I’m an only child , now with an only child , boy , who is Autistic . My husband and I were attending a Saturday social skill group for us and him, and I realized this was the ONLY space , where we were having casual yet focused conversations about parenting challenges. Now our schedules can’t accommodate this class. Our weekends have become very full with birthday parties, since my kiddo started TK. On several of these occasions I’ve had conversations with other boy mom’s where I have been so relieved to find out their kid does the same thing my kid does, or is into some of the weird stuff he is into. This is a new community and I hope to cultivate friendships for him and me, and as relieving as these conversations are , it’s also reminding me how deeply isolating this nuclear family, parenting experience is. Why are we doing it like this? My husband and I do our best, but with full time jobs, no family in the area, limited salaries, parenting is hard and it’s painful to the experience more stressful than enjoyable. Everyone says, build community, I think it will take time , but honestly I think the kind of community I really wish I had, can’t under these conditions.
I also struggle with the idea that the community building falls on the individual. There is a sneaky criticism in there, that if you don't have community, maybe you didn't try hard enough, when we know there are so many systemic and cultural barriers, especially when you are have a parenting experience that has different needs like neurodiversity, health concerns and so on. When I was working full time, our parenting community was really those we met through our jobs and childcare setting. And we had some lovely connections but I wouldn't say that other families' experiences mirrored ours as parents to neurodivergent kids. It's a real challenge and we found more similar experiences through online communities but those are limited in their own way. It is really tough.
I totally understand the “why are we doing it like this” sentiment. It takes a village but there are no more villages, and we have to work so hard to build our own— running on fumes! So hard.
Oh boy I am nodding my head along here. I’m an only child who was brought up to be “good” and am still struggling with those perfectionist tendencies. I’m 42 now and have a 9yo and 7yo twins. Nothing could have prepared me for the noise and chaos. I find it incredibly triggering. I get the same judgemental comments from my mum about me never behaving that way. I often find myself angry, wondering what is “wrong” with my kids, but as you say, the reframing is very helpful. It’s me! 😆
Sara, I am the youngest of 6 but we are really spread out in age, so despite that I, too, was not prepared for my four kids, all two years apart. So much noise and chaos.
I have 2 ND kids, 8 years apart. The 14yo is very vocal when it comes to her perception of the parenting differences “you treat her better than me! You love her more!” How do I parent each kid the way they need, while reassuring both that I love them the same amount?
That’s so tough Brianna! I think it’s important to validate our kiddos experiences and get curious with them. I like to ask my son more about what makes it feel better- I have also started talking about fairness existing even when things are different. Thanks so much for reading!
Brianna, it is so tough. In our family we say that everyone's neurodivesity pings off each other, as in they all have "different flavors" and therefore very different needs. I believe we just keep planting the seeds of learning about differing needs and that fairness doesn't mean that our relationships look the same. I believe this is a long game.
Despite trying to have a second child since 2020 we have only one daughter who is 5. She is like me in some ways but very much like my husband in other ways, so while I may know a lot about her quirks, it can be hard for me specifically because I have ADHD/anxiety but also perfectionist tendencies without the motivation necessary to be “neat and tidy” all the time. My husband is interesting because he has certain things he likes to be tidy and orderly, but he’s not super neat generally (like he is very rigid about the budget and where things go in the house, but neither of us is big on deep cleaning). Our daughter combines those traits and seems (we haven’t evaluated her officially) like she has ADHD/anxiety, sensory sensitivities, perfectionist tendencies, and a penchant for being rigid about her routine and where everything goes/rigid about following rules and being “good”/worrying about getting “in trouble.”
It’s hard dealing with her being so rigid when I also really love my routine but am thrown off my routine by being a parent. It’s hard navigating us always running late for church when my husband hates being late.
I don’t think she actually is “hard” to parent- she is smart, sensitive, kind, and has a wonderful imagination and ability to entertain herself by making up elaborate games. But she is specifically hard for me because of my lack of executive functioning which makes it hard for me to deal with her tendency to get distracted from her tasks in the morning routine.
Thanks so much for sharing Laura! Rigid tendencies can be both so comforting and so challenging. Whenever I spend time with my friends’ kids who are more structured and rule oriented I get envious but it’s also because mine are so vastly different!
This is so true! I had done so many things to adapt and try to help myself be more punctual, have a space for things I was always forgetting like my phone and my keys, pick out my clothes the night before, pack my bag in advance, put things in my bag for the next day if I need something special as soon as I get home so I don’t forget. Some of my adaptations still work pretty well, but I have been so much more forgetful as a mom.
Funnily enough I have leaned into it though with deciding to be an infant teacher- managing 8-9 babies in my classroom is absolutely a huge task for my mental load and a lot to manage with ADHD (my coteacher has ADHD too). Having the Procare app and our board where we write bottle, diaper, food times really helps (we also added a section this year where we write the typical bottle window so that even floaters will know how to do the math to figure out the next bottle time). I also have a post it with wake windows next to our clipboard so anyone can consult that and the app to see if it’s likely about time for a baby to nap.
I like managing the schedule and trying to figure out the best way to handle everything that needs to be done. We have two 2 month olds starting in the next week though and since everyone else is 7-13 months, I am interested to see if they will be able to nap when the other babies are awake and busy.
Thank you Vanessa for your contribution to A Wonderful Mess!
