because of it. I really love what Dr. Becky talks about in terms of when we have those moments of "not being calm" or yelling or being impatient, it is often signaling that our needs are not met. It's a good reminder and not necessarily to say "go get your needs met so you can be a better mom" because we are GREAT moms. But moreso that we have needs too and modeling for our children how to meet our needs is healthy for their development. She talks about this on the After Bedtime podcast recently if you are interested in checking it out!
There are so many moments when I don't feel calm, and I basically tell myself "It makes sense to feel the way you feel." When my son is climbing on me, my hair gets pulled, or I need to pick up pillows from the floor for the millionth time, calm would be a weird response, but I feel that pressure just like you do. The more we can honestly share and say "This is absurd" the better!
Loved this article so much and can relate to so much, especially the feeling of why does every fun activity I planned out turn into an utter shit show within just a few minutes! You certainly made me feel less alone in this!
I very much agree that the “calm mom” or any other slogan like the you have to stop surviving and start thriving words are not serving mothers, because that is not the reality. I loved your explanation of self regulation and how it is a tool for us to use—a process to help us but we are not always going to be in that state of mind even to catch ourselves until after. Motherhood is hard and we have to find ways, which I find learning to listen to the guidance of our intuition can be helpful, in what we need in each of those harder seasons and moments.
Very much look forward to reading more of your work!
Jennifer, thank you so much! I am so glad to hear that you connect with this piece--this was near and dear to my heart because the calm mom ideal was really messing with my head. It's wonderful to connect with others who share the same passions!
I agree, for me I felt a lot of this messaging and the aesthetics found on social media was what really got me down… even knowing it’s a highlight reel it was enough to just make me need to shut it all out.. no one can be in a calm state all of the time.. literally impossible! I love this space and finding others who tell it like it is!
I am a calm infant teacher the majority of the time- I am able to keep it together while multiple babies are crying or needing something from me, so I spent a long time thinking I should be calmer as a mom. But every now and again I would completely lose my patience with her especially after a long day, and I would be so hard on myself because I felt like I should know better. But I am a mom and a teacher who also gets very tired, and I am learning to be nicer to myself and give myself less of a hard time about not being calm enough.
When you said calm mom is the A+, that spoke to me so directly - I definitely put these expectations on myself as both a mom and as a mom who works in mental health.
Agh! I can totally relate to what you wrote here and it’s been very validating to read. Thank you for this!
Yes! I think that's what is so meaningful about your writing, Kathryn. I feel validated and seen, and that counteracts isolation, and feels really good.
We have so much in common! I'm a human too!
I love meeting fellow humans :)
Thank you for writing this - I felt myself nodding to a lot of it!
I am so glad you connected with it!
This struck me in my core. Especially the part about being a helping professional. I am a social worker and I frequently enter into shame spirals (love your second arrow analogy) because of it. I really love what Dr. Becky talks about in terms of when we have those moments of "not being calm" or yelling or being impatient, it is often signaling that our needs are not met. It's a good reminder and not necessarily to say "go get your needs met so you can be a better mom" because we are GREAT moms. But moreso that we have needs too and modeling for our children how to meet our needs is healthy for their development. She talks about this on the After Bedtime podcast recently if you are interested in checking it out!
Thanks for the rec! Parents who are humans, are great parents. Kids need to see the whole messy picture.
My bad, it was the We Can Do Hard Things podcast :)
There are so many moments when I don't feel calm, and I basically tell myself "It makes sense to feel the way you feel." When my son is climbing on me, my hair gets pulled, or I need to pick up pillows from the floor for the millionth time, calm would be a weird response, but I feel that pressure just like you do. The more we can honestly share and say "This is absurd" the better!
Yes, we are humans and modeling being human to our kids is a good thing.
Loved this article so much and can relate to so much, especially the feeling of why does every fun activity I planned out turn into an utter shit show within just a few minutes! You certainly made me feel less alone in this!
I very much agree that the “calm mom” or any other slogan like the you have to stop surviving and start thriving words are not serving mothers, because that is not the reality. I loved your explanation of self regulation and how it is a tool for us to use—a process to help us but we are not always going to be in that state of mind even to catch ourselves until after. Motherhood is hard and we have to find ways, which I find learning to listen to the guidance of our intuition can be helpful, in what we need in each of those harder seasons and moments.
Very much look forward to reading more of your work!
Jennifer, thank you so much! I am so glad to hear that you connect with this piece--this was near and dear to my heart because the calm mom ideal was really messing with my head. It's wonderful to connect with others who share the same passions!
I agree, for me I felt a lot of this messaging and the aesthetics found on social media was what really got me down… even knowing it’s a highlight reel it was enough to just make me need to shut it all out.. no one can be in a calm state all of the time.. literally impossible! I love this space and finding others who tell it like it is!
I am a calm infant teacher the majority of the time- I am able to keep it together while multiple babies are crying or needing something from me, so I spent a long time thinking I should be calmer as a mom. But every now and again I would completely lose my patience with her especially after a long day, and I would be so hard on myself because I felt like I should know better. But I am a mom and a teacher who also gets very tired, and I am learning to be nicer to myself and give myself less of a hard time about not being calm enough.
Laura, this is beautiful. Self-kindness is so important!
When you said calm mom is the A+, that spoke to me so directly - I definitely put these expectations on myself as both a mom and as a mom who works in mental health.
Agh! I can totally relate to what you wrote here and it’s been very validating to read. Thank you for this!
I am so glad to hear that you find connection with this post. I felt that it was really important to write.
Yes! I think that's what is so meaningful about your writing, Kathryn. I feel validated and seen, and that counteracts isolation, and feels really good.
I am so glad you found it too! More flexibility in our approach is so helpful and I am all about taking breaks, having options is always a good thing.