Wandering Through the Noise
Talking about that self-compassion stuff...again
Last week, I went to my hometown of San Diego to spend time with family and friends, sort through many dusty boxes of my childhood, and pack them up to send home. The process of sorting was full of memories and all kinds of feelings. Like the big feelings of angsty adolescent writing (I am so glad I am no longer in that phase of life). A day after returning home to my husband and kids, I was a panelist for the Mental Health & Motherhood Virtual Conference, all about self-compassion.
Yep, that thing again—self-compassion. If you have been around for a while, you may know I bring this up frequently. If you need more context, here is a great place to start (or revisit).
The panel was with
, who writes and , who writes . Our topic of discussion was “noise within motherhood.” With the traveling and re-adjusting to my Eastern time zone, I decided to move some things around on the content calendar and share a bit about what we discussed. Let’s take a little wander through the noise…What is the “noise”?
There is a lot of noise when you are a parent. The panel's focus, however, was not discussing the music of Daniel Tiger, demands for milk refills, or cries of sibling martial law. The “noise” we discussed was more in line with what has been in the news lately following the surgeon general’s advisory on parental mental health and well-being.
On a gut level, you know what the “noise” is for you, even if you can’t clearly articulate it all. Your noise and my noise may not be the same thing. We all have our stresses, constraints, and own stories, but there are common elements.
It’s a mix of:
Expectations or beliefs that we have about what we or others should achieve or do
Influences or how much something/someone affects what we think or do
Beliefs or an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists
Assumptions are beliefs that a thing is accepted as true or as certain to happen without proof
These elements show up both internally and externally.
The internal noise can look a little like this:
The stories we bring from our histories—like things we want to replicate from our childhood or things we want to do differently
Expectations we have for ourselves around achievement or perfectionism
Beliefs or assumptions about parenthood and what a good parent is
The external noise can be:
Expectations that are both explicit or implicit from those around you—it could be individuals like family, healthcare providers, or the broader community
Influences of culture and the world at large
It’s also helpful to note where or how we encounter these external sources. They can come through relationships like a pediatrician or the intake of culture through books, TV shows, and, of course, the noisy place of social media.
And even though I’ve just laid it all out, all nice and separate, let’s acknowledge that it’s anything but, and that’s the challenge with noise. It’s not that it’s all bad, but there can just be so much of it. The more noise we experience, the more disoriented we can get. That is when we may find ourselves overwhelmed or stressed, unsure how to proceed, judging ourselves or others, making choices that don’t align with our values or needs, and feeling exhausted. And oh yeah, did I mention that’s on top of all the other stresses of being a human raising humans within this world?
The truth is that the noise is not going to go away. But you can find some earplugs to take the volume down. Some of the things we touched on to turn down the noise during our panel were:
Caring for ourselves so we have resources—we are talking about the basics like eating, sleeping, movement, and connection. The more resources we have, the better we can navigate the noise
Using values to stay oriented to what is important for us and our family
AND self-compassion…that thing again. Self-compassion isn’t about feeling good or a quick fix. It’s about caring for ourselves because we are worth it. Self-compassion can support us when:
we feel pain because we aren’t living up to our expectations
we make the mistakes we will inevitably make
we can not do it all because no one can do it all
there is no easy path forward
we are frustrated by the constraints life has dealt us
It doesn’t mean it all gets magically easier, but, my goodness, it is so much better to do this all with a little kindness. So try self-kindness instead of self-judgment, connect to all the other parents navigating the noise through common humanity, and stay present with mindful awareness.
Speaking of ear plugs—we sang the praises of Loop ear plugs during the conference for the actual noise of children. This is not sponsored content, just a helpful plug (oh yes, I did that). I once wrote a little love letter to this tiny boundary—perhaps I will share that someday.
And finally, I must express my gratitude (and awe) to
, who made the Mental Health and Motherhood Virtual Conference happen. Well before the surgeon general emphasized the importance of parents connecting and sharing their struggles and stress, Chanel had a vision and passion to support mothers, and she did it. Let’s keep talking, writing, sharing, and connecting. Amazing things can happen.Some great things are coming up…
Next week, we have compassionate guidance from
and , about sharing information about neurodivergent kids with loved ones (and words of wisdom for those loved ones on how to be supportive).And the following week, an interview with the hilarious
, if you want to be kind to yourself, check out her substack, . And if you needed another reason to subscribe (which you really don’t), Shelly is celebrating National Parent’s Week, October 21-25, with a guest essay each day from some very funny and talented writers.
Wow, Kathryn. So much going on personally and you still show up for all of us both here and at a conference. Kudos, friend! (Mandatory disclaimer: please rest when you need to!)
Oh my god.. I have the Loop ear plugs too.. they are AMAZING! You can still hear everything, but it gets rid of the harsh tones and dampens the sudden high pitched screeches of other people's little shits.. sorry, children! 🤣 I carry these fabulous Loops everywhere with me just in case! 👍