Tired Parents Still Can't Meditate on a Mountaintop
How to move forward in 2025 with mindfulness
Today’s essay is read by me above or available in the A Wonderful Mess podcast feed.
About a year ago, I posted the below essay on mindfulness in parenthood. I had been working on another essay that wasn’t working. I pivoted and put together my thoughts on what mindfulness can look like in a practical sense in real-life parenthood. The hope was this would counterbalance some of the very polished advice and anecdotes in the land of parenting advice. My life has never looked like one of the vignettes you might read in a book or a tidy platitude on an Instagram tile. I figured others may feel the same way. And apparently, they did.
It didn’t go viral, but the response was dramatic for me as someone not very online. It was overwhelming. The traffic to the piece seemed to increase exponentially over the week, and it led to a big increase in new subscribers. Some of you readers may have found your way here through that very essay. To date, it is still the most popular essay since I started here on Substack in October 2023.
The essay’s intention was to invite those who feel that mindfulness is inaccessible due to parenthood to entertain the possibility that it is available and that they may even already be there. This requires accepting imperfection, recalibrating expectations, and a whole lot of kindness towards yourself.
There is a lot happening on this earth today… and most days. And although this essay was aimed at parenthood and mindfulness, I think there are words here for us all whereever we find ourselves today, tomorrow and beyond. How do we manage? How do we connect? How do we rest? How do we move forward? I don’t have the answers for all these questions but I know a tool to support you as you sit with these questions. As I say below mindfulness does not “solve” the problems of the world as some may lead you to believe but it does certainly give you a place to start.
“Bringing mindfulness to my parenting was both the earplugs and the glue. A way to quiet some of the outside noise and a way to bring the pieces together that I needed.”
Mindfulness offers practices that allow us to be in the moment. And when you are in the moment, there is a pathway to choices. And as parents, we need choices (even when there aren’t great ones).
The picture below may be what you think when you hear mindfulness but this is not what mindfulness in parenting has looked like for me.
It’s more like this— finding a deep breath when I hear “MOM!” from the other room and find this:
Or here where I am reclaiming my phone from my budding photographer and not losing it:
There is no doubt that mindfulness is popular these days. There are numerous apps, blogs, podcasts, books, and all avenues of social media content delivering mindfulness practices to the masses. Mindfulness can help with stress, mood, mental health, sleep, and physical health. But what is it and what can it look like as a part of your parenthood?
Mindfulness is being aware of your moment-to-moment experience with non-judgment. With mindfulness you approach your experiences with clarity and balance, allowing for everything to be there, including thoughts, emotions, and sensations without resisting, avoiding, or being swept up in them.
It’s helpful to note that mindfulness is not:
being calm or happy all the time
having no thoughts in your head
only achieved through lengthy daily meditation
being present all the time
able to remove the real obstacles/adversity people experience in their life
able to replace real systemic gaps
a cure-all
We could take a dive further into some research like here. Or I could direct you to wise teachers like Sharon Salzberg, who you can listen to here on the Psychologists Off the Clock podcast but it’s more helpful to provide a glimpse into what bringing mindfulness into parenthood can look like on the ground.
Presence, awareness, curiosity, and non-judgment with your kids
Listening to your child and discovering why they like their sandwiches cut that way even though it still tastes the same your way
Finding the breath your body needs before the yell comes out
Finding the breath your body needs before you repair after the yell comes out
Sitting in the car one moment longer so you can fully say hello to your kids when you enter your home
Stopping your task to listen to their giggles
Greeting your frustration as you are asked for the 10th time to use your phone
Showing up curious to understand why that math worksheet is “the dumbest in the world”
Stopping to see the rock with your toddler
Toddlers are mindfulness masters Slowing down to give a hug
Showing up with intention to really understand the latest gaming obsession
Catching the autopilot lecture about taking responsibility before it comes out of your mouth and making a choice as to what to say next
Pausing before you post on your social media feed to think about how your child might feel about you sharing a particular photo
Bringing mindfulness into your parenting goes beyond the interactions with your child(ren). It also extends to your interactions, relationships and experiences in the community.
Presence, awareness, curiosity, and non-judgment in your community
Pausing and caring for your thoughts and feelings before you send a furious message to the school after an incident
Awareness of feelings of comparison when you are talking with other parents about their kids’ accomplishments
Hearing deeply how a fellow parent is struggling and needing connection
Recognizing that you are overwhelmed and asking for help
Entering that over-stimulating trampoline park with many deep breaths
If you know you know…sensory overload Observing the chatter in your head at the birthday party where your kid is glued to your leg and not getting stuck in it
Being curious and observing your child and his friends navigating a conflict and deciding with intention whether you need to step in
And possibly most importantly mindfulness has an impact on you and your wellbeing.
Presence, awareness, curiosity, and non-judgment of yourself
Awareness when you are viewing something on social media that is triggering guilt or shame about your parenting
Noticing those thoughts that you are doing a bad job as a parent
Recognizing that you need space, even if it is a bathroom
Getting curious as to why your kid asking for a new video game is firing you up
Tuning into your body and realizing you haven’t eaten yet today
Pausing to bring attention to the process of making your cup of coffee
Meditating, even if it is only 5 minutes…or 3…or 1
Taking a breath before you get up to do the next task
Feeling your feet on the ground in the kitchen while you make dinner
The glue and the earplugs
I have a doctorate in psychology and I have the 2nd informal doctorate I pursued in parenting after becoming a parent. I tried to learn about all the things and there are so many things. And all this “knowledge” seemed to have contradictions and mysterious gaps. It all got pretty noisy. Bringing mindfulness to my parenting was both the earplugs and the glue. A way to quiet some of the outside noise and a way to bring the pieces together that I needed. It supports me in tuning into my children, myself, and our family as a whole. With mindfulness, I have the skills to be intentional, integrate useful knowledge, and make choices for my unique family and our needs.
Little moments, little choices that maybe make the day a little more—a little more vivid, a little more kind, and a little more connected along with all the mess of real life.
What a LOVELY update to the original essay. I loved the bulleted list. It got my wheels spinning and realizing I can do this! 💪
Love this: It’s helpful to note that mindfulness is not:
being calm or happy all the time
having no thoughts in your head
only achieved through lengthy daily meditation
being present all the time
able to remove the real obstacles/adversity people experience in their life
able to replace real systemic gaps
a cure-all