Now Trending: Oodles of Parenting Advice
It's a lot and it's probably not going to stop, so what's a parent to do?
Hello! Happy to be back with a Now Trending in Parenting article where we explore trends in the parent-scape. Oh and there’s audio, too. You can find it right above or in the podcast feed.
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What technically defines the quantity “oodles”? It may sound less than scientific, but it is a perfect word to capture the amount of parenting advice out there today.
Oodles: a very great number or amount of something
The title of a Washington Post article from the summer captures the current advice climate well: All this parenting advice is getting in the way of parenting. The article explores the challenges that parents face when there is just so much information available,
“Therapists and psychologists are concerned that the barrage of external voices can silence a parent’s intuition, erode their ability to tolerate uncertainty, and amplify the mythology of “perfect parenting.” Parents say they are depleted, struggling to balance the demands of their own circumstances with the idealized scripts they are trying to retain and recite.”
And most recently the surgeon general, Dr. Vivek Murthy, cited advice overwhelm as a parental stressor in his New York Times essay that coincided with the release of the new advisory regarding parental mental health and well-being. In the article, Dr. Murthy summarizes the many obstacles parents are navigating and then observes,
“All of this is compounded by an intensifying culture of comparison, often amplified online, that promotes unrealistic expectations of what parents must do. Chasing these expectations while trying to wade through an endless stream of parenting advice has left many families feeling exhausted, burned out and perpetually behind.”
Exhausted. Burned out. Perpetually behind. How did we get here?
It’s complicated
The abundance of advice isn’t the cause but very much a symptom. A symptom with it’s own impact. A feedback loop develops—needs are not met, a do it yourself patch work approach fills in the gaps, a market develops, and in turn the market shapes the parenting experience while creating new types of stess. It’s complicated.
Complicated: consisting of many interconnecting parts or elements; intricate.
Our current parenting advice overwhelm is a part of many interconnected parts that have been weaving together for decades. The pandemic is often described as the shift into an advice avalanche. It was certainly an accelerant for the social media advice market but many factors over time get us to our current state. The surgeon general’s advisory, Parents Under Pressure: The U.S. Surgeon General Advisory on the Mental Health and Well-Being of Parents, attempts in 38 pages to capture the intricate challenges that have brought us here, from the systemic to the cultural. Many have been advocating for quite a while for some of these needed changes. Change is slow or in some cases non-existant. The words of the surgeon general feel validating, necessary, and hopeful but how do we proceed today?
Why do parents turn to these sources?
Our advice saturation is not going to change anytime soon. Some encourage others to abandon the advice-givers, log off, and walk away. For some, that is the right solution. And that is great. And for some, that choice doesn’t feel like an option. As we push back on the advice culture, let’s tread carefully not to add yet another layer of shame for the families who seek guidance. It’s too simple to say just don’t do it. There are a mutltitude of reasons to seek advice. I can think of a few.
Lack of support available in traditional institutions like healthcare and education
Limited access to qualified professionals in the off-line world
Trying to meet impossible standards of what qualifies as “good parents”
Managing anxiety regarding the future
Keeping up with achievement/productivity culture
Navigating poorly communicated information/research on child development
Seeking knowledge for children with specific needs like neurodivergence or health concerns
Lack of parental role models or parental mentorship available
Different adult learning needs
Lack of time to access longer form media
Financial constraints in accessing other types of parenting resources
Breaking generational patterns
Attempting to find community
Families need tools to empower them if and when they seek advice. Since we still woke up in an information-saturated world today, below are some ideas. And yes, I am giving advice about advice (the irony is not lost on me).
The Tools
Do I even need advice?
We have become accustomed in our information age to hopping right on Google the second a question pops into our head. Consider setting criteria about what constitutes needing advice. Give yourself the space to come up with your own plan and then an if/when for when you want to check in further from other resources.
What do I need right now?
Sometimes the advice-seeking is not really about the best way to feed your toddler who doesn’t like vegetables or the best playroom setup to encourage independent play. Pause and ask yourself what do you need right now before typing in your query.
What is the need I am trying to meet here?
Guidance
Boredom
Loneliness
Managing anxiety
Avoiding something else
Entertainment
Curiosity
You may find that you still pursue your question but it could change your expectation as to what will be the result. Or there may be a different way to meet that need. Tuning in can help you be more intentional in whatever choice you make.
Set Up Your Boundaries Ahead of Time
Outside the moments of advice seeking (i.e., not during a stressful time) think about what feels most helpful when you are seeking guidance.
Do you prefer to read a book versus online content? Do you learn better by listening or watching?
How many sources feel useful?
What types of sources are reliable? What types of expertise are you looking for?
Where have you found helpful advice before? Make a list that includes family, friends, pediatricians, therapists, and teachers as well as other resources like websites, books, podcasts, or social media accounts that could be a go to list.
How will you know to stop? What criteria do you have to know you have found a satisfactory amount of information for your need?
Keep Some Distance
I am not a fan of absolute advice, but I would like everyone who seeks advice to keep this in their back pocket.
THIS ADVICE IS NOT ABOUT YOU. YOU DO NOT NEED TO FIT THE ADVICE, THE ADVICE NEEDS TO FIT YOU AND YOUR LIFE.
Okay, now that we got that out of the way. The most excellent advice-givers craft their messages with context and awareness that flexibility in application is key. It is an art to translate research or interventions to a large diverse population---like parents on social media. That is not a homogenous group. No advice on the internet, in a book, or on a podcast can account for all the nuance within your family. Remembering this can wedge a little distance between you and the advice.
Hello, perspective
Perspective can be an incredibly helpful tool to call upon when we are really in the weeds on a parenting topic. If you are struggling to find the right path for your family’s needs on a specific topic or finding conflicting solutions from different sources, you may be getting stuck trying to find the perfect solution. More often than not the perfect solution doesn’t exist. Try thinking about the bigger picture. Pause and ask yourself a few questions.
Has there ever been a parenting decision in the past that felt so important but later on proved to not be as important as imagined (like researching and buying so much stuff that you absolutely did not need before the baby was born)?
If you think forward a couple of weeks, months, or years—how important does this choice seem?
If you lived off the grid with no access to the internet, what would you be inclined to do on this parenting topic?
Does the advice align with your larger values and goals as a family?
Reflecting on the past generations is another form of perspective. Think about how much has changed in parenting advice over the years (and will continue to change). When our children have children, I am confident they will laugh or question the things we thought we were “right” about. This ParentData podcast episode with Emily Oster is a helpful reminder. In this episode she interviews author, Jennifer Traig who wrote Act Natural: A Cultural History of Misadventures in Parenting*.
Where every you land, if you have walked away from parenting advice, only seeking it when you need it or feel you are just standing in front of the firehose, let’s all practice compassion, towards ourselves and others. Let’s recognize we are all doing the best we can as we continue to yell, shout and demand for what we need. We are doing a really important thing that is hard. Please remember that. And we do it better together.
More words on the oodles
Here are some previous posts on navigating parenting advice.
WOW, you knocked it out of the park! Everything here rings true! I love that we all are trying so hard to be better parents but somewhere along the way, I think we forgot that it's okay to be human and make mistakes and feel out a situation. All this to say, it's better to meet advice somewhere in the middle... say, as a tactic to try vs a parenting commandment.
Bravo, can we have this rolled out at the beginning of every parenting advice reel on the gram?
Well said!!