Ready or Not!
Do parents get to be ready?
I have something to share.
In the fall, I will be the parent to a middle-schooler.
I don’t know how this happened. I want to go back to notating the contents of diapers and trying to interpret different cries and facial expression. Or when my child was thoroughly entertained by undoing my baby-proofing efforts, crawling on a dirty floor, or even some light cleaning. I wasn’t navigating the digital life of teens and trying to prepare them for all that’s out there.
I don’t really want to return to those times. I was so very tired. However, in hindsight, the tasks of baby and toddler care feel so practical and straightforward. (This is where I pause to say to those who are reading this and are still in the phase of having babies and toddlers, this viewpoint comes later, like way later, when you are no longer there. When you are in it, it’s 1,000% overwhelming!) But now I have a tween. Deep sigh. Am I ready for this?
Parental Readiness is not something we talk about
No one ever asks about parental readiness.We read articles online to decipher our kids’ readiness for potty training, kindergarten, sleep-away camp, or a cellphone. But little attention gets paid to the parent factor. A major part of that is that many of these transitions are inevitable, and we don’t have as much control as we want over when and how they roll out. And it probably wouldn’t serve our kids if we only waited until we adults caught up in readiness. But still, a little attention might be nice? It may be helpful for parents to know that after you do your weekend of no pants potty training, you are still on the hook for monitoring your kiddos’ bathroom visits for an indefinite amount of time. It’s going to be much longer than you expect folks. Or perhaps your teen is demonstrating readiness to manage a cellphone, but are you ready to establish and enforce boundaries around tech use? Knowing what comes along for you in these transitions doesn’t need to deter you. Your child being able to navigate the restroom all on their own is important. But, perhaps a heads up is needed. Transitions are going to stir up your own stuff and you might need some community with a side of self-compassion for what’s next.
Back to middle school
My oldest is going to middle school, and I don’t really get a say in that. And as much as I am making noise about it, he is ready to go. And this isn’t really about me, but it is. I HATED middle school. 8th grade was okay because by then I had found my footing with a group of solid friends, but a lot of middle school sucked. And I am working really hard to not bring my middle school muck into the picture for my kid. Transitions bring up OUR stuff, and that’s part of that parental readiness picture; it’s helpful to ask, do I have stuff here and if so what is it?
Potty training may trigger thoughts and feelings about your child needing you less, kindergarten can stir lots about your own learning experiences, sleep away camp can bring up all kinds of memories akin to my middle school experiences (in middle school, we had to go to sleep-away camp with our school. You can guess how that went). And cell phones are a minefield right now for families. Locate your stuff and poke at it a bit. Sometimes our stuff can give a little direction, like giving you information about how you want to approach this transition with your child. Sometimes our stuff is creating a lot of worry and stories that are more about us than our kids (hi, I have my hand raised)
I’ll add here that I really like tweens and teens. When I was providing therapy, I worked with many tweens and teens across school and medical settings. In other words, I am not scared of middle schoolers, I like them. If I put on my professional hat, I am a lot cooler and more collected. I am sharing this to say, that even when you have some knowledge and experience, your personal stuff can still crowd out reason.
A little information can go a long way, or questions, those are good, too
Poking around to see what’s showing up for you is helpful. Next, start is to collect your questions. Questions often beget more questions, but that can give you a place to start on what type of resources you might be interested in.
Talking to those on the other side of the transition can be a treasure trove of insight. Everyone’s experiences will be unique, but it can still give you a version grounded in reality, not your very creative 2 AM brain’s version. And then there are the websites, books, podcasts, and yes, social media. Which when approached with some boundaries can be useful. Just don’t sit in front of the firehose of parenting advice. That’s create a whole new level of “stuff” to carry into the situation. I personally like the book route (are you surprised by this?). Books are easier to put down and walk away from if needed. And it’s important to note that fiction is an excellent resource, too, for transitions. Don’t go at it alone: meet up with other parents going through it or set up a book club to read some books relevant to your transition (and make sure to include fiction, too).
Don’t go at it alone:
Create a regular meet up with other parents going through similar transitions to you. Nothing complicated, try a regular coffee, walk, or dinner.
Set up a book club to read some books relevant to your transition, fiction included.
Seek out those who have done it. Their experience won’t be yours per se, but they can help you get a lay of the land.
And maybe a dose of self-compassion
Some of these transitions are happening no matter what we want. Sometimes they happen unexpectedly or without warning. We don’t get the luxury of reflecting on our own experiences, asking our friends for their advice, or picking up a book. This rattles our fragile perception of control in parenthood. And this is where we can flex some self-compassion. Be nice to you. Change is hard.
So, middle school here we come, ready or not.
Some related reading from previous A Wonderful Mess essays:
Dear readers, may you give yourself some self-compassion for whatever changes are coming your way,
Back to looking at baby picture of my soon-to-be middle-schooler,
Kathryn
LOVE this bookstack! Also, my oldest turned 16 on Monday, so this essay landed at the perfect time for me. Thank you Kathryn!
My oldest is going to middle school next Fall as well 😭 I think it will be good for him, but man am I struggling with how fast they grow up 😮💨It brings up a lot!