It’s summer break in my world. Today we are naviagting the mess that summer can be and lessons learned from the past. Choose your own adventure, you can read or listen. All links to book recommendations are below. And don’t forget to leave a comment about your hopes for summer.
Keep an eye out: As parents we are always carrying around a heavy mental load and each season brings a different flavor. It’s helpful to name it, so that is what I will do. This summer on Thursdays, I will be sharing “The Mental Load: Summer Edition” in my instagram stories(@drkathrynbarbash) and on the Substack Notes network. They are brief snapshots of the mental load. Laugh (or cry) but let’s name it all the same. Hope you will join me.
For some, summer break is welcomed, a reprieve from lunches, running around, and battles over homework. For others it is hard, more time together and more to manage at home. For many, it can be both. More and less. Wherever you find yourself, that’s okay.
At the end of last summer, I wrote a piece about what I learned during the summer1. It’s been refreshed with editing, present day commentary, and accompanying book recommendations. It’s all very time travel-y.
Let’s set the scene… I am typing back in 2023, the crispness of fall is teasing us and the smell of pencils and pumpkin spice fill the air…
2023: Back to School
Now that we are back in school, I am thinking about summer.
Reflecting that is. It was quite a mix of those carefree, happy summertime joys and challenges, stress and tears.
This summer we lowered demands. Two of our kids received their formal neurodivergent (ND) identifications in the spring/summer. We had already been operating under that knowledge but it became “official”. With all the new information and a long school year, we decided on only a couple of weeks of camp for the older kids and one family trip. This meant a lot of downtime and time together. Here are the main takeaways from a summer survivor.
2023: Slow down and sit with it
When we were going through the evaluation process, it started to feel like we needed to do something, a lot of somethings, to support our kid’s needs as neurodivergent individuals. Instead of jumping into “doing” mode, we sat with it. We got some books for the kids. We talked about what these identifications mean. That they are both wonderful and hard at the same time. There is still a lot more for the kids to explore about their wiring, but it was a gentle way to enter into this new understanding of themselves. It was helpful to let it all settle.
2024 commentary: When learning new things about your child or yourself, it’s helpful to pause first. Sometimes there is an overwhelming feeling of urgency to put supports in place. And there may be pressing needs to address, but it can be hard to prioritize what is most critical if you try to do it all. Take time to process the information and determine where the focus needs to be. As a wise child relayed to me, nothing had changed because they were still the same person, they were the day before.
Book Recommendation: Differently Wired: A Parent’s Guide to Raising an Atypical Child with Confidence and Hope* by Deborah Reber. This book was published in 2018 and author Deborah Reber has said that the conversations on neurodiversity have evolved since the book was published and she would change some things if she were writing it today. Even so, the core message about shifting perspective when your parenthood takes unexpected turns still holds up.
2023: We experimented and survived
We decided to experiment with flexible screen time this summer. An important takeaway is that we all survived, our kids did not become zombies and nothing horrible happened. We learned interesting things about when screens were helpful and when they conflicted with the needs of our family. We faced the boogeyman (screen time) and now we have abundant information. This leads to a lot more choices in the future.
2024 commentary: Talk about the discourse du jour. The screens/tech discussion is at high tide right now. And I won’t add to it (for now). We are all making choices the best we can with the information we have in the context of our unique families. This can be said for most “hot topics” in parenthood. We are learning together with our kids how to swim these seas. When the voices around a topic are noisy, it’s hard to hear your voice, hence my book recommendation below.
Book Recommendation: ACT Daily Journal: Get Unstuck & Live Fully with Acceptance & Commitment Therapy* by Diana Hill, PhD and
PhD. No, this book isn’t about screen time or parenting strategies. It is about getting clear on your values, managing emotions, and practicing psychological flexibility. And those are all useful tools in making intentional choices on complicated matters. Whatever choices you make, its important to hear your voice in the process.
2023: Less Structure Was a lot of Time Together…Maybe too Much
We made the intentional choice to have less camp this year, so this meant a lot of unstructured time together. We learned it was a little too much time. For the sake of sibling relationships, a little more structured time in separate activities might have been helpful.
2024 commentary: Did we learn our lesson? There was the best of intentions, but the juggling of camp schedules and multiple needs is real. We are all going to be together a lot again. Send your thoughts and prayers.
Book Recommendation: Siblings without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live, Too* by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. This one is a classic. I have read many things about sibling dynamics but this is the one that always sticks in my brain.
2023: There is Contraction and Expansion
For kids, and especially ND kids, transitions are hard. It was clear on the weeks the kids had camp or we were traveling, it was stressful. Even with things they enjoy, frustration tolerances were low and feelings were big. Observing the contraction and expansion of their little systems was an exercise in patience. It can be difficult to experience the contraction but helpful to keep in mind they expand again.
My ability is growing (or expanding) to be in uncomfortable places with my children. I had a high school running coach who used to say when we were running hills, “What goes up, must go down”. It’s a phrase that works for parenting, too.
2024 commentary: Yeah, transitions are hard. We know this, but it still feels like a kick in the shins sometimes. Deep breath, deep breath.
Book Recommendation: Real Life: The Journey from Isolation to Openness and Freedom* by Sharon Salzberg. There are lovely tools in this book based on mindfulness to find ways to open up even within the context of difficult feelings and experiences.
2023: My final report on the summer
There was a lot to learn this summer. It wasn't restful or recharging for the school year; 4 kids were home almost every day! But some wisdom will support us as we move through the back-to-school transition. We just keep on learning (whether we like it or not).
Enter summer 2024
Okay, here we are. It’s time for summer. Who knows what this summer will bring but I am confident there will be more to learn. And that is guranteed.
What are you hoping for this summer?
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Summer can be an especially “muddy” time of the year for parents, let’s do it together. Forward to a friend.
As always—Just a little reminder: The content on Mindful Mom in the Mud posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD on the Instagram account (@drkathrynbarbash), Youtube Channel (@mindfulinthemud) and newsletter (mindfulinthemud.substack.com) or any other medium or social media platform is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal and professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Reliance on any information provided by Mindful Mom in the Mud is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.
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Written on a blog that no longer exists.
The Kids Are Out of School