What Makes a Summer Good Enough?
No, really do you know?
We have arrived at the end of July. For some school is just around the corner, for others you still have several weeks to go. Has your summer been good enough?
Note: The audio looks a little different this week. It's just a little tech issue but it’s still here for you to listen and is linked on the podcast feed.
We put a lot of pressure on the summer. You can pick your flavor of pressure. For some, it’s about creating epic memories or unforgettable adventures. For others, it may be being excellent at rest or tackling the summer “best beach reads” list. And then some want to harness the time with plans to start a new project or make progress on a desired goal. It doesn’t look like productivity in a traditional sense, but we often still want to produce something we deem worthy of the season. We want to walk away at the end of summer feeling we did it well, in whatever shape or form that is meaningful to you. The means and the metrics are pretty slippery though. How do you accomplish what you want in the context of other challenges:
Navigating summer childcare
Extreme weather
Finances
Parents’ work schedules
Meeting the differing needs of family members
The fact that we are still the people we are all year long
And our family is the same, too
The means
What are the steps for making a summer something great? There are ample bucket lists, guidance, and suggestions for your summer—some are helpful, and some less so. Most bucket lists seem rather innocuous like taking a walk, making lemonade, eating ice cream, and backyard camping. They are intended as aspirational to-do lists. But the phrase “bucket list” is usually associated with a list of things to do before dying (“kicking the bucket”). Is the return to school the equivalent of dying???
wrote a piece, We Don’t Need to “Make The Most of Summer” where she poses a relevant question:“Rather than obsessing over what we can do to make our summer the most epic (or productive) one imaginable, maybe we should ask ourselves whether we can build lives that make us feel satisfied all year around. Not “optimized” lives, but lives in which there is balance. Can we — and our kids — lead lives in which joy pops up regularly, rather than only during short planned intervals? Lives that we are thrilled to lead, rather than thrilled to escape? Can we find a way to make our “time on” less of a dramatic contrast to our ”time off”? And if so, how?”
And before I sound judgmental of anyone’s summer bucket list, in full disclosure I am a listmaker and have indeed made “summer bucket lists” in the past. In general, these were made to provide ideas when everyone is complaining about being bored. But every year at the end of summer. one of the kids looks at the list and reports that we didn’t do the XYZ thing. A deep sigh follows while momentarily forgetting the many other things we did do. We didn’t make one this year—saving some deep sighs for other disappointments.
The metrics
And the metrics? How do you deem success? We can’t jump into our child’s brain and assess if we formed a “core memory”. I recently read
’s wonderful book, Sandwich*. Many people have written about how beautifully Newman captures the messy feelings of motherhood. The book follows a family with young adult children on their one-week vacation. The story flutters back and forth between the mother’s present and past. Her past reflections communicate so gracefully the cliche “you will miss these years” while still holding space for how hard, overwhelming, and complicated the years are. They are not memories that are perfect but they are precious because they are imperfect and real. This is a metric that appeals to me—I have a lot of imperfect.It’s been a little feral here
There are number of labels one could pick to describe their summer—screen free, free range, 90’s parent and so on. On some days I own “Feral” as described in Feral Mom Summer is The Only Way You’re Going to Make It, written by Samantha Darby:
“I have been the parent who prints out the summer bucket lists and the one who tries to create some kind of “summer routine,” but no matter what I did, I still felt a low-grade panic that I was wasting this precious time with my kids. I felt like I wasn’t doing enough and they might not be having as much fun as I did in my own childhood summers. I never went to bed satisfied with the day. Until I embraced the Feral Mom Summer.”
I, too, have been guilty of attempts at “designing” a summer routine usually only to abandon it at some point. The kids were not having it and it was too much work I assigned myself in hopes of an imaginary “good parent badge”. We are more flexible now and an observer may say feral on occasion. Sometimes flexible feels chaotic and wild. Other times it feels cozy and needed. And then there are times my inner dragon emerges and it feels urgent to clean up the 987 items spread across the floor and do an immediately enriching activity. The point being, it’s not always pretty and it’s not carefree. Is any parent in the world carefree?
The summer isn’t over yet but I do wonder does it feel “good enough”?
And more summer-ish thoughts….
Here is a feature on
from : Catherine Newman Shares 12 Cool Things for a Messy, Funny, Joyous LifeThis is from the beginning of this summer but about last summer (it’s about time travel…but not really).
Loved this one, Kathryn! I’m embracing Exhausted Mom Summer or Horizontal Parenting Summer or “What the Eff Is Going On” Parenting 😂
I needed this right now! Summer is flying by (as usual) and I always put this pressure on myself to make DO ALL THE THINGS and make sure the child has the best summer ever even though I'm still working full-time and like you said, we could be enjoying all the things all year long! I felt extra pressure this year because the kid is off to middle-school in the Fall but maybe I should do less, make it extra boring, and he'll actually look forward to school starting!