I’m an only child , now with an only child , boy , who is Autistic . My husband and I were attending a Saturday social skill group for us and him, and I realized this was the ONLY space , where we were having casual yet focused conversations about parenting challenges. Now our schedules can’t accommodate this class. Our weekends have become very full with birthday parties, since my kiddo started TK. On several of these occasions I’ve had conversations with other boy mom’s where I have been so relieved to find out their kid does the same thing my kid does, or is into some of the weird stuff he is into. This is a new community and I hope to cultivate friendships for him and me, and as relieving as these conversations are , it’s also reminding me how deeply isolating this nuclear family, parenting experience is. Why are we doing it like this? My husband and I do our best, but with full time jobs, no family in the area, limited salaries, parenting is hard and it’s painful to the experience more stressful than enjoyable. Everyone says, build community, I think it will take time , but honestly I think the kind of community I really wish I had, can’t under these conditions.
Well said and it is so tough.
I also struggle with the idea that the community building falls on the individual. There is a sneaky criticism in there, that if you don't have community, maybe you didn't try hard enough, when we know there are so many systemic and cultural barriers, especially when you are have a parenting experience that has different needs like neurodiversity, health concerns and so on. When I was working full time, our parenting community was really those we met through our jobs and childcare setting. And we had some lovely connections but I wouldn't say that other families' experiences mirrored ours as parents to neurodivergent kids. It's a real challenge and we found more similar experiences through online communities but those are limited in their own way. It is really tough.
I totally understand the “why are we doing it like this” sentiment. It takes a village but there are no more villages, and we have to work so hard to build our own— running on fumes! So hard.
Oh boy I am nodding my head along here. I’m an only child who was brought up to be “good” and am still struggling with those perfectionist tendencies. I’m 42 now and have a 9yo and 7yo twins. Nothing could have prepared me for the noise and chaos. I find it incredibly triggering. I get the same judgemental comments from my mum about me never behaving that way. I often find myself angry, wondering what is “wrong” with my kids, but as you say, the reframing is very helpful. It’s me! 😆
Sara, I am the youngest of 6 but we are really spread out in age, so despite that I, too, was not prepared for my four kids, all two years apart. So much noise and chaos.
TOO MUCH 🤣 ok this makes
Me feel better 🙏
I have 2 ND kids, 8 years apart. The 14yo is very vocal when it comes to her perception of the parenting differences “you treat her better than me! You love her more!” How do I parent each kid the way they need, while reassuring both that I love them the same amount?
That’s so tough Brianna! I think it’s important to validate our kiddos experiences and get curious with them. I like to ask my son more about what makes it feel better- I have also started talking about fairness existing even when things are different. Thanks so much for reading!
Brianna, it is so tough. In our family we say that everyone's neurodivesity pings off each other, as in they all have "different flavors" and therefore very different needs. I believe we just keep planting the seeds of learning about differing needs and that fairness doesn't mean that our relationships look the same. I believe this is a long game.
Despite trying to have a second child since 2020 we have only one daughter who is 5. She is like me in some ways but very much like my husband in other ways, so while I may know a lot about her quirks, it can be hard for me specifically because I have ADHD/anxiety but also perfectionist tendencies without the motivation necessary to be “neat and tidy” all the time. My husband is interesting because he has certain things he likes to be tidy and orderly, but he’s not super neat generally (like he is very rigid about the budget and where things go in the house, but neither of us is big on deep cleaning). Our daughter combines those traits and seems (we haven’t evaluated her officially) like she has ADHD/anxiety, sensory sensitivities, perfectionist tendencies, and a penchant for being rigid about her routine and where everything goes/rigid about following rules and being “good”/worrying about getting “in trouble.”
It’s hard dealing with her being so rigid when I also really love my routine but am thrown off my routine by being a parent. It’s hard navigating us always running late for church when my husband hates being late.
I don’t think she actually is “hard” to parent- she is smart, sensitive, kind, and has a wonderful imagination and ability to entertain herself by making up elaborate games. But she is specifically hard for me because of my lack of executive functioning which makes it hard for me to deal with her tendency to get distracted from her tasks in the morning routine.
Thanks so much for sharing Laura! Rigid tendencies can be both so comforting and so challenging. Whenever I spend time with my friends’ kids who are more structured and rule oriented I get envious but it’s also because mine are so vastly different!
Me, too, Vanessa!
Motherhood blew up my ADHD. I had made so many adaptations over the years that just fell apart when managing kids.
This is so true! I had done so many things to adapt and try to help myself be more punctual, have a space for things I was always forgetting like my phone and my keys, pick out my clothes the night before, pack my bag in advance, put things in my bag for the next day if I need something special as soon as I get home so I don’t forget. Some of my adaptations still work pretty well, but I have been so much more forgetful as a mom.
Funnily enough I have leaned into it though with deciding to be an infant teacher- managing 8-9 babies in my classroom is absolutely a huge task for my mental load and a lot to manage with ADHD (my coteacher has ADHD too). Having the Procare app and our board where we write bottle, diaper, food times really helps (we also added a section this year where we write the typical bottle window so that even floaters will know how to do the math to figure out the next bottle time). I also have a post it with wake windows next to our clipboard so anyone can consult that and the app to see if it’s likely about time for a baby to nap.
I like managing the schedule and trying to figure out the best way to handle everything that needs to be done. We have two 2 month olds starting in the next week though and since everyone else is 7-13 months, I am interested to see if they will be able to nap when the other babies are awake and busy.